Grandparents & carseats

[Sprogonthetyne]

Just spent the weekend with PIL and on 3 occasions MIL ask if the DC (7&4) could travel without car seats. Once I'd probably over look, but the fact she kept asking makes it feel less like she didn't know, and more like she was trying to pressure us into not using them.

WIBU to not want her to take the children out alone because of this? Im worried that if I wasn't there to insist, she just wouldn't use them, but I'll be framed as crazy overprotective mum if I raise this.

For background, when the oldest was a few months old, she persuaded 'D'H into driving home from a family meet up I wasn't at with him Forwad faceing. DH & I had very strong words about this when I found out, and he hasn't done anything so stupid since, but is terable at standing up to his mum. MIL also commented on the kids rear faceing car seats literally every time we saw them for years (we RF until 3.5&4), so whatever her issue is with car safety, it's a recurring theme.

I wouldn’t let them have unsupervised access.

I wouldn't leave them without putting the seats in. It's easy to frame it as making sure they are correctly installed. You can say they are a bit tricky.

However, if you don't trust her with safety in general then I wouldn't want to leave the children overnight. Although they are old enough to tell you things at least. My 5 year old would definitely say if she'd been allowed to go in a car without a car seat!

I completely agree with you @Sprogonthetyne 👍🏻 Asking once could be just her getting the most up to date info from you. Asking again and again is just pushing it. My DC wouldn’t be left there alone if I could t trust them.

My MIL and my FIL & SMIL are incredibly opinionated on child safety. MIL constantly ridicules me for having DS (3.5) rear facing. He should be on a booster seat in the front so he can see the world apparently. I’m also ridiculed by them all for cutting grapes/not allowing popcorn/not leaving my 3.5 year old unattended in the bath/not leaving him unattended in a completely unenclosed garden next to a busy road 🙄🙄

None of them do have or will have unsupervised contact with my child.

Your DH needs to step up here too. MIL shouldn’t be asking multiple times without him shutting her down! He needs to stand up to her.

It’s the law that they have to be in some type of car seat. Until certain height or weight. Can’t remember. I had a very tall kid and had to keep moving him out of car seats I didn’t want to because his head reached the top. Meant we struggled to go anywhere as he wasn’t able to hold own head up properly.
it’s a non negotiable for you and if you don’t trust them then no driving anywhere with kids

She is of a different generation. She's probably thinking "sure how did I rear mine back in the day". They don't understand that roads are so much more dangerous than they were 30 / 40 years ago, and that serious car accidents are much more common. My MIL has a carseat but refuses to use it rear facing.... "sure they can't see out the window rear facing" 🙄 stand firm! And get DH on board too!

Have just became grandparents in January this year! I have the same carseat in my car as my daughter has in hers, baby is rear facing and I can swivel seat to face me to take her out!
As a matter of fact I was offered a car seat which was pre used and I said no, I would only use from new as I couldnt be 100% sure it wasnt in an accident!
Stick to ur guns car safety is paramount!

Best make sure to teach your children that they never get in a car without a car seat until you say it's ok and that includes nanny and grandad.
Build their confidence up to be able to say no to anyone that compromises their safety.

My parents drove us around with no seatbelts. It was the 70s/80s so not uncommon I guess. I caught my father using a booster seat positioned behind the child's back rather than sitting him on it. Bizarre. With your MIL unfortunately you'll need to tackle her as she LL probably ignore your DH in any case. Otherwise she doesn't get the kids.

7 & 4 is old enough for your kids to insist on car seats. My 4yo would refuse to sit I a car without his seat. When he asks why he needs them I've always said because I love you and want to keep you safe.

If MIL tried to get them in the car and the kids said "we need seats to keep us safe" surely she'd not turn round and so no?

If you can't trust her at all then you shouldn't be sending your kids. Equally you should trust your husband loves your kids enough to insist on installing the car seats in her car.

I'm pretty confident the kids would ask where the car seats are. The older one is use to taking his booster on to school transport, despite othe kids not using them (it a taxi so legal, but to safe in my opinion).

The confidence thing, I'm not sure about. If they asked and MIL fobbed them off with "you'll be fine/ you don't need them", I'm not sure if they would stand up against an adult and refuse to get in, nor should they have to.

I agree - my MIL and FIL shouted at me that I was being silly when I had to take my week-old DD back to hospital and said she’d be fine on Grandma’s knee. That was a NO from me. It’s the law for a reason.

This - my MIL and FIL were in their 60s when my DD was born and took the attitude that their three DC had been fine without car seats, eating whole grapes at 7 months old, rolling around the floor with large boisterous dogs before they could walk. I had to stick to my guns.

Be careful about quoting "the law" to DGP as unexpected short journeys are allowed without a car seat in the eyes of the law. They might look it up and not bother with seats at all, even if you buy them some.

Refuse this.

If she persists about the car seats, ask her what part of "It's illegal because it's extremely dangerous" she doesn't understand.

It really aggravates me that the generation do that. My in laws are the same try to make me feel stupid for stating the facts that they need them and safety etc. once saw my MIL front face a baby carrier I nearly dropped to the floor.
only advice stand your ground I always do

Do you have a group family chat? If so, find some terrifying clips or interviews with A&E surgeons on the consequences of not using them. I'd say, "I know I might sound like I'm an over protective mum, but once you've seen these, I'm not risking anything." If you're met with the "well back in our day....." you just say well our children, our rules. Absolutely not worth the risk x

It's the law, not just preference.

Unexpected, necessary and over a short distance.

It's supposed to cover something like when you see someone getting absolutely drenched at the bus stop and offer them a lift or when a child needs to be taken to A&E or their train was cancelled and they have no other way to get home.

Not grandparents going on a day out with car seats available in their garage!

At 7 and 4 it's illegal to have them not in car seats whatever your in-laws think. I'd say no, you will just worry they whole time they are away. I used to be a car seat fitter and people used to drag relatives in so I could back them up.

If you're in the UK, it's the law that children (I think it's under 12) have to be carried in age/size appropriate car seats. Traffic police are very hot on this and Grandma could find herself with a hefty fine!

Sometimes a video that is hard hitting helps… if you can get her to agree to watching.

Rearfacing versus forward facing :

No car seat for child:

It is safest to rear face until at least 6 if possible as until then the bones in their spine haven’t properly fused together/developed enough to withstand a crash in a forward facing seat. There are lots of extended rear facing seats available that harness rearfacing up to 25 or 36kg. However, the law is severely lacking in terms of car seat safety and the law is merely what is legal rather than safe. A lot of people trust the law to keep their child safe without knowing the dangers! Some legal car seats (team tex) with the white straps only are tested to a crash speed of 30mph and the straps are known to break upon impact at a higher speed collision. Yet the government/law allows this seats to be sold! If anyone is interested there is a brilliant Facebook group called Extended Rear Facing (ERF) Car Safety that you can join.

This is literally the difference between life and death and a hill I would absolutely die on there is 0 tolerance when it comes to the lives of my children and I would be blunt in asking if they could live with themselves if they killed your kids because of their ignorance and old fashioned outdated beliefs .
Tell your husband the same thing you won't allow them to have the children because you don't trust them to keep them safe nor do you trust him to stand up for your children's safety and if he won't you will !

My folks are ancient. In the 70’s/80’s there were no seat belts in the back as I recall and don’t get me started on parents friends drink driving!

Despite that they’ve always used childseats for grandkids as recognise advice changes, this is common sense and now a legal requirement. Can they not figure out how to fit or something?

The husband put their newborn forward facing because he was too spineless to stand up to his mother so yeah I don't think his kids safety is a priority over his mother . God forbid they had been in an accident on the way home