Does this sound 'off'?

[Sockmate123]

Posting here as more traffic.

I have a few friends that are parents of my kids friends. There's 5 or 6 I am pretty friendly with meeting for the odd coffee etc there are 2 I am quite friendly with and would chat to regularly, meet up every so often, Alison and Sophie.

I heard today that Alison's Dad died 2 weeks ago. She told her DD to keep it a secret! (No idea why!) But she told my DD and told her to keep it to herself which she did until this morning!!

I text Sophie asking had she heard this and she matter of factly said she had. I asked why didn't she tell me and she said she forgot all about it. Alison was very close to her Dad as she lost her Mum many years ago so it's not like it was an estranged parent or something.

Does anyone else think this all sounds strange? Background is Sophie has lied to me/bent the truth about a couple of things in the past and maybe that's clouding my judgement on this...

She doesn’t want to talk about it for whatever reason. From your description you are friendly acquaintances not close friends so I wouldn’t take it personally, nor criticise her for it. Dealing with the loss is hard and some people prefer to do that quietly.

I don’t think it sounds off, @Sockmate123. I simply think we aren’t entitled to know all the ins and outs of everybody’s lives and it doesn’t sound like you’re best friends anyway from your wording. Especially as it’s a bereavement, I’d tread lightly - again, you’re not owed anything and everybody grieves in different ways.

I do get why you may feel a bit upset if you thought you were closer friends, but it’s important to remind yourself of the bigger picture and let this situation slide. I know you haven’t implied it in your post, but please don’t take this out on your friend as if they’ve done something wrong. :)

Thanks for reply. Sorry my post might be a little unclear. I have no issue at all with Alison, its Sophie I think should have told me so I could have offered condolences. She went to funeral etc but didn't tell me. They are not closer friends at all, tbh they have had their differences so I feel she deliberately kept this from me for some weird reason!

Why are you cross with Sophie for not telling you Alison’s news? It’s not her news to tell. Not suggesting you confront your grieving friend but worth saying to her I found out, doesn’t matter how, and just want to let you know I’m sorry and here if you need anything.

Alison didn’t want your condolences. It’s not about you. My parents have both died. Condolences are all very polite and stuff but they won’t bring them back and basically mean sod all.

Well I have lost a parent and condolences did mean alot to me. In fact Alison was one of the first to send a card to me so I will obviously do the same in return. I just thought our mutual friend could have mentioned it, we are all going to an event in 2 weeks and she had mentioned that and who will drive etc but failed to mention this massive life changing event in Alisons life. I found out this morning by pure chance.
Thanks for reply

I sent her a message saying how sorry I was to hear etc in general this news filters around. From my own experience we didn't personally ring/text everyone when my parent died. We told close friends and they then filtered it around. When Sophie heard I think she should have mentioned it especially when she has been in contact about other stuff involving Alison.

But Alison specifically asked for it to be kept secret.

I can understand why she wasn't telling people. Especially if she has been there before, it can be exhausting dealing with people's condolences and expectations of you around loss. Sometimes it's easier to just keep it to yourself and a small circle so that life is 'as usual' in other places.

I wouldn't read too much into the actions of someone recently bereaved. It might seem strange and there might be no logic to it but grief can throw your whole world into a spin. I doubt it's anything personal or anything to worry about.

No she didn't. She told her child not to tell her friends (as in other kids). It's not a secret. It was in the paper and everything. We were abroad. Sophie knew this.

I agree with this. That's not my issue though. I think I've explained this really poorly 🙈🙈

Yes I think it’s a little strange that your friend didn’t say anything so you could offer your bereaved friend your condolences. You haven’t explained it well though, so you’re about to get a hammering. Take cover!

Oh I see. It might just be Sophie thought it was for Alison to tell you.

Honestly I wouldn’t dwell on it.

Do you think Sophie is trying to hamper your friendship with Alison?

I agree with others, it wasn’t Sophie’s place to say and it may have just been she didn’t want to share the news because of this - I get why you may doubt this if you’ve questioned her previous behaviour though. I’d personally drop it and wouldn’t be annoyed at Sophie - again it isn’t ultimately her place to say

Thank you, I'm usually good at writing but I've had a bit of a shitty day so yes I'll take cover 🤣🤣 or just not read any more replies 🙈

Grief takes many forms. It may be that your friend is struggling to process the circumstances. I think the benefit of the doubt is due here. Just try and be there if and when she needs you.

Yes! That's the nail on the head. You've said what I have been trying to verbalise. So that Alison will think I didn't care type thing...

Absolutely feel the opposite. Condolences and memories of the person gone rather than platitudes like it happens to us all eventually or you'll get through it we have to keep going etc can make such a difference.

Grief and "private matters" are completely up to those experiencing them. Some people let you in, some don't. Please never judge, and it is not about you or your standing as a friend, sometimes it is about what you can cope with at that time. I am sociable and outgoing, and have 4 or 5 "lifetime" friends that I would trust with my life, but having had bereavement recently, I told no-one. I knew they would rush to help me. I did not need help. I did not even need the gently and carefully worded help "so as to not overstep" - offered in the kindest and most selfless way, laying down their own requirements to help me with mine. I did not need that. I needed time to process it on my own. Without help.

Pretty obvious to me that Sophie wants you to appear uncaring. Alison would have expected Sophie to tell you and probably thinks you know.

She has past form of this which i won't go into as its too outing. Now it's just making me super wary of her 🤔

My cousin passed away recently. I didn’t tell a soul. It went to inquest and appeared in the newspaper. It all felt a bit much tbh. (Inquest happened surprisingly fast!)

Still, only one of my 5 best friends know! Not intentionally - just didn’t want to discuss it tbh!

But then I appreciate I’m a bit weird 🫶🏻 I’m a closed book because once I cry - I don’t stop for days.

Oh I think I completely misread your post! So the issue is Sophie not letting you know? So hard to tell without actually knowing the people involved. She could have thought it wasn't her place or she could be being snakey. Either way it's probably not worth your emotional energy. If Alison knows you were away when the notice went out and had asked her dd to keep it a secret then I'm sure she'll understand you not having known about what happened. Maybe see if you can go for a coffee or something just the two of you? You know now so can be there for her now.