To want a relationship with Mum’s exP

[FreshStart2025]

My Mum left my Dad when I was 12 and moved to another city with her new partner. They married but divorced after 15 years or so and she is now remarried. I always got on well with the new partner and he was like a father figure to me in some ways. Now as an adult, we keep in touch and meet occasionally (like once per year). My Mum thinks I’m totally unreasonable to do this and I shouldn’t be seeing her ex’s.

YABU - You shouldn’t have a relationship with your Mum’s ex

YANBU - It’s ok to have a relationship with someone in your life for many years.

In my opinion, he is a good man. She left him if it makes any difference!

I do similar and my mum hates it. I think she's being petty.

You have your own relationship with him; he was a father figure to you.

Your mum doesn’t have the right to ask you not to see him.

Your mum doesn’t appear to be putting your feelings first. She’s making it about her when this is v clearly not about her.

He was in your life longer than your actual dad, did you still see him?

Of course you'll have a relationship with him.

Your mum presumably wanted you to accept this man into your life as a part of your family, and can't be surprised that you formed a bond that you want to maintain.

My kids still keep in touch with my ex and I don't mind in one way because he was always quite kind to them. In another way though, I worry because he re-wrote history as we were splitting up, to the extent that he reversed roles when re-telling events, to make me look bad and him look good. I am not sure about how much of his lies he has told them about me. I know that I uncovered one lie about me when my son accidentally mentioned something and I had to put him straight.
I am hoping that his relationship with my kids will fade as the years go on. He is a bit of a twat, so it's likely they are seeing what I saw, anyway, as time goes on.

Parents wanting their children to blindly follow and mimic their feelings towards their partners do so much damage. A dear friend of my children was expected to share mother's feelings as she drifted from partner to partner. It is unrealistic, especially where a partner has been an important parental figure in a child's life.

You do what you want and ignore your Mum.

DMs probably cross because she thinks in seeing him you're dissing her decision to leave that relationship. However if you always got on with him why would you not continue to meet up. We still meet up with some exPs of DSis and DBiL.

You were given no say (I assume) about having to live with this man when you were younger. Fortunately you ended up having a good relationship. Now your mum doesn’t get to have a say about whether you continue the relationship with someone she brought into your life who you came to see as a father figure. It might be different if he had betrayed her or treated her badly in some way.

YANBU and you have every right to continue the relationship, your mum will just have to deal with it. Just don’t discuss it with her if it makes things easier.

It's a bit icky. You've said yourself he's a father figure.....

Its not that sort of a relationship, its an annual meeting

It seems reasonable to me

She is 100% being petty.

If you introduce your child to a new partner and then they become a step dad figure in your child’s life, it seems cruel to then be miffed if your child then wants to maintain a relationship even if you split.

I understand if exP had only been in mums life for 6 months, but to be a father figure for years seems harsh to then expect child to cut them off.

What is icky about meeting up with a “step dad figure” once a year? Where did OP say she was meeting up weekly to sleep with him?

What’s ‘icky’?

Your mum sounds very selfish.

I can't see what's icky about meeting up with a stepdad or why him being described as a father figure is problematic either.

The former is what happens when a bond and a relationship develops; the latter is an accurate description of the role he played in her life.

I know lots of people who have stayed mates with the ex partners brother/sister/etc
I have one friend who stayed with her mums ex husband when they seperated and he recently walked her down the aisle. Families come in all different shapes and sizes.

I’m not sure how you’ve taken it but I meant just a father-daughter type relationship!

Your mum is very selfish.
Absolutely none of her business whom you are in contact.
God knows she gave you little consideration over the years.
Consider therapy if you have boundary issues with her.
Look after yourself, you certainly haven't had it easy.

Oh I'm.so sorry, I read it as a boyfriend girlfriend relationship! I'm an idiot.of course YANBU.

Most of us understood this.

I think someone has issues. And I don't mean you 😉

Edited: x post!

I think that's lovely! I still have a brilliant relationship with the woman my Dad left my mum for (almost 30 years ago now). My mum never minded as long as I was treated well when I went to stay with them (which I was) and my Dad has long since died but she was in my life since I was a teenager so she's been like a mum-type figure to me alongside my actual mum!

My mum hated the fact I had a relationship with my actual dad, 30 years after they divorced!

YANBU op - you have a positive, standalone adult relationship with him, you should be able to choose if you want to keep that.

Actually I lived with my Dad. When I say she left my Dad, that included me and my siblings also.

Thanks for the responses. I am made to feel like I’m being totally unreasonable but I have a good (father-daughter!) relationship with him so don’t see why I should sacrifice that. Obviously I don’t want to upset my Mum either so it’s tricky.