Sister is having fals3 memories...

[ALittleAlarmed]

...to be worried.

I mentioned to my sister about something that I did last week. She elaborated on this with a whole story, "oh yes, when you told me, I mentioned it to another relative, and I think she went there deliberately to try to bump into you..." The only thing is, I never told her I was even going there! We hadn't chatted for a couple of weeks. Sister's dp was sitting there, I got a bit of a shock, and I didn't say anything.

When I am thinking back, I feel some of the things she has said in the past have been a little distorted, saying in conversation "oh when you said you liked this...", and I have replied saying, "that wasn't me", and she has gotten surprised, stating that she was absolutely sure I had. In the past she has gotten very easily offended, petty even, thinking she has sent cards when she hasn't, annoyed with me etc. I am now thinking has her behaviour been this way, because she has a distorted version of events.

I have thought in the past it was just slip ups, which everyone makes occasionally. Only, it felt like a piece of a jigsaw this time; it was a full false memory.

Can this all be attributed to stress, or tiredness? It is concerning me because my friend who has epilepsy, and is on strong medication doesn't do any of this. My sister does suffer from depression, and is possibly on medication for this. She says she isn't a great sleeper as well, often waking early in the morning.

Dsis works fulltime, is intelligent, has her brain challenged regularly, and keeps busy. She is 40.

Is all of this normal? I'm now beginning to question her version of events, and recollection when she tells me things.

I don't really know what to do, if anything. Do I mention this to dm, her dp, to see if they have noticed anything. I wouldn't want to go behind her back. If I mention it to her, she may get upset, and offended.

Does anybody have experience of this?

Thank you, I will do that. I am so scared to go behind her back, but at the same time I wouldn't want to upset her. I don't know if depression and tiredness could cause this. DM said last week that Dsis spent an entire day in bed recently. However on the other hand, she loves to socialise, make plans, and go out for meals, etc.

My sister does this all the time. She is a massive narcissist and she reinvents history to give herself a bigger role in it. Speaking to her, you'd think she'd been to Glastonbury and to raves and that she'd dated a whole bunch of my friends - she hasn't. It was me who did all those things, but in her head, it's her. It's really weird and feels like she just thinks she's entitled to my identity but I try and ignore it.

Why are you saying she has false memories? Sounds more like she’s telling lies, which is her prerogative but it’d make me think twice about believing or sharing things with her.

Thank you, the false memory did seem to give her a bigger role. However, at the same time it didn't seem deliberate. She will mention the places I have travelled for instance, and how she would like to go there. She doesn't show off about anything, and will give compliments etc.

It wasn't a lie, there would have been no reason for it. When adding what happened with other occurrences I am starting to think that dsis may have a MH condition. I am worried.

My sister does this too. She even will tell my stories as her own. I think her memory is just really shit. So when she thinks something she wants to tell me, she accidentally remembers telling me regardless of if it happened or not.

My sister is intelligent, capable and perfectly lovely. Just something about the way she remembers stuff gets muddled.

First thing. Can you have a quiet word with her partner.
If s phe has any medical symptoms he will be seeing this as well, and more frequently. You can be quite casual but express some mild concern re sister.

if he’s not noticed, ok there’s a chance he’s just not that observant, but anything serious it will have at least gone through his head, even if he’s not done anything about it. Men aren’t great on getting their partner to seek help.

if he has noticed, then gently suggest he keeps a “diary” somewhere discreet for a few weeks, then makes a Gp appointment and shows and asks for what to do. GP will most likely say cant discuss and get her to make appointment, but if partner can show a sufficient frequency they could talk about a test . particularly if they mention family history.

id also start to keep your own diary of events. They’re extremely useful to look back on to see if things are getting worse, improving or patterns of tiredness. Stress etc. they’re extremely useful to medical teams if it comes to this.

if partner isn’t noticing anything, even after you’ve raised, in a few months time, and it isn’t getting worse, it is most likely sleep or medication and nothing serious.

don’t start to raise it with her, and challenge unless she’s saying so,etching outrageous or hurtful. Just watch and wait. You can, if annoyed by something she claims, throw in the classic “recollections may differ “

I'd be concerned too and would be thinking like you, that maybe it could be medication related or even an undiagnosed medical issue.

I'm not sure how your relationship is but I'd try and probe her a little more and gently suggest she has a check over at the GP about it.

ALittleAlarmed

My daughter has a completely different perception / memory to actual reality and often thinks her dreams are true too and will be adamant things happened that didnt

Shes on the neuro pathway for ADHD and autism.

Yes in the past she seemed to exaggerate situations, easily offended. We have always put it down to her being a little petty. However, she has been deeply hurt by the injustices she has believed that have happened. She has had differing, slightly distorted recollections in the past, but this seems to have worsened. Sometimes Dsis's memory is good, and she is kind, and has a good heart. I don't believe it to be manipulation. I really do not know what is going on here

That is interesting that you mention that. Dsis does have OCD, and a fussiness about things, which our family, and dsis herself will laugh about

Spending a full day in bed could well be burn out. I'm not a proffesional, I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2023 and diagnosed with autism a few weeks ago,

Some of the things you have mentioned sound very similar to me and my DD

I have Fibromyalgia, and one of the symptoms is brain fog. I often think I've told my partner something and actually I've thought 'oh I must tell DP about that delivery coming tomorrow'

Luckily it's not been anything important for me or anything that's impacted anyone else, but it does freak me out when it happens

I don't think it's exactly deliberate with my sister either. She will claim she was at the middle of some event that I know she wasn't at - because I was there - and will look me in the eye when saying it. Narcissists construct their own version of reality, and believe it.

I have ADHD. I often forget things that DID happen, but I don't 'remember' things that didn't happen. I know it can present differently in different people, but I don't think what the OP is describing sounds ADHD related to me.

Do you think she might have inattentive adhd? Inattentive adhd is a busy mind rather than a busy body and we tend to day dream. I have realised when older I have tended to mix up memories with my thoughts. I had a brain scan and all was ok - I have just gotten over tired during periods of poor memory

I have now read your post she has ocd. We have a lot of ocd in our family including me. It is a mental health issue and a response to dealing with stress / anxiety. Also often comes with a neurodiversity. I suspect she is an over thinker and is mixing her memories up with her thoughts.

Your sister needs medical help. It may have been a personality trait thing that has predisposed her to an illness. Try to see it as an illness that needs help, even if you suspect that the relationship may become rocky for a while. Try to get others on board too so that when you question your own experience you have the experiences of others to bolster you. You are starting from a place of love and care. Undiagnosed dementia took my mum away too early, partly because it amplified some very difficult aspects of her personality, but left her sounding clear and sharp as a button when she felt under attack. Peri-menopause can have big effects on women's brains (our perception of the world at least)- really worth gently persuading your sister to get things checked out - and i hope you/ she finds a wise and kind doctor.

I have a cousin that tells lies all the time. From putting himself in stories that he wasn't in, to exaggerating and twisting past events, to more damaging gossip or saying somebody did or said something that they didn't. Weirdly, he's actually a really nice bloke that goes out of his way to help others. It catches people off guard at first, but once you've known him a while then you realise he has a complicated relationship with the truth.

I don't know why he does it. He had a traumatic event happen in early childhood, so I think that might have led to some sort of mental break with reality. I understand your hesitancy to label your sister as a liar, but people are complicated. They can be good in some ways but then lacking in others.

100% tell them to get it checked out, hopefully nothing to worry about but if it is something serious catching it early makes a difference

This sounds like confabulation. My DH does it. Adding details that aren't true, thinking something was said that absolutely wasn't. It's like his brain just decides to add detail, it's not deliberate lying, it's generally not malicious or an attempt to skew something in his favour, he believes something is a fact that just isn't! It's weird. If i point out to him "You are saying you were told XYZ, I was there, that isn't what was said, you've added stuff" He genuinely looks confused. I have to explain that to others it looks like lying or bullshitting and he needs to correct what's he's just put out there into the world and admit he is mistaken. He really believes what's coming out of his mouth. His brain somehow just adds things etc and he isnt even aware its a fiction.

"Confabulation

In psychology, confabulation is a memory error consisting of the production of fabricated, distorted, or misinterpreted memories about oneself or the world. It is generally associated with certain types of brain damage or a specific subset of dementias"

My sister does this. I'm appreciating everyone's gentle suggestions but my sister's just a raging bullshitter, she's done it all her life. For want of a more detailed explanation, she likes to control every narrative even if she has to make one up.

She's recently gone no-contact with me which, after the initial hurt and shock, is quite a relief.

@ALittleAlarmed many many people tell lies for all sorts of reasons. I’d not automatically assume she had a mental health condition just because she tells lies.

I’d definitely find out if she is on any unusual medications and talk with other members of your family/ even suss it out with her to see if she ever finds she’s confused- there’s so many things it could be, could be as people say medication, tiredness etc But she also might be confused and something in her brain might be firing a bit wrong. Hope ye all get sorted, she’s lucky to have a sister like you on her side x

Same (apart from the no-contact thing, which I'd welcome but it would upset my mum). It's nothing to do with false memories, it's just common-or-garden lies, which is obviously far more likely than false memory syndrome anyway.

My mum seems to do this, usually talking about things that happened a few years ago, not really recent things. She will change certain things within the scenario, or add things onto the story that never happened. Not sure if she's just got an overactive imagination or something but she will often bring up things that happened that I was part of and totally change it and won't have it when I correct her.

I have a friend like that. Nothing to do with illness or conditions, it’s just the way she is. She just has a fertile imagination and her “daydreams” become her reality. She has been called out on it on various occasions but has never changed. We just accept it as part of her and call her out on it when it goes too far!

It does sound potentially concerning, but I don't see what this

my friend who has epilepsy, and is on strong medication doesn't do any of this

has to do with anything.

If your sister doesn't have epilepsy and isn't on the same drugs it's no more relevant than the behaviour of your greengrocer who has hayfever, or your great uncle with gout. All medical conditions are different, all drugs have different side effects - you can't extrapolate from one to another.