To want a relationship with Mum’s exP

[FreshStart2025]

My Mum left my Dad when I was 12 and moved to another city with her new partner. They married but divorced after 15 years or so and she is now remarried. I always got on well with the new partner and he was like a father figure to me in some ways. Now as an adult, we keep in touch and meet occasionally (like once per year). My Mum thinks I’m totally unreasonable to do this and I shouldn’t be seeing her ex’s.

YABU - You shouldn’t have a relationship with your Mum’s ex

YANBU - It’s ok to have a relationship with someone in your life for many years.

In my opinion, he is a good man. She left him if it makes any difference!

What is icky about it. I'm in regular touch with my ex stepdad as is my brother. It's youngest brother who has a more difficult relationship with him and it's his biological father.

However my mum wasn't bothered about this. She. met him when I was 8 ( although I didn't live with her) and they divorced when I was about 40 .

Your mum is being incredibly selfish.

She has made this all about her - rather than what’s best for you.

When your mum left your dad and moved to another city with her new partner - did she at all think this might not be the best thing as it would be difficult for you to see your dad?

When she divorced husband number 2 after 15 years - did she consider your feelings at all? The man who was like a father figure to you. Are you expected to just turn your feelings off & ignore him?

My SC’s mum has done her best to stop the kids having a relationship with their dad or me as they aren’t together any more. It’s so sad - it’s not about her, it’s about what’s best for the kids.

do what you want. She will only nag, what else

Gosh - I have just read that you lived with your dad when your mum you & your siblings to go and live with another man.

You are extremely forgiving.

Your mum is selfish and only cares about her own feelings. You are an adult and she gets no say.

@FreshStart2025 mate, I wouldn’t worry too much about what your mum thinks. She made her bed !

do what makes you happy. She’s only thought about herself

I still keep in touch with my dad’s ex from when I was a teenager. They were together for probably 10 years. She is a lovely lady and I actually liked her more than my dad (she made him just about tolerable!).

My dad died when I was 18 and I have been NC with my mum for several years. So this ex- partner is literally the closest thing to a parental figure who remembers me growing up. It’s actually really nice. We maybe only message a few times a year (we live on opposite sides of the world now), but I’ve very glad we re-connected.

I will admit from the title before I opened the thread this is what I thought you were meaning… then I actually read the thread!

YANBU your mum is. She brought this man into your life for 15 years, I’m guessing she wanted you to have a relationship while she was with him. It’s very unfair of her to want you to end a relationship of that length (presumably there’s no good reason to end it like he’s a danger etc?).

So she abandoned you with your dad, then brought another man into your life, then left him and now has another man, who she presumably thinks you should like. I know who i think is being unreasonable here, and it isn't you.

Abandoned her? Where do you get that from?

This sums it up.

You are both entitled to your feelings.

I would continue a relationship with a parents' ex partner if if I wanted to, you are doing nothing wrong.

I’m glad you have this relationship, sounds like it is very positive for you. My Dad also recently passed away so it’s nice to have someone else in my life who knew me growing up.

Based on your mum's dating history and prioritisation of things family wise, I'm inclined to think she doesn't necessarily have good judgement or reasoning to object to this.

From a slightly different perspective, is it possible there is something about his behaviour or treatment of your mum that makes this meeting up difficult for her? One way to find out more would be to gently ask your mum and ask for more details than ' because he's my ex' . Her response should give you enough insight to make the decision to see him and ignore her. You could reassure her that out of respect to her you won't discuss or divulge personal details about her life to him.

I've cut an older sibling ( it's kind of mutual), but I have tried to keep my teen son away at all costs. Kids don't see everything and some are great at presenting a front. This sibling is narcissistic/sociopathic and incredibly manipulative and emotionally damaging to me. This is the only reason I thought it may be worth digging further with your mum.

Did you miss the bit were the OP said when her mum left her dad to live with another man in another city she (the OP) stayed with her dad as her mum left & didn’t bother to take the kids with her?

She means a father / daughter relationship.

And? When my parents split I stayed with my dad and my mum moved away. But I wasn't abandoned!!!

Strange how kids left with their mother are not generally called abandoned isn't it?

And just imagine someone calling social services saying a child is abandoned. When they ask the child IS WITH THEIR FATHER

Abandoning is the act of leaving, not the context of who they are left with. I absolutely consider a parent that walks out, goes to live in another city with limited contact with their children as having abandoned them. The sex of the parent in question is irrelevant.

I am sorry your mother did that to you too.

It didn't bother me I was a total Daddy's girl. I wouldn't have gone with her ( my brother did)

But we had a very good relationship until she died

But you honestly telling me that a child living with one of their parents would be considered abandoned by social services - or even society in general

I wasn’t a Daddy’s girl. Home life was lacking after she left. Now as a parent, I can’t imagine leaving my own children (I wouldn’t) to move away without them.

I don’t hold it against her though, she was unhappy and had a right to happiness.

For a start the ‘icky’ comment from pp is out of order and just plain weird!

If this guy has been in your life since your were 12 and for a number of years, then you have every right to see him and keep in contact with him - he probably was a key part in you growing up in some very horrid teen years! X

My eldest is not my OH daughter - we have two younger kids (not young now - 16 and 17) I have been with him 20 years .. my eldest is 26 and has had him more in her life and do more for her than her own father (who she chose to go no contact with - by herself when she was about 15 as she only heard from him once or twice a year despite living less than 5 miles away and realised herself what a waste of space he is) … if we split up, I would never throw a strop about her seeing him as he has been integral in her upbringing x

You are doing nothing wrong … Your mum needs to give her head a wobble.. She brought this man into your life and stayed with him for x amount of years .. whatever went wrong in their relationship is not on you .. sounds like he treated you well .. she sounds very bitter! Did he cheat on her? X

I thought you meant a romantic relationship. 🤢

But a familial one seems much more appropriate.

Frankly if she didn't want this to happen she shouldn't have had a relationship with man and had him share a home with her child. She should've either kept it discreet or not had a relationship until you were grown. I'd say that about a man too. She doesn't get to choose whether you continue in a relationship she introduced.

Wow, your mum is very self absorbed. Happy to being men in your life, but not happy for you to continue a relationship with them if she isn't with them

Your mum cannot make someone important to you during your childhood and then expect them to be nothing to you in your adulthood.

She's being absolutely ridiculous.

As she's introduced him to your life and allowed him to become a father figure then this is on her and she's not allowed to be surprised you see him as a father figure