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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents & carseats

68 replies

Sprogonthetyne · 05/08/2024 16:42

Just spent the weekend with PIL and on 3 occasions MIL ask if the DC (7&4) could travel without car seats. Once I'd probably over look, but the fact she kept asking makes it feel less like she didn't know, and more like she was trying to pressure us into not using them.

WIBU to not want her to take the children out alone because of this? Im worried that if I wasn't there to insist, she just wouldn't use them, but I'll be framed as crazy overprotective mum if I raise this.

For background, when the oldest was a few months old, she persuaded 'D'H into driving home from a family meet up I wasn't at with him Forwad faceing. DH & I had very strong words about this when I found out, and he hasn't done anything so stupid since, but is terable at standing up to his mum. MIL also commented on the kids rear faceing car seats literally every time we saw them for years (we RF until 3.5&4), so whatever her issue is with car safety, it's a recurring theme.

OP posts:
Onlyjams · 05/08/2024 16:46

I wouldn't even overlook once, it only takes one accident. They just wouldn't be getting in their car unless she adheres to the law! For contrast both sets of grandparents here own their own car seats based on what we own and never thought to do otherwise.

Mrsjayy · 05/08/2024 16:48

Surely the seats would be in her car ? If she was taking them out. They are your kids trust her or don't what does their son say ?

DragonCatcher · 05/08/2024 16:50

If she's suggesting it to your face then she absolutely won't be using car seats when you aren't around. I would definitely not trust her/them alone I'm afraid, as extreme as that sounds.

Original poster
Sprogonthetyne · 05/08/2024 16:52

Onlyjams · 05/08/2024 16:46

I wouldn't even overlook once, it only takes one accident. They just wouldn't be getting in their car unless she adheres to the law! For contrast both sets of grandparents here own their own car seats based on what we own and never thought to do otherwise.

The kids never got in the car without, what I meant was if she had asked once, then accepting it when I said no, it would have been fine.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 05/08/2024 16:55

Is she likely to take them anywhere if she's asking about car seats at their ages it doesn't sound like she takes them anywhere anyway so it's all hypothetical.

Original poster
Sprogonthetyne · 05/08/2024 17:00

Mrsjayy · 05/08/2024 16:48

Surely the seats would be in her car ? If she was taking them out. They are your kids trust her or don't what does their son say ?

I definitely wouldn't hand them over without putting the seats in the car. What I'm worried about is if DH dropped them of at there house, and she said something like "leave the seats in the garage, I'll sort it before we go out", I'm not sure he would insist on actually putting them in the car, and I'm not sure she would if we weren't there to see.

They live a bit of a drive away, so we only see them every month or two, so far we've always just met up with the kids, but they've been hinting about wanting to take the kids out or for overnight themselves. DH is in favour of this and I'm not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sprogonthetyne · 05/08/2024 17:03

Mrsjayy · 05/08/2024 16:55

Is she likely to take them anywhere if she's asking about car seats at their ages it doesn't sound like she takes them anywhere anyway so it's all hypothetical.

She hasn't had them before but would like to. She has other grandchildren, then oldest is 10, so definitely should be familiar with carseats. She just seems weirdly against them

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 05/08/2024 17:04

If you don't trust them just go with your husband and tell him why.

Maray1967 · 05/08/2024 17:04

Ours are much older (24 & 16) and we didn’t know to rear face after about 1, but we had the question once from MIL about whether the car seat was necessary on a short journey - I think DS1 was 2 or 3. Before I could open my mouth DH dealt it with firmly and made it clear it was non negotiable. It was never asked again.

If your DH is a wet lettuce where his mum is concerned, you’re going to have to deal with this yourself. My PIL have mostly been very good at understanding that practice has changed. In fact MIL made it clear that her knowledge would be out of date and I should ask the mw or HV. If I’d had PIL who insisted that their way was the best , we would have had an interesting relationship, shall we say - as I would have stood my ground every time.

openforall · 05/08/2024 17:34

Buy her some car seats that are easy to install and remove

She will have no choice

Namenamchange · 05/08/2024 17:40

Surely you say, Mil do you have a problem with children being kept safe int he car? I just don't understand why you keep mentioning it?

bilbodog · 05/08/2024 17:42

I just dont get this at all - i am looking forward to becoming a grandmother in october but i wouldn't dream of taking my grandchild out without correct car seats and dont intend to nag my daughter to let me have my grandchildren overnight! If, in due course, grandchildren want to stay with me a few times and my daughter is happy for this to take place i will be delighted to help.

ive done my own childcare and havent forgotten the sleepless nights. Certainly not going to go back to that at 67……..

kiwiane · 05/08/2024 17:44

Mine were like this and given the chance they carried all of their grandchildren in the back, sharing seat belts. Trust your instincts!

Nanny0gg · 05/08/2024 17:49

Sprogonthetyne · 05/08/2024 17:03

She hasn't had them before but would like to. She has other grandchildren, then oldest is 10, so definitely should be familiar with carseats. She just seems weirdly against them

Show quote history

Ask the other siblings whether she uses the seats or not

Outwiththenorm · 05/08/2024 18:01

Hold firm. My MIL tried to convince us to go a 40 mile taxi journey with our newborn on my lap (‘But it’s legal’ - which is apparently is in some countries but hell no!).

pbdr · 05/08/2024 18:05

I wouldn't even consider letting them take my kids in the car unsupervised. My in laws are dismissive about car safety, and so have never had my nearly 3 year old in their car. My parents are fully on board with keeping my daughter as safe as humanly possible in the car, and have their own extended rear facing car seat in their car, are pros at installing and correctly buckling it. They regularly take her out in their car and I know I can trust them to keep her safe. It's just not worth taking the risk.

Jadeleigh196 · 05/08/2024 18:07

Given her track record I would just have to make sure she never takes the kids out in the car on her own, even if you're looking for a night off it's not worth the risk! My PIL are similar, kept asking why I was still rear facing our daughter (from as early as 18 months old they were questioning it!!) and not making her straps tight enough when they'd go to set off with her. Fortunately I've hammered the car seat safety thing in enough now that they are pretty good. Worst part is that FIL is a fire fighter 🤦

marshlellow · 05/08/2024 18:08

She is no longer allowed to look after your children unsupervised

LiterallyOnFire · 05/08/2024 18:11

Have you and or your DH tried sitting down with her and talking about how incredibly serious it is?

Give her one chance to grasp what current regs are before you bring down the shutters. Maybe your BIL & SIL aren't so strict in following the rules and she doesn't realise what the current law actually is?

Original poster
Sprogonthetyne · 05/08/2024 18:12

openforall · 05/08/2024 17:34

Buy her some car seats that are easy to install and remove

She will have no choice

If the kids start going with them, it would be a few times a year, so even if we got them seats, they wouldn't be kept in the car all the time. They'd get put into the garage, then it would be even easier to 'not be able to find them' or 'forget to get them out'.

OP posts:
Edenmum2 · 05/08/2024 18:12

So tell your husband to always make sure he puts the seats in their car if he is ever in that specific scenario.

MumChp · 05/08/2024 18:14

Sprogonthetyne · 05/08/2024 18:12

If the kids start going with them, it would be a few times a year, so even if we got them seats, they wouldn't be kept in the car all the time. They'd get put into the garage, then it would be even easier to 'not be able to find them' or 'forget to get them out'.

Show quote history

If anyone announced that about my children and car safery they would be reduced to supervised contact.
Game over.

Original poster
Sprogonthetyne · 05/08/2024 18:18

LiterallyOnFire · 05/08/2024 18:11

Have you and or your DH tried sitting down with her and talking about how incredibly serious it is?

Give her one chance to grasp what current regs are before you bring down the shutters. Maybe your BIL & SIL aren't so strict in following the rules and she doesn't realise what the current law actually is?

BIL & SIL are more relaxed in other areas, so it wouldn't surprise me. But we have told her several time and it's not that hard to understand.

OP posts:
Laiste · 05/08/2024 18:49

If you don't trust them then that's that i'm afraid. Like in a marriage. There's no rebuilding trust in my book.

You'll never trust them to tell the truth that they will/did use the car seats if you yourself or husband aren't there to witness/enforce it.

How you deal with that is a) never leave the kids with them, b) tell them straight you don't want them taking the kids out. Or both.

SplitSecondd · 05/08/2024 19:20

I'm not sure he would insist on actually putting them in the car

Well that's just ridiculous. When either yourself or your DH drops them, you install the car seats and that's that. Issue resolved.