Page 3 | DH behaviour completely changed since DS born

Pinkplatter · 07/08/2024 23:01

I think I’m going against the grain here but if your husband is working seven days a week how can he be expected to bond with his baby? If you’re receiving 30 weeks’ full pay why does he need to work so much? Surely he can scale it back a bit, at least for long enough for him to spend time with his newborn

HappyHedgehog247 · 07/08/2024 23:04

He needs proper time with the baby to understand more of your position and if it's at all possible he needs to not work 7 days a week at the moment. Both of your lives need to change.

Onehotday · 07/08/2024 23:05

He needs to quit the weekend work. However much he's earning, it's not worth it. You both need a break.

MsCactus · 07/08/2024 23:15

Yellowpenguins · 07/08/2024 13:20

I feel like my DH has totally changed since I had my baby 10 weeks ago and I don’t know what to do.

I married him because (among other things) he is kind, a nice person and we get on well etc. He works full time and also does private jobs at the weekends (we need the money from this) so I get he’s busy. But that means I literally have the baby 24/7 with no breaks.

He does sometimes help with baby eg he will hold him for 10 mins if I need to hang out washing. We don’t have family near us so it is a lot looking after DS.

I feel like I’m losing my mind trying to work out if I’m unreasonable or expecting too much. Some examples of his behaviour:

Making himself a lunch/cup of tea and not asking if I want any. DS has bad reflux and if he’s crying and I’m getting upset DH will take him but it’s done in the tone of, you clearly can’t manage. He told me I’m a state when I got stressed at DS crying. He said he doesn’t care about feelings when he’s busy trying to get work done. Never gets up in the night or responds to DS crying.

He said he doesn’t understand why I’m getting stressed out as it’s easy to look after DS because I just need to sit with him.

Is this right? I’m so upset and conflicted because I didn’t marry a man who I thought would be like this. Is this usual behaviour for men who have had babies recently? Am I just being over emotional?

You should be splitting the nights.

Me and DH split maternity/paternity leave the first year and always split the nights - regardless of who was working or at home.

The worst thing that happens if you're sleep deprived at work is you get fired. The worst thing that happens if you're sleep deprived with a baby is the baby dies.

Honestly he needs to start doing half of the nights at a minimum while you're on mat leave. It's very important imo to be well rested while you're taking care of a baby.

wellington77 · 07/08/2024 23:53

Yellowpenguins · 07/08/2024 13:20

I feel like my DH has totally changed since I had my baby 10 weeks ago and I don’t know what to do.

I married him because (among other things) he is kind, a nice person and we get on well etc. He works full time and also does private jobs at the weekends (we need the money from this) so I get he’s busy. But that means I literally have the baby 24/7 with no breaks.

He does sometimes help with baby eg he will hold him for 10 mins if I need to hang out washing. We don’t have family near us so it is a lot looking after DS.

I feel like I’m losing my mind trying to work out if I’m unreasonable or expecting too much. Some examples of his behaviour:

Making himself a lunch/cup of tea and not asking if I want any. DS has bad reflux and if he’s crying and I’m getting upset DH will take him but it’s done in the tone of, you clearly can’t manage. He told me I’m a state when I got stressed at DS crying. He said he doesn’t care about feelings when he’s busy trying to get work done. Never gets up in the night or responds to DS crying.

He said he doesn’t understand why I’m getting stressed out as it’s easy to look after DS because I just need to sit with him.

Is this right? I’m so upset and conflicted because I didn’t marry a man who I thought would be like this. Is this usual behaviour for men who have had babies recently? Am I just being over emotional?

My husband and I do everything 50/50. That’s feeding at night, nappies, holding etc. my husband is back at work now but that doesn’t mean when he’s not working he doesn’t go back to 50/50. Why do we do this? Many reasons: both our child so both our responsibility. 2: so we both bond well with our child as we both experienced dads who were hands off and subsequently now nit close to them and lastly to give both of us a break when needed. Aka I can go for an hours nap if tired then we swap and he can go for an hours lie down. It’s made life so much easier and we are closer than ever. If I was doing most of it alone I would feel pretty bitter!

Onehotday · 08/08/2024 08:29

MsCactus · 07/08/2024 23:15

You should be splitting the nights.

Me and DH split maternity/paternity leave the first year and always split the nights - regardless of who was working or at home.

The worst thing that happens if you're sleep deprived at work is you get fired. The worst thing that happens if you're sleep deprived with a baby is the baby dies.

Honestly he needs to start doing half of the nights at a minimum while you're on mat leave. It's very important imo to be well rested while you're taking care of a baby.

Show quote history

Absolutely insane. He can't just do half the nights when he's working 7 days a week. And if he's working that much then he can't afford to lose his job.

You talk about losing your job like it's a minor inconvenience.

I'm pretty sure OPs baby isn't at risk of death just because she's the one doing all the work, that's just stupid. Pretty sure if that was the case there would be babies of single parents dying all over.

Onehotday · 08/08/2024 08:31

And by the way my husband has never done a single night feed, nappy change or anything and my children (and me) are alive and well.

Mickey79 · 08/08/2024 08:37

Onehotday · 08/08/2024 08:29

Absolutely insane. He can't just do half the nights when he's working 7 days a week. And if he's working that much then he can't afford to lose his job.

You talk about losing your job like it's a minor inconvenience.

I'm pretty sure OPs baby isn't at risk of death just because she's the one doing all the work, that's just stupid. Pretty sure if that was the case there would be babies of single parents dying all over.

Show quote history

I agree. Plus getting fired is absolutely not the worst thing that could happen in many jobs.

MsCactus · 08/08/2024 16:38

Onehotday · 08/08/2024 08:31

And by the way my husband has never done a single night feed, nappy change or anything and my children (and me) are alive and well.

Sleep deprivation in the main parent significantly increases the risk of cot death. There's lots of studies into this - it's well established that there's a link.

Imo I'd rather prioritise sleep for the one looking after the baby - because I'd rather risk being sleep deprived at work than the main carer being sleep deprived with a baby and all the risks to the baby that carries

It doesn't mean all babies will be at risk - it just increases it, and personally I'd rather not increase that risk

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2024 22:30

Yellowpenguins · 07/08/2024 13:27

I haven’t left my job as DS is only 10 weeks old obviously and I’m getting full salary until 30 weeks. That’s why I would be reluctant to work part time at the evenings!

Why do you need the Saturday job money then? Can't you reduce some outgoing?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2024 22:31

PenelopeHofstadter · 07/08/2024 13:32

All of you saying 'oh poor man working 7 days a week';

OP is working 7 days a week too!

Or doesn't it count because it's 'wimmins work'?

Indeed! And she works through the night too, her DH is allowed to sleep

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2024 22:31

Op I would go and stay with your family for a little bit if they'll look after you

Corksoles · 10/08/2024 13:26

MsCactus · 08/08/2024 16:38

Sleep deprivation in the main parent significantly increases the risk of cot death. There's lots of studies into this - it's well established that there's a link.

Imo I'd rather prioritise sleep for the one looking after the baby - because I'd rather risk being sleep deprived at work than the main carer being sleep deprived with a baby and all the risks to the baby that carries

It doesn't mean all babies will be at risk - it just increases it, and personally I'd rather not increase that risk

Show quote history

Have you got evidence for this as a stand alone factor rather than in addition to co-sleeping? It sounds like horse shit to me.

Corksoles · 10/08/2024 13:34

The Lullaby Trust says nothing of the sort, @MsCactus so maybe you shouldn't promote alarmist disinformation on cot death on a parenting website.

There are really good evidence based guides for parents about safe sleep for your baby:
www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/

It's hugely important that parents take on board the right information and that we don't get in the way of that by talking nonsense that confuses or undermines these messages: on baby's back, don't overheat, nothing else in the cot, firm & flat mattress, don't smoke, have baby in with you for first 6 months. Q

Safer sleep advice - The Lullaby Trust

Reduce the risk of sudden infant death syndrome (sometimes known as SIDS or cot death) for your baby by following our safer sleep advice.

http://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice

Startingagainandagain · 10/08/2024 13:47

Working 7 days a week is not healthy...

He will just burn out and the logistic of him looking after a baby and working 7 days a week is simply impossible.

Something has to change and that should be him no longer working weekends.

Resisterance · 10/08/2024 13:59

My stbxh did this practically the minute i came home from the hospital with our baby.. checked out essentially. Previously he had been helpful and supportive but it evaporated almost overnight. The most lonely tiring few years until i gave up and left. I think it wasn't about him anymore and i hadnt realised under the veneer how fundamentally selfish he was. He's not changed.

TheBerry · 11/08/2024 09:38

I would show him this thread tbh.

Just trying to be generous to him for a mo, he possibly does not understand how exhausting it is looking after a newborn.

Before I had children I definitely thought just sitting around at home with a baby would be preferable to and much easier than working full time.

Now I’ve experienced both, I can say in a heartbeat that I would sooner work 7 days a week than look after a baby. I love my son more than anything in the world, but looking after him as a small baby was one of the most draining, stressful, and difficult things I’ve ever done.

If he isn’t doing any childcare, he might just not understand. Can you do a KIT day at work maybe and have him take one day off work to watch the baby? He should get up with the baby the night before, as you do that for him while he’s working! He’ll soon realise how hard it is, and hopefully stop being so much of a dick.

Notamum12345577 · 11/08/2024 09:41

Yellowpenguins · 07/08/2024 13:20

I feel like my DH has totally changed since I had my baby 10 weeks ago and I don’t know what to do.

I married him because (among other things) he is kind, a nice person and we get on well etc. He works full time and also does private jobs at the weekends (we need the money from this) so I get he’s busy. But that means I literally have the baby 24/7 with no breaks.

He does sometimes help with baby eg he will hold him for 10 mins if I need to hang out washing. We don’t have family near us so it is a lot looking after DS.

I feel like I’m losing my mind trying to work out if I’m unreasonable or expecting too much. Some examples of his behaviour:

Making himself a lunch/cup of tea and not asking if I want any. DS has bad reflux and if he’s crying and I’m getting upset DH will take him but it’s done in the tone of, you clearly can’t manage. He told me I’m a state when I got stressed at DS crying. He said he doesn’t care about feelings when he’s busy trying to get work done. Never gets up in the night or responds to DS crying.

He said he doesn’t understand why I’m getting stressed out as it’s easy to look after DS because I just need to sit with him.

Is this right? I’m so upset and conflicted because I didn’t marry a man who I thought would be like this. Is this usual behaviour for men who have had babies recently? Am I just being over emotional?

No, that isn’t usual for most men.

Welshmonster · 11/08/2024 09:53

Can you take baby and go and stay with your family to get some rest? If baby isn’t breastfed then go away for one night to family or friends and get your head down and sleep. You will be able to think clearly after some sleep.

Whatstheword21 · 11/08/2024 10:43

My husband was like this. Ours are 8 and 5 now and he’s like a different person again now - for the better. He didn’t cope well when they were babies even though he literally had to do nothing. We very nearly divorced multiple times and I did leave a couple of times due to his behaviour and attitude, but he has definitely changed into a lovely father now. It just took him a lot longer to adjust than it did me!

PixieLaLar · 11/08/2024 11:02

It’s not healthy for anyone to work 7 days and not have a proper break.

You were fine with him doing this because you ‘need the money’ but now you have taken issue with it because ‘you need a break’. I could understand him feeling resentful towards you over this to be honest.

He probably thinks you have it easy not working and being home with the baby all day when he’s working constantly.

It does sound like he’s being unkind making himself food/drinks and not offering you anything however I wouldn’t want or let my DH work 7 days a week and run himself into the ground just for the money. I can see both sides.

NewDogOwner · 11/08/2024 11:06

Let him/ make him look after baby for a decent stretch so he can see what it actually involves.