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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Holiday between death & funeral

55 replies

Lipstickonteeth · 04/08/2024 21:29

My elderly DF died just over 2 weeks ago (DM died years ago). Not entirely unexpected as had been ill for years but went downhill rapidly at the end. While sad, it was also something of a relief as he has had no quality of life for a long time. We had a longstanding holiday booked for 2 weeks after he died. Obviously I would not have gone had he not passed by the time we were due to go but as it was, we were able to arrange the funeral for a few days after we return, so flew out a couple of days ago. My siblings were happy for us to go, the arrangements have been made and I'm contactable should they need me. I also know DF would've wanted us to go. It's also unlikely insurance would've paid out had we cancelled as pre-existing illness.

Today, I was chatting to a friend on WhatsApp and she mentioned she had bumped into a woman we both know from the school run. Woman was apparently unimpressed I'd gone off on holiday so soon after my DF's death. While I'm friendly with her, she's not a close friend and she doesn't know DF, my family or the full circumstances of his illness & death. She would've learnt about the death and subsequent holiday from social media. My friend explained the circumstances above but they obviously made no difference as I see she's deleted me from social media!

While I don't really care what a virtual stranger thinks of me, I'm still upset at being judged and now worry how people I do care about might be judging me! I'm also wondering how to react to this woman when I next see her, likely not until September in the playground.

NB. my decision has not really delayed the funeral at all as they're typically at least 3 weeks after the death anyway round here.

OP posts:
billyt · 04/08/2024 21:30

I went on holiday between my mother dying and her funeral. Didn't give it a single thought that I wouldn't.

loobylou10 · 04/08/2024 21:31

Sorry for your loss Flowers. As for her - ignore. How dare she be such a judgy bitch. I'd never acknowledge her again.

courtyardofhope · 04/08/2024 21:34

Don't give her a single thought
I think it is a good way to pass this tricky time
I hope you are able to enjoy it
Lots of love to you

Twolittleloves · 04/08/2024 21:35

Some people will always judge, but you've not offended anyone who matters.
We had a holiday booked (center parcs and 45 mins away so abit different in that sense I guess, but still a holiday) afew weeks after my dad died, and it fell in between his death and the funeral.
A part of me did feel bad going, but DD was looking forward to it (she was 4 and not that close to my dad so to her life was still feeling fairly normal) and it cost fair bit of money which we wouldn't have got back, so we went and kept in touch every day with my mum, and I asked a friend to look in on her during the week.

It's not like your missing the funeral! That I would understand people thinking was not right, or if it was someone who was not 'elderly' so was more of a tragic death, with the additional heartache and shock that would bring.

toomanydiets · 04/08/2024 21:35

I also went away between death and funeral of my mum. Death was unexpected, holiday was pre booked and with very close friends who were happy to support me in my shell shocked state. Funeral couldn't have been sooner even if I'd cancelled and family was supportive of me going. It helped enormously. Without trying to be mean, fuck this virtual stranger and do you, we all cope our own way. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Drigante · 04/08/2024 21:36

I think in your friend's position I might not have passed this on. There's nothing you can do about it at the moment, try to put it out of your mind. I'm sorry for your loss.

FluffyLemonClouds · 04/08/2024 21:36

If you cancelled your holiday it would not have changed a thing or achieved anything. Life goes on , the world turns . Im sorry for your loss OP.

Straightouttachelmsford · 04/08/2024 21:37

It's a really difficult time between death and funeral, being elsewhere would not be a bad thing at all. I think it's a bit like weddings, people will judge regardless of facts and feelings.

ByCupidStunt · 04/08/2024 21:37

I'm sorry for your loss OP and hope you have a restful holiday - you've got a lot to come back to probably so you'll need it.

Your friend shouldn't have told you this. There was absolutely no reason for her to repeat that to you - she's supposed to be consoling you and supporting you after the death of your father. Not shit-stirring.

Ottercave · 04/08/2024 21:38

I went on holiday between my mum’s death and her funeral.
I checked with my brother that it was ok and he was adamant that I went.
He pointed out that mum would have been so mad with me if I’d cancelled and he was right.

JudgeBurrito · 04/08/2024 21:38

You did the right thing IMO. I'm not sure why your friend felt the need to tell you what judgy acquaintance said, that wasn't particularly nice really.

Craftysue · 04/08/2024 21:38

My son went on a long planned holiday between losing his dad and the funeral. He did ask but it was a 3 week wait in-between. It's a horrible time and I was glad he went - he even proposed to his girlfriend! ( he'd been planning it for months)
Tell people to mind their own business - and have a good time!

Cosyblankets · 04/08/2024 21:40

When you go on holiday is none of their business
They don't know what you've been through
They're not you

NewName24 · 04/08/2024 21:40

YWNBU to go.

I wouldn't give her two minutes thought, and certainly wouldn't bring it up in September.

Aligirlbear · 04/08/2024 21:43

Sorry for your loss 💐

You have absolutely no need to justify or explain anything to this woman. When you bump into her just smile say hello and move on. If she comments specifically just smile again and remark what a lovely funeral it was for your DF.

Your immediate family were supportive of you and your family taking your holiday, and based on what you say your DF would have been ok with this as well so nothing at all to feel guilty about or fret over. The funeral arrangements have been sorted and there is nothing else to do for the moment.

The holiday will also give you some time to process the inevitable complex feelings : it’s very sad to lose your DF but in reality sounds like it was a blessing and you can have some quality down time with your family. Be kind to yourself and take some quiet time while you are away. There will be plenty to organise and get sorted once the funeral has taken place.

mitogoshi · 04/08/2024 21:44

Perfectly fine, in fact I would say it is a good thing to do, why sit at home basically waiting???

Years ago funerals were within the week, you spent the time making arrangements and often clearing property as rented needs to be handed over quickly. Now they are typically 4 weeks for a variety of reasons, so most people do carry on with life, often returning to work between the necessary paperwork.

KrumPot · 04/08/2024 21:44

ByCupidStunt · 04/08/2024 21:37

I'm sorry for your loss OP and hope you have a restful holiday - you've got a lot to come back to probably so you'll need it.

Your friend shouldn't have told you this. There was absolutely no reason for her to repeat that to you - she's supposed to be consoling you and supporting you after the death of your father. Not shit-stirring.

Agree with this. Your friend should not have told you this when you're just bereaved.
I'm sorry for your loss

Ponoka7 · 04/08/2024 21:45

Your friend shouldn't have passed that on. There'll always be someone judging something that is absolutely nothing to do with them and isn't actually doing anyone any harm. If you had been an only child and your other elderly parent needed you, I could see her point. But as it stands there was no reason for you to cancel.

YellowphantGrey · 04/08/2024 21:45

I'm sorry for your loss.

She sounds like a right dick. At least her deleting you has saved you a job. I'd ignore her and leave it.

You've done nothing wrong. Going on holiday hasn't affected anything. Whether you're at home or on holiday, you're grieving.

ajandjjmum · 04/08/2024 21:47

We did the same OP, and whilst DH and the DC were off skiing, I was listening to hymns and planning the funeral. In touch with my brother constantly, who totally supported our decision. I suppose the important thing was that I know if I'd expressed any hesitation, the holiday would have been cancelled without question.

Sorry for your loss. Flowers

Epicaricacy · 04/08/2024 21:47

Woman was apparently unimpressed I'd gone off on holiday so soon after my DF's death.

WTF does it have to do with her?

These people need to get a life and do their own thing instead of spending so much time gossiping in details about your life 😂

All the arrangements are planned, do whatever you want! Sorry for your loss, ignore the idiots.

wonderstuff · 04/08/2024 21:48

We went on holiday between death and funeral of DBIL, we had the opportunity and it was a welcome break. I have in the past arranged a relatives funeral later to allow other family members to attend after a holiday. Pay no attention to this person, some people are desperate for an opportunity to be offended by something. Hope you had a lovely holiday. I would ignore this woman when possible and just be civil. I'd also be a little wary of the 'friend' who was so keen to tell you of the upset. Flowers

MrsMoastyToasty · 04/08/2024 21:50

I went on holiday abroad and left DH behind when MIL died. To be honest there wasn't much I could do as DH is one of 4 siblings and between them they had everything covered. DH was insistent that I went and I made sure I called him regularly. I was only away for 3 days.

EsmeSusanOgg · 04/08/2024 21:51

My DF (still going, but frail) has a heart attack just over a decade ago, just before my brother and I were due to fly out to Thailand to visit a friend and have a holiday.

From ICU, he demanded we still go on holiday and promise to send elephant pictures. Though we did have plans to fly back/ call if things took a turn for the worst with our mum (though my dad would have grumbled had he known). It was very much his wishes that we still holiday.

If something similar happened now, which given his health is a possibility, he would be upset if we stopped a holiday - especially for our little kids who he adores, because of him.

YANBU. She does not know your family dynamic and it is quite rude to make assumptions about your DF's wishes without knowing him or you.

kindletimeisfinetime · 04/08/2024 22:00

Well I must be a real shit as I've done it twice as both my parents (5 yrs apart) died at the beginning of the summer holidays. I went away 5 days after my dad died and it was what I needed and what he wanted.