Does this sound 'off'?

[Sockmate123]

Posting here as more traffic.

I have a few friends that are parents of my kids friends. There's 5 or 6 I am pretty friendly with meeting for the odd coffee etc there are 2 I am quite friendly with and would chat to regularly, meet up every so often, Alison and Sophie.

I heard today that Alison's Dad died 2 weeks ago. She told her DD to keep it a secret! (No idea why!) But she told my DD and told her to keep it to herself which she did until this morning!!

I text Sophie asking had she heard this and she matter of factly said she had. I asked why didn't she tell me and she said she forgot all about it. Alison was very close to her Dad as she lost her Mum many years ago so it's not like it was an estranged parent or something.

Does anyone else think this all sounds strange? Background is Sophie has lied to me/bent the truth about a couple of things in the past and maybe that's clouding my judgement on this...

It's good that you asked Sophie directly. Her behaviour has been at least mildly challenged, so she might think twice before doing this sort of thing with you again.

If its in the paper and everyone knew then maybe Sophie thought you knew.
It sounds like you're not close friends with either of them and you're not a priority to be personally told about it.

OP, people are just different. You found condolences helpful; not everyone does.

My dad was diagnosed with cancer. He hardly told anyone and didn't talk about his treatment other than to tell us he was having it. From the way he dealt with it, you'd be forgiven for thinking he regarded ituch like having a cold - unimportant.

My mum (they were divorced) said he was a coward and not facing up to it. It wasn't true. He just didn't want it to become the only thing people thought about when they met him and he didn't want people's sympathy.

Whilst he was undergoing treatment, my mum was also diagnosed with cancer. She told everyone. Right down to the woman on the till at sainsbury's who just said, "How's your day going?" as they do. Everyone was told; everyone got chapter and verse on her treatment. I asked her why she told everyone and she said, "It's nice to get the sympathy."

Who was right?

Neither of them. People are different.

If the real issue is that Sophie is divisive, then bear that in mind in your interactions with her goikg forward.

It's definitely odd, OP, and if you had past experiences with her I'd say you are right in what you suspect. She seems to love triangulating communications: I've had several people in my life like that, setting up situations for drama. You do not want to feed her drama, though, so I would probably ignore her/her behaviour and go on with what you would otherwise normally had done in this case. Obvs, let Alison out of it, but when time passes and if the right moment comes, you could casually let her know that Sophie didn't tell you and that you felt sorry for not being there for her.

Was it related to gossiping?

A death of someone loved and the grieving is private, we have the right to tell or not tell to anyone we like.

We don't expect to be judged by nosy acquaintances!

Again, it's nothing to do with Alison, its Sophie's behaviour. I lost my Dad, I know how it goes, it's awful. This is more about a 'friend' potentially trying to create drama.

It was actually so maybe that explains it but why didn't she say I didn't think my place to sat instead of she forgot.

Thanks for all the replies everyone. I have read them all with interest. I will go with my gut I think and continue as normal but keep a close eye on Sophie!

That was my only other thought too, that she didn't want to get in anyone's bad books again. Maybe she said she forgot because she doesn't want to draw attention to her past bad behaviour ... it's not great though. I hope 'Alison' is OK.

It's quite odd to specifically tell her child to keep her grandfathers death a secret.

I think it depends if you'd met or knew her dad. If not then they probably were only telling the bare minimum as he wanted a small funeral. So only people who knew him. Either way it's not the other friends responsibility to tell you or not. And the bereaved one clearly didn't feel like talking about it. I'm presuming your daughter must have overheard something about it when at this lady's house? As I don't see why she'd tell your kid but not you? But it's her choice.

It's not off, but she is not your friend.

Her child whispered it to mine at a football match. I was there but not on the pitch. Child was brought to match by neighbour/childminder.

I'm thinking maybe you are right!

Way to make it all about you

I expect Alison didn't tell her DD to "keep it a secret" but rather "Please don't tell everyone darling" which is probably along the lines of what she said to Sophie also.

When I lost my Dad, all the Facebook messages saying simply "Thoughts xx" (ie: couldn't even be bothered to type the full "My thoughts are with you" or "I'm sorry for your loss" just "thoughts xx" or "Sorry to hear"

Either way, it drove me nuts, all the (admittedly well meant) messages/texts/emails from people who felt obligated to type something and having to have a brief but clearly forced conversation with countless people when all I wanted to do was curl up and cry.