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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder if “friend” is right and people are judging me (disability)

166 replies

Redgreenfroggy · 04/08/2024 05:13

This has been on my mind all night and I can’t sleep

in a nut shell I have epilepsy, was diagnosed at 21, had to give up work for a year while I got to grips with the seizures that were never controlled dispite different treatments, medications etc.

I managed to go back to work after a year. 6 years later after having about 2 years of pain I was dignosed with fibromyalgia. The symptoms of this aggravated my epilepsy such as tiredness and pain and I ended up having up to 20 seizures a week, some grand mal and some small.

2 years ago I gave up work as my fibro was bad and I was still having up to 20 seizures a week and went on esa and pip. I was spending the time I was not working sleeping or crying in pain. I was not able to do things with my son and DH. DH was taking full responsibility for the house dispite working full time (he never complained). It just got to a point where I was either working, sleeping, recovering from seizures or in terrible pain. Work was becoming impossible and they were making moves to get rid of me on health grounds as I was having so much time off.

Now I am still having as many seizures and am in pain but I do manage to do some house work and get out and about with my husband and little boy. I feel removing work from the equation means I am less tired and not in as much pain. When I increase my levels of doing stuff the pain gets worse so I need to plan that if I am really busy one day the next day I am likely to be wiped out the next day or even a couple of days. I also seem to get more intense seizures with the pain and tiredness increase that take longer to recover from.

A friend came round today that I have known since high school and to tell you the truth if we met now we would not be friends as we have very little in common. She asked when I would be going back to work. I said at the moment I have no plans to but in the future maybe. She then said everyone judges me behind my back. My DH who overheard asked her who is judging me, when she did not name anyone he asked if she judged me. When she said yes DH asked her to leave.

As she left she said that I was the clever one at school and it should be me with the big house in a posh area instead of her and it’s a shame my son has to live on a half council estate. (Our area is about half council and half privately owned). My husband said she was a nasty bitch and i am worth a million of her. She was then out the door and my husband slammed it behind her. I will never talk to her again. Her husband is a friend of my DHs unfortunately but he said he is willing to let the friendship go if he has to same stupid opinions as his wife.

I am not worried those people I think of as friends are judging me. I don’t have any joint friends with her. My husband said my real friends will never judge but I just feel like I have had the wind taken out of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redgreenfroggy · 04/08/2024 05:16

For example we went to London with friends a few weeks ago and I had to miss a day and a half and stay at the hotel. Me and DH also tended to get back to the hotel earlier then everyone else. everyone said they were ok with and expected it. But now I am so they think I am just lazy

OP posts:
MoosesOnGooses · 04/08/2024 05:18

People will judge, everyone and everything regardless of situation. It’s not personal, it’s human nature.

Anyone who says “I don’t judge” is lying.

You’ve just got to do what’s right for you and get rid of any toxic people in your life.

Original poster
Redgreenfroggy · 04/08/2024 05:19

To clarify I meant judge me because I am not working and can’t do as much as other people

OP posts:
pinkfondu · 04/08/2024 05:22

How nice to hear of a supportive DH for a change.

She clearly has no clue or real understanding of what you have been through

Sweetteaplease · 04/08/2024 05:23

Well it sounds you have a genuine reason not to work so who cares what anyone thinks. And good on your DH for telling her where to go

Original poster
Redgreenfroggy · 04/08/2024 05:24

My DH proposed a week after I was diagnosed. He said he knew he wanted to marry me and want me to know he was with me for the long haul. He drives me mad at times and he can be a bit messy but he is a keeper

OP posts:
WindowFrogs · 04/08/2024 05:27

Sorry this woman was so nasty and judgemental to you, I'm glad she is out of your life. Your DH sounds brilliantly supportive of you and that is a lovely thing.

Mama2many73 · 04/08/2024 05:34

Morning! It's daft o'clock for worries isn't it!!
Are people aware of your epilepsy/ fibromyalgia? If so I can't believe anyone would be judging you or thinking you're lazy?! I'm thinking how amazing you are to be dealing with everything on your plate!! The friends you went to London with seem to think the same, understanding and emapthy as to why you might need more rest etc .

You obviously were the smarter one at school cos your 'friend 'is as thick as pig shit and ignorant to boot!! Do not dwell on her words for another second.

On a positive note can I say what an amazing man you DH is!! He is there 100% for you and will fight off anyone coming at you!! That level of love is wonderful to see. X x

( I wonder how toxic she is in her own relationships!?)

Original poster
Redgreenfroggy · 04/08/2024 05:38

Yep people know. I have that many seizures I can really keep it a secret.

OP posts:
Vettrianofan · 04/08/2024 05:41

Good riddance. 👍 No friends judge like that.

Newnamehiwhodis · 04/08/2024 05:41

How awful. And what a gem you have in your husband.
that is just so horrible, and hurtful. You have nothing to be judged about - there is nothing. She’s a spiteful, horrible person.

Lovingsummers · 04/08/2024 05:44

With friends like that, who needs enemies? I don't agree with the PP that people do judge. I'd never judge. It's not like it's in your control. You and DH are working with your circumstances as best you can. Your DH is right. Your real friends won't judge and will understand.

A large number of people are not very accommodating of disability, it is true. They aren't your people.

Original poster
Redgreenfroggy · 04/08/2024 05:46

She did once say when I was pregnant and nearly due that she could not believe I managed to get pregnant with everything that is wrong with me and was I worried my baby would be born abnormal.

She cant get pregnant and her DH and her have chosen to accept it and not do anything further. My DH saids she wanted to look into it further and look at IVF but her DH was not bothered. At the time I put it down to being upset about her infertility.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redgreenfroggy · 04/08/2024 05:47

Sorry posted too soon

so my DH thinks she is very bitter about me have a child.

OP posts:
Chaosx3x · 04/08/2024 05:47

She sounds like a fuckin tool. You’re well rid of her. Don’t worry about it.

Newmumatlast · 04/08/2024 05:47

Redgreenfroggy · 04/08/2024 05:13

This has been on my mind all night and I can’t sleep

in a nut shell I have epilepsy, was diagnosed at 21, had to give up work for a year while I got to grips with the seizures that were never controlled dispite different treatments, medications etc.

I managed to go back to work after a year. 6 years later after having about 2 years of pain I was dignosed with fibromyalgia. The symptoms of this aggravated my epilepsy such as tiredness and pain and I ended up having up to 20 seizures a week, some grand mal and some small.

2 years ago I gave up work as my fibro was bad and I was still having up to 20 seizures a week and went on esa and pip. I was spending the time I was not working sleeping or crying in pain. I was not able to do things with my son and DH. DH was taking full responsibility for the house dispite working full time (he never complained). It just got to a point where I was either working, sleeping, recovering from seizures or in terrible pain. Work was becoming impossible and they were making moves to get rid of me on health grounds as I was having so much time off.

Now I am still having as many seizures and am in pain but I do manage to do some house work and get out and about with my husband and little boy. I feel removing work from the equation means I am less tired and not in as much pain. When I increase my levels of doing stuff the pain gets worse so I need to plan that if I am really busy one day the next day I am likely to be wiped out the next day or even a couple of days. I also seem to get more intense seizures with the pain and tiredness increase that take longer to recover from.

A friend came round today that I have known since high school and to tell you the truth if we met now we would not be friends as we have very little in common. She asked when I would be going back to work. I said at the moment I have no plans to but in the future maybe. She then said everyone judges me behind my back. My DH who overheard asked her who is judging me, when she did not name anyone he asked if she judged me. When she said yes DH asked her to leave.

As she left she said that I was the clever one at school and it should be me with the big house in a posh area instead of her and it’s a shame my son has to live on a half council estate. (Our area is about half council and half privately owned). My husband said she was a nasty bitch and i am worth a million of her. She was then out the door and my husband slammed it behind her. I will never talk to her again. Her husband is a friend of my DHs unfortunately but he said he is willing to let the friendship go if he has to same stupid opinions as his wife.

I am not worried those people I think of as friends are judging me. I don’t have any joint friends with her. My husband said my real friends will never judge but I just feel like I have had the wind taken out of me.

Your husband is right, she is a nasty bitch and anyone else who thinks like her is too. You clearly have a great husband and that's worth a million awful 'friends'

coffeeaddict83 · 04/08/2024 05:52

What a nasty piece of work she is, no loss there. And well done to your DH for calling her out and having your back, in this and in life.

Not that you need any of our validation but you have 2 serious health conditions and have prioritised keeping the little strength you have for family life. That's far more important to your DS than living in a big house or seeing you struggle to work.

She likely gossips about everyone to stir. I expect there is maybe one other bitch, which is her idea of validation that "someone needs to tell her" - no way everyone would think this of someone in your situation with your conditions. Well she's got herself a story now from your DH - wonder how she will spin this one! Maybe get ahead and tell anyone who's opinion you care about the true version of events. Her nastiness also needs to be outed to warn others as she won't just be bitching about you.

It's human nature to judge, however it's also human decency to keep your opinions to yourself where they are unkind and unhelpful. I behave as a decent person even though I admit I sometimes make unkind judgements - but I keep them in my head. I have a friend in a similar situation to you and sometimes I have caught myself make a judgement about how she deals with her family/home but then remind myself I only see the better days and don't experience her reality which is clearly tough. But I NEVER say anything to her, or bitch about it behind her back. I don't envy that she doesn't work which it sounds like this stupid woman does.

In short you are well rid. And it is lovely to hear how quickly and effectively your DH dealt with it!

Olivie12 · 04/08/2024 05:54

Don't worry about it. Your true friends wouldn't judge you; opposite, would feel compassion for you for being so young and having such illnesses. Anyone who knows of those illnesses would know that it would be very hard to have a steady job.

I have a friend who has chronic issues after an accident, she's still young and won't ever be able to work full time, only minimal part time. I'd never judge her, she's been through enough and only wish she can find happiness despite her circumstances. However, this same friend told me other of her friends were jealous and judgy after the accident. She gave up those bad "friendships".

WhatAboutTheCats · 04/08/2024 05:57

I'm in a similar boat OP, I can't work because of a health condition but often find myself telling people I don't work because I'm a SAHM which is also true but the not working pre-dates the kids.

As someone who has also been through the trials and tribulations of infertility I would say your husband is pretty spot on. I was very sure not to say anything openly but I did end up holding onto a lot of resentment for my friends with children - entirely my own issue of course and nothing to do with their characters. It sounds like your friend is unable to let go of that bitterness and is taking it out on you. Can't help but feel a bit sorry for her but she's definitely not someone you want in your life if she's going to act like this and be so hurtful with her words.

Also, intelligence at school has very little to do with your likelihood to get a big house in a 'nice' area in my experience!

NoisyDenimShaker · 04/08/2024 06:15

Wow, she sounds horrible!

And she also sounds very jealous. Why else would she throw her big house in your face?

You must have something (or things) that she wishes she had and feels entitled to. It's interesting that she said you were the clever one at school.

No wonder you feel winded. That was a very unpleasant scene. Poor you! Just think how nasty you have to be to attack someone who has health issues like that. I'm actually really shocked. She has done you a massive favour, though. You never have to see her again as long as you live.

Go and do something nice for yourself. Internet-stranger hugs to you xxxx

DaisysChains · 04/08/2024 06:19

I agree that people do judge, that’s human nature, they come to conclusions influenced by their experiences, world-view and personality.

You’ve judged that she may have hurt leading to jealousy and a wish to lash out and make you hurt.

You’ve judged from a place of wanting to understand her, which imo is a positive place.

From what you’ve posted she’s perhaps judged from a place of wanting to deflect her hurt onto you which is a destructive place to start from.

You don’t know how your other friends have judged you - it could be a positive understanding of how hard things are for you so I’d try not to dwell on it.

What others’ think of us might come to light someday, and it could be very hurtful - but it also has a good chance of being very caring.

Your husband sounds supportive, and you sound like you know your health capabilities and limitations and are making the best of it.

Worrying about what other people think is hard to let go of being also just human nature, but having the positive view that her judgement is more born of her own circumstances than yours is the best you can do.

The notion that people can leap from incapable of work to capable without some intervening stage of increased recovery is ludicrous, as is that intelligence should somehow have protected you from epilepsy or fibromyalgia Confused

msbevvy · 04/08/2024 06:20

What a nasty piece of work. She may be jealous of you being able to have a child but her behaviour was inexcusable.

I have fibromyalgia and am also a full time carer for my DH. If I hadn't been a carer I would have found it very difficult to hold down a "proper" job due to the fluctuations in my condition. It makes me very unreliable and I have to keep cancelling and changing plans because because of flare ups. As it is my poor DH sometimes has to wait hours to be fed and washed if I am having a bad day but he is very understanding.

I can imagine how hard life must be for you when you add epilepsy and a small child into the mix. Anyone who judges you for not working is an ignorant idiot who doesn't deserve your friendship.

Your DH sounds wonderful. Save your good days for him and your child not some theoretical job that this "friend" thinks you should have.

thelonelyones · 04/08/2024 06:22

This reply has been deleted

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SummerTimeIsTheBest · 04/08/2024 06:29

Redgreenfroggy · 04/08/2024 05:47

Sorry posted too soon

so my DH thinks she is very bitter about me have a child.

That’s exactly it. As soon as I read it I knew it and then you did a second post. Jealousy is a terrible thing but it’s not excuse. Just because she can’t get pregnant there’s no excuse for her behaviour.

I’ve got epilepsy and I’m pretty sure some people judge me. I just have to let it go because the people closest to me know how it affects me. I’m also wiped out (and sometimes injured) following a seizure, so if I have to cancel something then that’s just the way it goes 🤷‍♀️

Surprisedmystified · 04/08/2024 06:45

You and your DH know your true situation regarding you health. You are the ones that live with it and you are the ones that know how to manage your lives around it. No one else knows and no one else has the right to interfere or judge .

Who does that person think she is? It is none of her business. She is not a friend.

Your DH sounds wonderful. With his support you are living the best life you can. You both know that and no one else's opinion matters.