Grandparents & carseats

[Sprogonthetyne]

Just spent the weekend with PIL and on 3 occasions MIL ask if the DC (7&4) could travel without car seats. Once I'd probably over look, but the fact she kept asking makes it feel less like she didn't know, and more like she was trying to pressure us into not using them.

WIBU to not want her to take the children out alone because of this? Im worried that if I wasn't there to insist, she just wouldn't use them, but I'll be framed as crazy overprotective mum if I raise this.

For background, when the oldest was a few months old, she persuaded 'D'H into driving home from a family meet up I wasn't at with him Forwad faceing. DH & I had very strong words about this when I found out, and he hasn't done anything so stupid since, but is terable at standing up to his mum. MIL also commented on the kids rear faceing car seats literally every time we saw them for years (we RF until 3.5&4), so whatever her issue is with car safety, it's a recurring theme.

It’s not extreme, overprotective parenting or an over reaction by you OP.

My BIL, in his 30 year career as a firefighter, has had to cover up dead children in the middle of the road when they’ve gone through the windscreen at 60mph (that’s 2 cars going at 30 which some idiots think is slow) because they aren’t in car seats.

The driver winging “Oh we were ongoing going up the road. I thought they’d be ok.”

My mil is similar. We just stuck to our guns when kids were still rear facing even though I know she thought it was all ott. We just made sure we put the seats in the car for her each time. She always complained the rear facing seats hurt her back until I asked her why she was sitting in them 🤣 (she was being ridiculous as the kids could climb in unaided and the seats were put in her car by us so all she had to do was strap them in which she’d still have had to do if they were forward facing or even without a seat). She used to keep the straps much too loose too and try to persuade the kids that they’d be better off forward facing. I’d forgotten how much it boiled my piss actually!

Unthinkable.

Can we please accept that it is NOTHING to do with being a different generation?

It's to do with being stupid.

I am 70. My friends are all of a similar age. They ALL use proper car seats for their grandchildren and have followed the law as it's changed. In fact I was adamant that I was still using a booster in my car till my DGC were exactly at the right height to do without

And as most of us still drive, believe me we know better than you do how the roads have changed in the 50 years since we passed our tests!

Car seats. Especially at 7(!) are very much a new thing. And car seat/booster seat recommendations vary widely between provinces and countries.

so I’d give some grace. You are probably being overprotective. Our nephew is 8, and STILL in a car seat. By weight he will have his learners permit before he sizes out of them. At some point it looks a little crazy.

overall it’s Your decision. Your kids. Your rules. but you need to understand a balance if you’re using grandparents for child care - they are not employees. Sounds like these are just visits, why don’t they want to visit with you and partner? Very strange.

i wouldn’t leave my kids alone with MIL at that age as she says some highly sexist things, and they don’t need to hear that! She’s not old enough to get a pass on that. Everyone has their line and their thing.

any maybe talk to you hubby. Sounds like you might be bullying him a bit on this topic. If he’s a pushover for his mother… just saying, he might be for you too. I doubt he wouldn’t force the issue if he cared.

Car seats might vary between provinces and countries, but they are a legal requirement in the country we're in (England), and have been for 20 years. Many other countries are stricter then here, not more relaxed.

God I feel angry on your behalf….your instincts sound bang on that they are not trustworthy. I have been in a similar situation and just politely avoided such situations with my children. You are not being unreasonable.

I don't let my MIL keep my kids without one of us around. I just can't trust her to be safe. She is always bragging about how she raised her kids, which was basically being insanely unsafe, and it definitely had some bad consequences. Sometimes you just have to say no for the sake of your kids.

I'm wondering how on earth you RF until 4??? My 4 year old legs would be on my parcel shelf, literally! But not to not using a car seat ever

Well said! I sometimes wonder quite how old some people think grandparents are! I don't yet have any grandchildren but I have adult children so I'm definitely old enough to be a grandma and many of my friends are. We had our children in the late 90s mostly, and whilst that was a different millenium it wasn't actually the dark ages and we did have carseats. Technology has improved of course and seats are better now but the basic principles haven't changed dramatically. By the time I had my second child in the early noughties there was already plenty of talk about rear facing for longer. You couldn't buy extended rear facing seats in this country but I was certainly aware of the evidence that it was safer and was required for longer in other countries so I kept my babies in their rear facing infant carriers for as long as possible. Then they stayed in 5 point harnesses til they wouldn't fit and in high back boosters til they were around 10 or 11 as they were quite small. The law has been tightened up more recently and probably will be further, but much of what is now law was already recommended much earlier. It's true I was probably more cautious than average for the time but certainly not unique and lots of my friends held similar views. It's nonsense to say that carseats are a new idea or that "the older generation" don't understand these things. Age is absolutely not an excuse for not maintaining current safety standards and breaking the law.
OP this would be completely non negotiable for me. If you can't trust your ILs to obey the law and put your children in a suitable carseat for every journey then you can't trust them to look after them at all. You are neither crazy nor over protective.

My in-laws are both 82. FIL still drives (very safely) but he wouldn't be confident at his age driving our 4 year-old. We agree that this is a sensible decision.
On the other side of the age range... my son is 17 but absolutely won't drive his sister (unless in a dire emergency) for a good number of years yet.
But I categorically know that both understand that a child car seat is absolutely essential.

Mine usually bent their legs a little, kind of like the kid in this photo. The seat is also deeper so their feet didn't even get to the end of the seat until about 3. If they had tried they probably could have kicked the parcel shelf, but they would be in pretty uncomfortable position, so never bothered.

I think this needs a proper sit down conversation with them, led by your DH, rather than multiple micro conversations in which no one comes away with any clarity.

My pil were the same.

I don't think the problem is with car seats, their problems are with their daughter in law. It's an authority/respect situation.

You buy a car seat which is designed for very tall leggy Swedish children, because Sweden uses the same car seat regulations as the rest of Europe but has a cultural norm supporting rear facing up to age 4. The seats are designed with leg room and to fit an older child comfortably. Example photo.

You don't try to rear face a 4 year old in a larger version of the baby seat you get with the pushchair

Haha thanks for the info. Hes in a booster seat now with a back and hes very happy but will bare this in mind IF any surprises happen in the future

Yes that's also a good option at four. Just useful to know the different things that are out there really.