To wonder if “friend” is right and people are judging me (disability)

[Redgreenfroggy]

This has been on my mind all night and I can’t sleep

in a nut shell I have epilepsy, was diagnosed at 21, had to give up work for a year while I got to grips with the seizures that were never controlled dispite different treatments, medications etc.

I managed to go back to work after a year. 6 years later after having about 2 years of pain I was dignosed with fibromyalgia. The symptoms of this aggravated my epilepsy such as tiredness and pain and I ended up having up to 20 seizures a week, some grand mal and some small.

2 years ago I gave up work as my fibro was bad and I was still having up to 20 seizures a week and went on esa and pip. I was spending the time I was not working sleeping or crying in pain. I was not able to do things with my son and DH. DH was taking full responsibility for the house dispite working full time (he never complained). It just got to a point where I was either working, sleeping, recovering from seizures or in terrible pain. Work was becoming impossible and they were making moves to get rid of me on health grounds as I was having so much time off.

Now I am still having as many seizures and am in pain but I do manage to do some house work and get out and about with my husband and little boy. I feel removing work from the equation means I am less tired and not in as much pain. When I increase my levels of doing stuff the pain gets worse so I need to plan that if I am really busy one day the next day I am likely to be wiped out the next day or even a couple of days. I also seem to get more intense seizures with the pain and tiredness increase that take longer to recover from.

A friend came round today that I have known since high school and to tell you the truth if we met now we would not be friends as we have very little in common. She asked when I would be going back to work. I said at the moment I have no plans to but in the future maybe. She then said everyone judges me behind my back. My DH who overheard asked her who is judging me, when she did not name anyone he asked if she judged me. When she said yes DH asked her to leave.

As she left she said that I was the clever one at school and it should be me with the big house in a posh area instead of her and it’s a shame my son has to live on a half council estate. (Our area is about half council and half privately owned). My husband said she was a nasty bitch and i am worth a million of her. She was then out the door and my husband slammed it behind her. I will never talk to her again. Her husband is a friend of my DHs unfortunately but he said he is willing to let the friendship go if he has to same stupid opinions as his wife.

I am not worried those people I think of as friends are judging me. I don’t have any joint friends with her. My husband said my real friends will never judge but I just feel like I have had the wind taken out of me.

That poster has posted almost the same thing three times. They haven't responded to any counter arguments. It's quite clear that they are posting their own thoughts, which are ableist and ignorant. It's also pretty obvious that they're doing it to cause upset. This isn't someone thoughtfully giving their opinion about what the OPs friends are thinking, is it.

Your 'friend' is jealous. Your dh sounds like a keeper, her dh may not be that nice behind the closed doors of their fancy house.

Real friends don't judge this kind of stuff. I'm sorry that they haven't found the right medication for you.

Nutshell

She doesn't sound like a nice person at all OP.

I think people do judge, yes, whether they mean to or not. But real friends will try to understand and be kind.
I'm also on PIP and had to leave work due to health reasons, and I hate how so many people instantly see me as either work shy or lazy.

Hold your head up high, OP, you've done nothing wrong.

He/she is sharing an alternative view, in what is otherwise an echo chamber thread.
OP specifically asked if we thought others might be judging her.
The thread has essentially turned into a character assassination of her friend, which, strictly speaking, isn’t what OP asked about. She asked if others would share the same view.

OP specifically asked if we thought others might be judging her.
The thread has essentially turned into a character assassination of her friend, which, strictly speaking, isn’t what OP asked about. She asked if others would share the same view.

I read the OP differently, I must say. Either way, it stands to reason that of course some people will judge the OP. People will have different opinions on what they believe to be factual, or what makes sense to them, as they see it.

OP, i think you must be a very lovely person, to attract such love and devotion from your husband. It sounds as if your real friends are also very supportive and understanding, and that is because you are giving them love and support in return.On the whole , people don’t choose their partners and friends out of some sort of martyr complex, they choose them because they are kind and loving people.

That’s what your ex friend can’t grasp, and why she probably has few friends herself.

Sadly, some people do judge when it comes to illness/disability. But they see your good days, and not the days you are struggling and recovering.

What makes your friend vile in all of this was that she vocalised her thoughts on your situation, when she really should have kept them to herself.

This is such a weird and pointless discussion we are having. Didn't know you were the judge of 'how to respond to an aibu thread'. I have learnt, oh wise one.

OP, I just want to say that you and your husband are amazing people and your boy is lucky with such parents. No amount of good health could make up for the team the two of you make.

Your "friend" is an asshole. I agree with your husband's assesment. She is likely very unhappy and, since misery loves company, wants you to be miserable too.

You description of your marriage brought tears to my eyes. Ignore the shitty "friend". I hope you have some better friends than her or will have soon. I also hope you health willl improve in time. But take care of yourself, because you deserve it.

She sounds consumed with jealousy. What a horrible woman and what a disgusting way to treat you. Your husband is a good chap and I'm glad he told her to sling her hook. She's no loss and this is not about you, it's all about her and her jealously and insecurity. Vile. Don't give it another thought!

In my opinion it's only her, possibly her husband listens to her bang on but I'm not sure he agrees.
She's jealous of you not working ... tell her you will swap places with her.

Your husband is worth his weight in gold stepping in like that.
I've a good man here too but unfortunately he'd rather avoid any conflict with others and never stands up for me.

I had 9 seizures in London. Including 4 grand mal
One in the morning when I had to stay in for the day. Plus my fibro was awful
One when out and about that meant my husband had to bring me back to the hotel at about midday
2 when I was back at the hotel in the evening
Is that enough for you?

I did not see the comment about the women who works for a disability charity. But I can guess what she said. I actually worked for a disability charity for 6 years. None the staff had an attitude like you thank goodness. What the hell are you doing working for one?

You have both fibromyalgia and epilepsy. Both of these conditions on their own would have the ability to have an major impact on your life day to day and could stop you working in the normal 9-5 Monday to Friday job. With both conditions your physically not able to work. The reality is that you were in work. You realised that working was making you worse and your employer was beginning to manage you out. You then had to apply for the various disability payments you are entitled to.

You are doing what's best for your own health at the moment and trying to go places and do things without making things worse for you health wise.

Your so called friend then called around and asked when were you going back to work and you said not at the moment. She then made the comments she made. I have to say what a bitch. Most people would prefer to be in work and have more money than benefits provide.
I am sure your other friends see how your medical conditions effect you but are supportive. They make the effort to see and spend time with you.

I am glad you husband heard her and told her to get lost after what she said. My feeling is that she resented that you did better in school, probably had a better job and had a child before all this happened and she to make those comments to make her feel better.
The reality is that she showed her true colours and you don't need or want her in your life.
I tell all your friends about her behaviour and you might find out that other people have had similar or are pulling away from her because of this.

Life does not always go according to plan and sometimes you have to make the best of a situation until things improve or change things to make life easier for you. Hopefully in your situation you can get on to better medication that will ease the symptoms you currently have and give you a better quality of life.

Did someone make a dig about council houses? We actually own our house. I said we lived on a half council half privately owned and we own ours. I just did not think it was relevant to say if ours was or not

she isn’t a friend she is one of those people that like to make others feel bad about themselves they have no real friends

You have a lovely family a supportive husband and all muddling along the best you can in very challenging circumstances

as for judging yes some people will but you just have to ignore them and they will soon turn their internal bitterness elsewhere and be judging someone else

What a nasty piece if work she is! Nasty, mean and cruel. Kind, decent and dare I say normal people do not make pathetic judgements like that. They have empathy, understanding and goodness. Your husband sounds absolutely delightful and gets the Mumsnet Husband of the Year Award! 🥇 Please don’t let her abysmal behaviour get to you. I have family and friends with disabilities with some working and some who can’t. Never once do I judge them but in fact admire them for doing their best despite the trying circumstances.

Well your husband is a gem.

fuck her

and take no heed. She obviously has no idea about epilepsy or anything else
and has a huge fat nose and no compassion

You're well rid of a friend like that. Only stupid, uneducated ignorant people would judge your situation.

I'd not be worried about losing sleep or friendship with someone so dim.

You have serious medical conditions which prevents you from working. It's not lazy at all. And if your amazing husband doesn't mind you not working, what's it got to do with anyone else? Absolutely nothing. It's not as if you're asking your friend for handouts, so it's nothing to do with her either.

I think you have a wonderful supportive husband. Please tell him so.

I was just reacting to you calling the poster a troll. You don’t need to be sarcastic and stroppy!

Disability discrimination is rife. It's normalised in society and some do t even hide it. Especially if you have a hidden disability.

People will resent you aren't slaving away at a job 50 hours a week and you get castigated for claiming the social security you are entitled to.

Ignore them but be wary they are everywhere.

I had a very situation with a ‘friend’ and had to cut her off. People like this are not your friend. I’m disabled in severe chronic pain and a single parent to a four year old. Because of my pain, I cannot work - despite wanting to. I live in a council flat and have to rely on benefits to due to my situation. My ‘friend’ would always snear her nose up at me and make snide comments about my situation. She would tell me I’m not exercising enough (I’m in severe pain and I’m a size 4/6 so it’s not like I’m overweight). She would tell me that people like me is why she pays so much tax and whilst I get to live the life I live she can’t. She would tell me that she works long hours and works hard whilst I get to ‘sit at home’. She would say the fact that I get to live in a home ‘paid’ for me whilst she cannot afford to move out of her parents (she can, she just spends her money on holidays, theatres, concerts, eating out, clothes etc). She would make other vile comments towards me, knowing full well how bad my chronic pain was and how badly I would love to work (I worked full time prior to my health declining and was thriving in the job). She made me feel awful every time I spoke to her, and it was like I was ashamed about who I was because she was ashamed of me. I cut her off, I wish I done it better and explained to her what an awful, evil human being she is - so she couldn’t do it to another friend. But instead I ‘ghosted’ her and my life is so much better. You don’t need people who put you down, or degrade who you are and the life you live. People like this obviously have so little worth in their own selves that they project onto other people.

@orangeleopard so glad you cut her off!! I imagine if she spent a week experiencing your levels of pain she'd be in shock.

I’m a little bit in love with your husband ❤️

No I wouldn't judge you at all. I dont underatand how anyone could judge another human for something that is in no way their fault. I would however completely judge your 'friend' for being nasty ans horrible