What's more rude - interrupting a reader OR ignoring an interrupter?

[MonsteraMama]

An ongoing (and light hearted!) debate in my house currently which I think can be settled with a good old fashioned poll.

Here is the situation: a person is sitting on the sofa reading a book. A member of that person's family enters the room, sees them reading, and tries to engage them in a conversation (in this instance about cats, nothing important or an emergency). The reader "hmm hmms" and makes vaguely agreeable noises but otherwise ignores the interrupter until said interrupter realises the reader is too engaged in their book and leaves the room again.

Who's more rude?

YABU - The reader should have looked up from their book and engaged in the conversation being had with them.

YANBU - The interrupter was rude for expecting the reader to drop what they're doing and engage in conversation with them.

(I am neither interrupter nor reader, just interested in how this would go down in other people's houses, as it's caused some spicy debate this evening between the two parties.)

this!

I don’t really get the whole “would you interrupt someone watching a movie/playing games/an instrument”- if they’re hanging out in the living room then yes, we’ll all casually chat to each other? Sometimes my husband will announce he’s going into a tricky boss fight when he’s gaming and not to talk to him, but I don’t think it’s rude to chat to someone in a shared space just because they’re doing an activity (and I’m an avid reader too).

If it’s every 5 minutes though that’s definitely annoying.

I know it's not what you asked, but I really like the picture you've painted of a fiery debate and them both holding their own while you watch with popcorn 😆 love that for them. We should all be able to have a good robust argument without falling out about it.

Could you come to some kind of arrangement where she's allowed to wear noise cancelling headphones to signal that she wants to concentrate, on the mutual understanding that she still has to be polite if someone really needs to interrupt, but interruptions are not allowed when the headphones are on unless it's v important!

Agree with this. But if you game then you are a loser (I don't game BTW). It's rude to ignore someone talking to you just because you are reading. Go and read somewhere private if you can't put up with interactions

Thanks for letting us know who is who @MonsteraMama

I think I am even more #teamdaughter.
She has to be able to set healthy boundaries and not be expected to drop what she is doing to placate her DF.

I think a compromise-could he poke his head round the door? Ask if it is a good time?
I don't think just because she is in the living room that she has no right to refuse an unwanted interruption.

How would your DH handle it if he were engrossed in something- Work/film/football/cricket etc and she came in to discuss the cat?

I think it is def about respect and boundaries here.

I’m a reader and do it ‘communal’ areas. DH and kids will say my name and then wait for me to come to an appropriate place to stop and then engage. Sometimes I put on noise cancelling headphones when I’m reading (to cut out ambient noise) so they have to attract my attention.

If your DH thinks his desire for conversation is more important than his daughter’s pleasure in reading then he’s the one with an issue. Unless it’s a time critical conversation but even then I’d wait to have their attention.

Personally, I’d be glad to have a avid 16 year old reader so wouldn’t want it to become an issue.

Tiny bit ironic for you to be calling anyone rude when you've just said something quite rude yourself.

Why does gaming specifically make someone a loser, out of interest?

I don't think @Bloom15 is referring to gamers as losers, she's referring to the prevailing anti-gaming attitude on MN.

If you posted this thread about gaming your daughter would have been flamed to oblivion, along with your own parenting for raising her.

Aaah I see, I misunderstood. Apologies @Bloom15 if that's the case.

Yes you're quite right, I think if she'd been absorbed on her switch or playstation she'd be being lambasted for being a rude and ignorant teenager!

The interruptor is rude.

Why not just ask instead of just start to talk at someone?

If someone is doing something imo, they are occupied so it is best to ask than just assume they are up for or want conversation and it shouldn’t matter if it is in a communal area or not.

DH would drive me mental doing this where he would just start talking at me while I was in the middle of something and it would usually be about something where he would have to explain what he was on why could he have not told me this at another time. I could be watching tv and he could see that I was and he would plop down and start talking to me and it didn’t matter if I was watching in the living room, or on my tablet in a bedroom.

I don’t start talking at him when he is doing things unless necessary. I realise he has blinders on when he wants to talk about something and doesn’t take full focus until after he has finished or I tell him to wait.

I just asked my teenage daughters and DH for their thoughts. Both DD say it's rude to interrupt, DH said 'it depends on the context'. Guess who is the person in our house who is not a reader and does interrupt all the time whatever I'm doing, he even comes in for a chat when I'm doing yoga.

As far as communal spaces go, we have 2 seating areas at opposite ends of the garden, and two sitting rooms, there are lots of 'communal' places for being sociable or quiet. Meanwhile our bedroom is not yet decorated and so I'm absolutely reading in the library sitting room with all my books.

If I am reading and someone tries to engage me in a conversation, I look up and ask if it's urgent.
If it is, then I talk. If not, I gently point out I am busy reading and that we can chat later.
Easy.

Exactly this. I don't know what it is about reading that makes people think you're open for conversation or just waiting for something better to come up that you can do instead? Nobody tries to start a conversation with me when I'm watching Netflix but when it's a book it's fine. Baffles me.

I've been trying to train DH for 18 years about how rude this is, without any success. I have carefully explained that, when reading, I am in a completely different world. He needs to get my attention first, then ask his question, not launch into something then get annoyed that I am not instantly "on it". Especially when it is something totally unimportant or incompetence ("where is my phone" for example).
I've stopped reading in front of him, except very occasionally, e.g. on holiday, which is really sad as I used to read avidly.
The interrupter is rude.

I shared a bedroom with my sister for a long time, so the bedroom was essentially a communal area as well. It's not unreasonable to want to sit and read uninterrupted for a bit in the living room.

Everyone is different, but I don't mind chatting so much if I'm gaming as long as there isn't a cut scene or conversation happening, but reading - or watching a film - there's a constant narrative that you're following and it's disrupting to be constantly interrupted. My DGM seemed to find me reading a red flag to a bull, as soon as I got a book out she seemed to feel compelled to talk to me even if she'd had no interest in communicating with me up to that point. I think she disapproved of me reading.

It's not unreasonable to want to sit and read uninterrupted for a bit in the living room

This. In your own house, you do what you want where you want, and respect the others. If someone interrupts you and doesn't realise it's disrespecting your wishes, you clarify your wishes. It's not 'A' is rude and 'B' is not. It's that it's rude to disrespect someone's wishes, and it's rude to expect someone to guess your wishes without you telling them.

Depends. Would the same deference be shown to gaming? Or watching a film? Or reading something on a phone/tablet?

I often have my nose in a book so I am used to being interrupted. If I am at a really good part, I will try to find a quiet spot in the house, even if I have to lie on my bed.

This thread did make me think about a difference in parenting between my husband and I though. When my kids were little they would frequently run into the living room and start talking to us while we were watching tv or focussing on something like reading. My husband would get irritated and refuse to listen to them if he was busy but I always stopped what I was doing and listened to them. 95% of the time it was rambling and something I was not interested in at all. By the time they were teenagers, they continued to interrupt me but they no longer tried telling my husband anything, ever.

I think most people would say children need to learn boundaries and they should respect your time, etc. but in my experience, if you don't make yourself available to listen to all the trivial shit kids want to tell you as they are growing up, eventually they won't even try to tell you the really important shit.

Strangely I would find the interrupter rude if someone was reading a proper book
However would feel the opposite with a magazine/tablet/phone.

So if someone was reading a book on their tablet, you wouldn’t find the interrupter rude?

Think it’s probably people who didn’t grow up in an environment where reading was seen as important and/or something one could/would enjoy doing for fun so shouldn’t be bothered without asking.

My parents both read as do my sister and I. It was normal for us to be in different parts of the house reading a book. Our parents would look into our rooms, see us reading a book and would leave us to it and interrupt if they needed us to do something or they were heading out. I would see my mom reading in the bedroom, my dad in the living room or the basement depending on the weather, and my sister in her room. It was being respectful of and understanding each other’s time and that we were all doing something we enjoyed and there was no need to mindlessly interrupt unless necessary. If we had questions or needed help with something, we would knock and/or say “excuse me” and say what we needed.

somewhere private.. like their OWN HOUSE? 😂

I voted YABU not because I'm an interpreter, but because I'm the only reader in this house and if one of my kids came in and spoke to me while I was reading I wouldn't mind.

I'd either keep reading and listen at the same time or just look up for a minute, it's not like you're going to miss something.

It would be a bit irritating if it was constant though.

@BadNeighbour101

somewhere private.. like their OWN HOUSE

I think under the sink seems the best idea.

This drives me mad! The interrupter was being incredibly rude!