Does this sound 'off'?

[Sockmate123]

Posting here as more traffic.

I have a few friends that are parents of my kids friends. There's 5 or 6 I am pretty friendly with meeting for the odd coffee etc there are 2 I am quite friendly with and would chat to regularly, meet up every so often, Alison and Sophie.

I heard today that Alison's Dad died 2 weeks ago. She told her DD to keep it a secret! (No idea why!) But she told my DD and told her to keep it to herself which she did until this morning!!

I text Sophie asking had she heard this and she matter of factly said she had. I asked why didn't she tell me and she said she forgot all about it. Alison was very close to her Dad as she lost her Mum many years ago so it's not like it was an estranged parent or something.

Does anyone else think this all sounds strange? Background is Sophie has lied to me/bent the truth about a couple of things in the past and maybe that's clouding my judgement on this...

Maybe flowers and/or a card to say you are sorry to hear of the loss of her father, sorry you didn't acknowledge it earlier but you only just heard. Then invite her to do something very normal like a walk or coffee or visit very soon?

She told her DD to keep it a secret! (No idea why!) But she told my DD and told her to keep it to herself which she did until this morning!!

Based on this I would assume that Alison also told Sophie to keep it to herself (or to keep it from you in particular…?) and that Sophie simply didn’t want to say ‘she told me not to tell you’ so she said ‘I forgot’.

The thing with asking advice online or even in person after the event Is that its hard to convey to others certain things such as the way things are said and things that make a difference such as the expressions or body language used. On face value, looking at this dispassionately the majority of people will focus on it not being Sophies news to tell and how Alison must have wanted to deal with her grief privately etc and that you shouldn't take it personally.

I am not looking at it dispassionately because I believe that you are picking up on things and that combined with previous negative experiences concerning Sophie and being disingenuous are leaving you feeling that things are indeed off, but because it's such a sensitive subject you're questioning yourself and of course its not something that you can really approach anyone about.

Sorry for waffling on. My point is that I do think your judgement is likely correct and I suspect Sophie is probably enjoying any chance to slyly make a point of her knowing about the bereavement and thst she went to the funeral, but I would suspect that she wouldn't have been included either, but possibly found out some other way such as from her child or from someone who passed on the news somehow.

I wouldn't presume that Alison confided in her unless of course you hear that from Alison. I would not let Sophie get under your skin at all and now that it's out in the open then you can approach Alison and say you've heard and say you're there if she needs to talk or anything, but that you understand if she's not ready to talk and then you'll likely find out the true events and it's probably nothing like Sophie has presented it. It is awful feeling left out etc but I would suspect all is not as it seems xxxx

YABU. Sophie shouldn't be telling you that news. Alison should if she wants to (and it sounds like she doesn't)
For what it's worth, I have a group of mum friends who I didn't tell when my mum died. I'm not even sure why. There never seemed like a good time. I don't think I felt about it as you are expected too and I just didn't really want to be discussing it with people. I did tell one friend as I needed her help looking after the kids while I went to the funeral. I didn't expect her to tell everyone else.
If I was Sophie, I probably wouldn't tell you. I don't pass on other people's news if I consider it personal. I recently had a mum friend (quite close) tell me another mum had cancer. She asked me not to say to my kids and it struck me then that actually, I wouldn't tell anyone. She mentioned a few people she had told. I just wouldn't tell people something that private.

Thank you for such a detailed reply and great advice! You articulated this really well and I intend to react exactly how you have suggested. Thanks so much for typing all this out x

I really wouldn't take it too personally. When friends have suffered a bereavement, I rarely pass the news on to other friends unless specifically asked to. Like someone else said, I don't feel that it's my news to tell. I have occasionally asked the bereaved friend if they would like me to let the others know; sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.

I wouldn't dwell on it but I understand that you must feel left out.

Through my work I am privy to very sensitive information. I have to and always do maintain the highest level of confidentiality. Some people who i come across through work are also neighbours, friends, acquaintances etc I have never spoken out of turn.

My opinion on this is her Dad has passed. This is different to someone quietly undergoing treatment for an illness. It's not something you can hide. I live in a small town and word does get around. Sophie has contacted me 3 times since the death around the upcoming event all 3 of us are attending around logistical arrangements, who will drive etc and mentioned Alison..I just don't know why she didn't say at any point, oh just to let you know in case you haven't heard etc

Regarding the child I don't know what that's about tbh although she is a very loud, outspoken child so maybe they didn't want her telling random people.

Thanks for your reply. It's great to get other perspectives. As another poster said, it's probably difficult to convey this properly over text. I got a feeling Sophie took some kind of strange pleasure in knowing while I didn't...

I sort of got you at first but the more you post the more you are making it about you

You are writing like you are back at school, just stop and treat them as you did beford

I have a very good group of long-standing friends. When a close relative died recently, I didn’t tell them. I didn’t want (or need) all the condolences and sympathies, or them feeling they have to help in some way. I just wanted our usual meet-up of chatting, laughing and nonsense.

When my mum died last year, there were people I told & people I didn’t tell, for a range of reasons. It wasn’t necessarily rational but nobody’s rational at that point. It wasn’t even just down to how much I liked someone.

She told her child not to tell her friends (as in other kids).

How old is the child? I find it very odd to tell your child they can't tell anyone their grandad died.

(I know that isn't your main point, sorry)

A few people have suggested reasons why Sophie may have done this (other than she's out to get you). Others have shared times when they have chosen not to pass on their own or other people's private business.

Rather than listening to these other perspectives and trying to understand them, you seem to be replying each time to say that it's not how you would do it.

Maybe Sophie is trying to get one up on you in this friendship. Or maybe you are simply applying your ideas of how someone should act onto your friend.
I assume you've posted to AIBU for other perspectives, so maybe try to take them on board.

I’m not sure we can be absolutely certain that Alison also didn’t ask Sophie to keep it quiet. Unless you know that for definite I don’t think you can be annoyed.

I know I wouldn’t want to be passing on that news to others – I wouldn’t feel it was my place it would feel a bit like ‘gossiping’ unless the person who had suffered the bereavement explicitly told me to let others know. Perhaps Sophie feels like that? It’s odd she says she just ‘forgot’ though. If she’d said she felt uncomfortable passing it on, that might have been more understandable.

This is MN twisted logic at its finest.

IRL it is of course VERY strange to deliberately hide the fact that your parent has died from a relatively frequently seen mum friend. Ffs. I can get how you might forget to inform people outside your close circle - but actively asking your child to lie by ommision to another child is nutso. Jeez

Have you read below? I literally just said it's great to have other perspectives!! Maybe it posted before you typed this.

10!!! I find it very odd too especially when the death was published online/newspaper

I think there are 2 things going on here.

1. It does sound like Sophie deliberately didn't tell you about Alison's bereavement, for whatever reason. Time will tell there.

2. Alison told her own child not to spread the news. In my experience of these things, people can be reticent because the more people you tell (or who know), the more real and established as fact it becomes, and that can be devastating. My mother did something similar when my sibling died.

I think you sound like you care about Alison and are trying to be a good friend OP.

It only happened 2 weeks ago, so maybe Alison asked her child to keep it quiet until she’d had the chance to inform all the wider family/parents friends etc. She could have just told the child that initially and not meant it to extend for weeks or anything.

When my dad passed it was a lengthy process getting in touch with all his friends and cousins etc. My parents and sister and her kids live in a really close knit town and I can see a scenario where my sister might ask her kids not to spread the info until all the necessary people had been informed properly. No one wants to hear their friend or cousin has passed through 3rd or 4th hand information.

I also did start to forgot what friends id told and who I hadn’t told! It was all a blur really. Then a few months later I realised I had told one very good friend how ill he was but not actually told her he’d passed. I felt very mixed up with everything else going on.

Anyway, that’s just an idea really when it comes to the kids.

It’s a bit odd that Sophie just ‘forgot’ rather than was told to not tell anyone or didn’t feel comfortable telling anyone.

Yes, of course she didn't forget. She is choosing not to say. Background on this is she was caught out on something quite big a number of months ago. I feel this is why my judgement is kind of clouded by this.

Have you tried saying "Sophie, I wish you'd told me so I could pass condolences on to Alison?"

You say it's great to have them. But every response to a different perspective has seemed to be to explain why it's wrong, why it's different, why you wouldn't have done that.

Exactly that and replied. I'm sorry, I should have but I forgot.

I frankly question whether she forgot.

@Sockmate123
Sophie is causing trouble.

I've a friend I've just defriended because of this.
It's horrible.

Maybe Alison asked her daughter not to tell because children tend to use it for attention as they don't fully understand death.

How come none of the other less close friends told you.

How did Alison react when you ordered your condolences?

Get rid of Sophie!

I have a school mum friend who I’ve known for many years who didn’t tell me her DF had died until over two weeks later. For religious reasons her DF’s funeral was held quickly but initially I felt a bit taken aback, but I realised at the same time that this was what was right for her.

My DM is on end of life in a hospice and I won’t be telling anyone, bar one friend, when she dies. We have been estranged for quite a few years and I am already grieving and stressed for the DM I wish I had had, but I’ve also learnt that most people don’t care or understand about estrangement and grief and that it can be very painful. What I’m trying to say is that people have their reasons for not telling everyone about family bereavement.

I actually don't know if they know, I didn't text around everyone as like someone said I didn't want to be gossiping. Also us 3 are 'closer' and it's only us 3 going to the event coming up.

I'm actually thinking I might have to distance myself from Sophie. Quietly quit the friendship as they say...