To want a relationship with Mum’s exP

[FreshStart2025]

My Mum left my Dad when I was 12 and moved to another city with her new partner. They married but divorced after 15 years or so and she is now remarried. I always got on well with the new partner and he was like a father figure to me in some ways. Now as an adult, we keep in touch and meet occasionally (like once per year). My Mum thinks I’m totally unreasonable to do this and I shouldn’t be seeing her ex’s.

YABU - You shouldn’t have a relationship with your Mum’s ex

YANBU - It’s ok to have a relationship with someone in your life for many years.

In my opinion, he is a good man. She left him if it makes any difference!

Your mum would see it as a betrayal of trust, she presumably left or got left by this bloke for reasons, isn’t actively keeping a relationship with him so negative, yet her daughter still talks to him.

you however have it seems a 2nd dad so don’t want that relationship ruined.

mum needs to grow up but think you should not talk about him in front of her, keep speaking to him as and when you need to and he can too :)

The scales fall from their eyes ad they grow up, and they do begin to accept that a good dad can be a lousy parent, or that people and relationships evolve.
Both my two ( now in 20's) had access to dad enabled by me ( he was the one who messed them about). Son sees his dad as flawed, but still cares about him, buy chooses not to see him or have him in his life. Daughter is emotionally stuck at 'daddy's princess' stage emotionally, thinks he's the best thing since time began ( despite all the disappointments and damage he has caused). I'm just dull old reliable mum. But one day maybe she'll appreciate it !!

Without sounding disrespectful to your mum it's not up to her who you see or talk to tbh unless something happened between them which she hasn't told you.

He was in your life for some of the most inportant years of your life, going through the teenage years and becoming a young woman. I dont think you are unreasonable at all to still be in contact with this person if they are wanting to maintain your relationship. It may be making your Mum uncomfortable but you are a grown woman now and can decide for yourself who to have in your life

Then she really should have told her.

I spent a couple of years popping into the local pharmacy to say Hello to the woman who worked there, who were one half of a couple that my parents had been really good friends with for years. I knew my parents hadn't seen much of them recently, but I got on with her well (we shared a love of Discworld and other sci fi books).

Turns out she'd had an affair with my Dad, and I'd been completely oblivious!

My kids have absolutely no contact with my ex (he's not their dad) they think he's a total knob. If he had been closer to them, nurtured them, been there for them I would have no problem with them them having a relationship. My stepson was only 3 when I met him, I played with him taught him to cook, swim etc encouraged him to play rugby, I have no contact with him now and I accept that
It's sad but I am not his mum just his dad's ex girlfriend (for 15+ years) Sometimes people are just lent to you for a short time. That's life.

She brought him into your life OP by having a relationship with him while you were a child. Now she can't be surprised or pissed off that you see him as a father figure. She doesn't sound that great tbh so I wouldn't be bending to her will.

He was your step dad for 15 years - your mum is being very unreasonable saying you can't have a relationship with him.

As long as he didn’t abuse her, then you should be able to maintain the relationship guilt free and your mom is being unreasonable.

more talks with mom required!

He didn’t cheat on her. She left him eventually as was unhappy and didn’t feel her needs were being met.