To wonder if “friend” is right and people are judging me (disability)

[Redgreenfroggy]

This has been on my mind all night and I can’t sleep

in a nut shell I have epilepsy, was diagnosed at 21, had to give up work for a year while I got to grips with the seizures that were never controlled dispite different treatments, medications etc.

I managed to go back to work after a year. 6 years later after having about 2 years of pain I was dignosed with fibromyalgia. The symptoms of this aggravated my epilepsy such as tiredness and pain and I ended up having up to 20 seizures a week, some grand mal and some small.

2 years ago I gave up work as my fibro was bad and I was still having up to 20 seizures a week and went on esa and pip. I was spending the time I was not working sleeping or crying in pain. I was not able to do things with my son and DH. DH was taking full responsibility for the house dispite working full time (he never complained). It just got to a point where I was either working, sleeping, recovering from seizures or in terrible pain. Work was becoming impossible and they were making moves to get rid of me on health grounds as I was having so much time off.

Now I am still having as many seizures and am in pain but I do manage to do some house work and get out and about with my husband and little boy. I feel removing work from the equation means I am less tired and not in as much pain. When I increase my levels of doing stuff the pain gets worse so I need to plan that if I am really busy one day the next day I am likely to be wiped out the next day or even a couple of days. I also seem to get more intense seizures with the pain and tiredness increase that take longer to recover from.

A friend came round today that I have known since high school and to tell you the truth if we met now we would not be friends as we have very little in common. She asked when I would be going back to work. I said at the moment I have no plans to but in the future maybe. She then said everyone judges me behind my back. My DH who overheard asked her who is judging me, when she did not name anyone he asked if she judged me. When she said yes DH asked her to leave.

As she left she said that I was the clever one at school and it should be me with the big house in a posh area instead of her and it’s a shame my son has to live on a half council estate. (Our area is about half council and half privately owned). My husband said she was a nasty bitch and i am worth a million of her. She was then out the door and my husband slammed it behind her. I will never talk to her again. Her husband is a friend of my DHs unfortunately but he said he is willing to let the friendship go if he has to same stupid opinions as his wife.

I am not worried those people I think of as friends are judging me. I don’t have any joint friends with her. My husband said my real friends will never judge but I just feel like I have had the wind taken out of me.

🙄🙄 You're a troll aren't you.

Your dh is a gem.

Your frenemy is a - I cannot bring myself to say what I think of her, even if she is suffering from her infertility. You owe her nothing.

Idiots judge, yes. Idiots who know nothing about disability and have not the imagination nor compassion to put themselves in another's shoes for a few minutes. You are not responsible for their prejudices, nor for the idiocy that they spout as a result of their prejudice. That's their problem, not yours.

People who matter to you will not judge you for something you cannot change.

(((Hugs)))

well I think you are half right.. I judge people who go and riot and loot but there is NO WAY I would ever judge someone with a disability

Wow. What a nasty post. I would have thought that having mutual issues yourself you would understand that not all illnesses manifest in the same way.
My son has severe mental health problems and cannot work and a lot of people think he is lazy inc!uding his own brother but they haven't seen the full effects of his illness do these people sre best ignored.

OP why have you kept her as a friend? She sounds like a completely nasty person who takes her own frustrations out on you.

What a disgusting attitude to have,especially working with disabled people,you should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself as you clearly have no empathy whatsoever and should not be working in the role you have,unbelievably nasty.

What a nasty, spiteful woman. Who in their right mind would even think that, let alone say it?

I am sure having either fibro or epilepsy is greatly challenging, let alone both, and I sympathise OP. Your DH sounds great though and a wonderful support.

I'm sorry you had to be on the receiving end of her utterly callous comments.

@thelonelyones I can only conclude you're thick as fuck. I hope your employers identify you and sack your moronic ass.

@Lose6pounds do you realise your post came across as judging? It reads as though you're implying the OP is making it all up? I hope you're not inferring that. But if you are you belong in the same ableist bin as @thelonelyones

OP this arrangement clearly works for your family,you have a lovely, supportive Husband.Live your life and forget this so called friend.

Your DH is an absolute star!! And he's right. You're better off without 'friends' like that!

This woman was rude. It’s true some people may judge but if they do, they aren’t nice people and TBH, why does it matter what people think? Your real friends will know the truth.

Your husband on the other hand sounds fantastic.

Wow.

A close family member of mine has had to give up work due to their fibro. Some days they cannot lift their head from the pillow let alone contemplate doing a job. They're desperate to work and feel like they are "normal" but it's a very debilitating condition for them and no home or flexi working would solve that.

I doubt very much if most people who really know you, think you are lazy Redgreen. It is more likely that one (ex)friend suggested it and others said, "Mmmmm". I've witnessed that sort of conversation in which folk try and avoid any confrontation and take the easy route by being vague in their responses.

Good on your husband for sticking up for you and telling this person to leave. She is horrible! You don't need someone like that in your life.

I can understand how hurtfut that was. The person was obviously jealous of the younger you who was cleverer and brighter than most, no doubt her she has harboured resentment for years and couldn't hold it in any longer. Knowing how vulnerable you now are, she was well aware of the effect her words would have.

Please put her behind you, who wants a nasty, bitter individual with a loose tongue in their circle?

I have no difficulty in believing you have severe health problems, Redgreen. I had a very good friend who developed epilepsy at the age of 24. It is possible that it was the result of a car accident in which she was a passenger and sustained a severe head injury, aged nine. She was a lovely, lovely person and had terrible difficulty at work but she really did try hard, Her epilepsy was not controlled at all and there were frequent fits. She never married and had children in spite of being attractive and much admired by men (who often took advantage). I was extremely fond of her.

I am so sorry about your fibromyalgia, I know that is painful. I expect you are on drugs to try to stabilise your epilepsy, some of which may exacerbate your pain and often cause depression which of course exacerbates pain. Neurologists try this and that drug, it's all trial and error, the brain is still very much an unknown field.

You are a trier, Redgreen and you have achieved more than many with your own home, marriage and a child. Good on you.

Take good care of yourself.

Wow, what a revolting woman. I doubt anyone else judges you, but fuck them if they do.
Your husband though, what a guy!

The work thing is a red herring - of course you shouldn't work if you're too unwell, she can fuck off.

What she might be judging as well, though, is you having a child that you're unable to look after or be left alone with for long periods, and that you conceived that child post-diagnosis. If she's struggling with infertility, and feels that she and her DH can provide a fantastic childhood, she's likely bitter that you've had a child in less-than-ideal circumstances when she can't have one.

I wouldn't be friends with her though - fine to think that, but incredibly awful to say to someone that is meant to be your friend. And the work comment was just her being a shit.

What she might be judging as well, though, is you having a child that you're unable to look after or be left alone with for long periods, and that you conceived that child post-diagnosis. If she's struggling with infertility, and feels that she and her DH can provide a fantastic childhood, she's likely bitter that you've had a child in less-than-ideal circumstances when she can't have one.

That may well be the case, but it is the OP, and her Husband's choice to have had a child. The Husband would have been more than aware of the OP's condition. He is doing what he should be doing anyway, so I am not sure why he is being praised so much. People looking in, from the outside never really have any idea how challenging it can be living with a disability.

One thing I have learned since DH became disabled 12 years ago is that the situation for each person with a disability is completely different both physically and in their personal life. PP on here with disabilities openly judging should be ashamed of themselves. OP you need to do what works for you and your family. It is absolutely no one else’s business. Your DH is loving and supportive and that’s all that matters. Cut your ‘friend’ off and don’t give her another thought.

Why would she be a troll? She’s just quoting a book. OP has posted on AIBU, wanting genuine opinions. This poster is giving an opinion. It’s clearly not what OP will want to hear, but that’s the nature of AIBU. If you don’t want to know, don’t ask.

Your husband sounds like he's really got your back.

Your "friend" sounds like a nasty bitch, and you are definitely well shot of her.

You are being ridiculous.

It is had enough for someone who has no disabilities to work, let alone someone who is like the OP.

Also, some illnesses become worse with stress, which is what is happening in the OP's case.

You are lucky that you are able to work. The OP has tried and cannot.

She’s petty for judging you. Doesn’t sound like she is much of a friend and I don’t know why she is making you feel bad but highlighting what she thinks you should have. As long as you are happy with your life that is all that matters.

But what's her opinion? What would you take from that statement? She's clearly trying to insinuate that OP is 'making up' her epilepsy, isn't she.

And taking that further, she's also saying that anything 'in your mind' ie psychological is not believable.

If you think that's acceptable then....

Bloody hell. What exactly are you hoping to achieve with this post? Why are you judging someone for not working when their lack of work has zero impact on your life? What a thoroughly unpleasant attitude you have.

OP asked if we think she is being judged by others, as her friend has clearly judged her. She has then received 3 pages of affirmations, people telling her her friend is a nasty jealous bitch and no one should be judging her. But the fact remains that her friend has her opinion, and it’s quite possible others do too. The poster who sent the extract from the book was just giving a different perspective, one which others may have. As far as I can tell, that is precisely what the OP was asking - “will people be judging me?”.
She asked a question, she got answers.

It’s unfair to call people a troll if you don’t like the answer they give.