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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Holiday between death & funeral

55 replies

Lipstickonteeth · 04/08/2024 21:29

My elderly DF died just over 2 weeks ago (DM died years ago). Not entirely unexpected as had been ill for years but went downhill rapidly at the end. While sad, it was also something of a relief as he has had no quality of life for a long time. We had a longstanding holiday booked for 2 weeks after he died. Obviously I would not have gone had he not passed by the time we were due to go but as it was, we were able to arrange the funeral for a few days after we return, so flew out a couple of days ago. My siblings were happy for us to go, the arrangements have been made and I'm contactable should they need me. I also know DF would've wanted us to go. It's also unlikely insurance would've paid out had we cancelled as pre-existing illness.

Today, I was chatting to a friend on WhatsApp and she mentioned she had bumped into a woman we both know from the school run. Woman was apparently unimpressed I'd gone off on holiday so soon after my DF's death. While I'm friendly with her, she's not a close friend and she doesn't know DF, my family or the full circumstances of his illness & death. She would've learnt about the death and subsequent holiday from social media. My friend explained the circumstances above but they obviously made no difference as I see she's deleted me from social media!

While I don't really care what a virtual stranger thinks of me, I'm still upset at being judged and now worry how people I do care about might be judging me! I'm also wondering how to react to this woman when I next see her, likely not until September in the playground.

NB. my decision has not really delayed the funeral at all as they're typically at least 3 weeks after the death anyway round here.

OP posts:
allbymysel · 05/08/2024 00:18

My mother died from an awful illness it was sad and a relief at the same time . I had an expensive night out booked with friends. I decided to go I'd been looking forward to it as I rarely go out. It was nice to let off a bit of steam and focus on something less awful.

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 05/08/2024 00:24

I’m very sorry for your loss which you must deal with your way.
The woman you speak of sounds horribly judgmental. I suggest telling her to fluff off. Focus your attention on your family, that’s what your parents would want.

OpizpuHeuvHiyo · 05/08/2024 00:27

You don't need judgemental people in your life. Anyone who is judgey about this is quite welcome to fuck off. You are fine. You manage your grief in the way that works for you, and if that includes sticking to planned holidays that's fine. One of my friends whose dad was in the process of dying and not expected to last more than a month went on their long-booked family holiday for a week within that month and that was totally the rigt decision for her and her family. Going on holiday doesn't mean yoi don't care.

The "friend" who took delight in relaying all this to you is a shitstirer and probably not a good friend (though might be a good friend with low understanding of tact)

Maddy70 · 05/08/2024 00:29

Wtf does it have to do with a virtual stranger and why are you giving them headspace?

Go on holiday. Get the break you Need and deserve

Have a great holiday. Have funand everytime you smile think of him ;)

GingersOwner26 · 05/08/2024 01:05

Whether or not you go on holiday has got absolutely jack shit to do with some muppet from the school run. You were not unreasonable to choose to go.

I always had kind of a distant relationship with my dad (Hanna and her father on Pretty Little Liars is the closest I can come to describing it) - he died right before I had plans to spend a weekend at a family birthday party for my cousin's two year old son (my parents had long since split up, that cousin is on Mum's side of the family and hadn't seen Dad since he was about 11, Dad had never been going to the party, so the party was always still going ahead). There are probably some out there who would judge me for still going to the party, but again, jack shit to do with such people. Yes, I could have sat at home instead, yes, I could have argued that the two year old wouldn't have remembered later on that I had missed his party. But the party did me a lot more good than sitting at home would have done, it was never going to cause me to miss the funeral (the arrangements of which were being covered by others anyway).

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