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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I messed my relationship up by raising my dissatisfaction

84 replies

Kingpongking · 03/08/2024 22:46

I’ve been dating a man for 4 months. We are dating exclusively and it seemed to be going well.

He has flown back to his home country for 5 weeks. It’s a stressful trip as he is sorting out some probate related stuff and dealing with some tricky family dynamics, plus has a lot of people to see.

He’s been there two weeks. He’s text and called every day, some days quite a lot which is lovely. However, in the last week, his communication has really just been him complaining about how stressed he is. None of the conversations have really been him engaging with me or taking an interest in what I’ve been doing.

I do get it, I really do. But the last straw for me was when he called yesterday. He said he’d call me at 10pm his time. He called me at 4am!

When he did finally call, he sounded so miserable and like he desperately didn’t want to be on the phone. He was irritable and kind of snappy with me. There was no warmth in his voice at all. I just got really upset and couldn’t hide in my voice that I felt put out. It really felt like he’d called out of obligation and had no interest in talking to me.

I messaged after to say I totally knew it wasn’t personal, but to please let me know if he was finding calling me to be an obligation and that his disposition on the phone had made me wonder if he was actually interested in continuing a relationship with me.

I know it’s always a no-no (especially on MN) to be needy, especially in a newer relationship but I was really at the end of my tether after a week of hearing no niceties at all and just being a dumping ground for his stress, with 3 more weeks of it to go.

He replied and said he did still want to be with me and everything was fine, and I definitely wasn’t an obligation, BUT while he totally understood my side, unfortunately he was giving was all he had in him right now and he was unlikely to be able to be any more engaging or cheerful any time soon.

That was last night and today I haven’t heard from him today at all 😔. Usually I hear from him a ton during the day. So now we’ve gone from very frequent albeit gloomy communication, to no communication at all. Which makes me feel like I really messed up last night by telling him I felt upset. I really should’ve been more understanding and just kept my mouth shut. I let a moment of insecurity ruin things and now I don’t get to hear from him at all. The worst thing is, now I look back and realise he had been making a lot of effort, despite his stress, and I let one bad conversation get to me and drove him away.

I am 45 years old and have been happily single for years, so I’m completely embarrassed that I’m even having to worry about such things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kingpongking · 03/08/2024 22:50

To add, I never asked him to keep in touch this much. I’ve taken my lead entirely from him but had been pleased he’d been in touch so much.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 03/08/2024 22:50

I don't think you did anything wrong. You are four months in, and he is away. It's perfectly valid to raise this. I think his response is a bit of a red flag tbh.

Frenchsplit · 03/08/2024 22:51

I couldn’t be arsed with this, and would bin him off. I want my relationship to be fun and positive. And no 4am angst

Sunsetbeachhouse · 03/08/2024 22:55

Op just send him a message asking him how he is.. or tell him you miss him as an ice breaker or send a funny relevant meme. Anything.. that's not needy.. Do it. Go do it now lol. He may or may not respond in the way you want and then you don't need to bombard but then at least you can say you make effort too to check in on him. Good luck , tell us how it goes.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/08/2024 22:56

I don't think you did anything wrong. He doesn't get to take out his stress on you, and it was fine to make that clear.

I wouldn't contact him but if he came back soon with a better attitude I would let it go - we all get shitty sometimes. But if he is sulking and waiting for you to regret what you said, nope.

Sunsetbeachhouse · 03/08/2024 23:00

bluejelly · 03/08/2024 22:50

I don't think you did anything wrong. You are four months in, and he is away. It's perfectly valid to raise this. I think his response is a bit of a red flag tbh.

Every human out there probably has some bad times or moments.. not everying is a red flag. Op didn't do anything wrong but it's OK to be there for someone too if you suspect things are too much for them. Obviously if his behaviour continued like this that's the red flag.

NotStayingIn · 03/08/2024 23:08

Why on earth did you even answer at 4am?!?!?

That just screams you are so desperate to talk to him, you’ll talk to him even if he calls you at an utterly flipping inconsiderate time.

voiceofastar · 03/08/2024 23:12

He’s sorting out probate, who has died?

Original poster
Kingpongking · 03/08/2024 23:13

NotStayingIn · 03/08/2024 23:08

Why on earth did you even answer at 4am?!?!?

That just screams you are so desperate to talk to him, you’ll talk to him even if he calls you at an utterly flipping inconsiderate time.

He’s overseas! His 4am was not my 4am.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/08/2024 23:13

NotStayingIn · 03/08/2024 23:08

Why on earth did you even answer at 4am?!?!?

That just screams you are so desperate to talk to him, you’ll talk to him even if he calls you at an utterly flipping inconsiderate time.

I would answer at 4am in case something was wrong.

Original poster
Kingpongking · 03/08/2024 23:16

voiceofastar · 03/08/2024 23:12

He’s sorting out probate, who has died?

And grandparent. But it was some time ago.

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 03/08/2024 23:19

You're walking on eggshells over a perfectly reasonable request.

I think you need to ditch the miserable git.

Screamingabdabz · 03/08/2024 23:25

If you’re compatible and mutually respectful, airing your frustrations are a way to learn and grow in relationships. I think you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of shit if you’re afraid to ever voice your views.

Original poster
Kingpongking · 03/08/2024 23:27

Screamingabdabz · 03/08/2024 23:25

If you’re compatible and mutually respectful, airing your frustrations are a way to learn and grow in relationships. I think you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of shit if you’re afraid to ever voice your views.

Thank you. I needed to hear this. This was the exact reason I didn’t let it lie. I didn’t want to just grit my teeth and pretend I was happy with being spoken to that way.

OP posts:
Ilovelifeverymuch · 03/08/2024 23:34

bluejelly · 03/08/2024 22:50

I don't think you did anything wrong. You are four months in, and he is away. It's perfectly valid to raise this. I think his response is a bit of a red flag tbh.

I'm sorry I think she being so needy and not understanding is a massive red flag. Your boyfriend is going through a tough time abroad and you're upset he isn't calling as much as you want that week?

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 03/08/2024 23:39

Time differences are not a new concept. It takes two seconds to check what time it is ‘back home’ and the only reason you call someone up at 4am is because something catastrophic has happened, not to have a whinge!
If he thinks calling you morning, noon and night to complain about his family is fine then he is being disrespectful.
Tell him he can moan for five minutes and then the conversation is moving on to other topics. See if he can manage that.

Original poster
Kingpongking · 03/08/2024 23:39

Ilovelifeverymuch · 03/08/2024 23:34

I'm sorry I think she being so needy and not understanding is a massive red flag. Your boyfriend is going through a tough time abroad and you're upset he isn't calling as much as you want that week?

Show quote history

That wasn’t what I said at all. I said I was upset that when he did call, he was extremely disengaged, and when he called last night, he was borderline rude to me throughout.

OP posts:
Thierrymugler · 03/08/2024 23:58

Nopeeeee. We need to stop this “I shouldn’t have said that” mumbo jumbo. You’re allowed to state if something makes you unhappy.

leeverarch · 04/08/2024 00:09

It doesn't really matter how much stress he is under, it doesn't give him the right to be moody and bad-tempered with you. You have exerted perfectly reasonable boundaries and expectations, and if he isn't even prepared to make an effort to be nice to you when the relationship is so new, then you really are wasting your time with him.

You've every right to expect him to be pleasant towards you, and you had every right to say so. You aren't messing the relationship up at all. The relationship is four months old, in the first flush when you are both supposed to be making a good impression. If he's like this so early on, imagine what he'd be like in a few years' time.

Original poster
Kingpongking · 04/08/2024 00:59

Well, he finally got in touch. It’s Sunday morning where he is.

He said he’d been pissed off by the fact I said I was upset when we spoke last. He said I knew he was going through a lot with his family, and he was annoyed that I didn’t just accept he was tired and stressed, and felt I was unreasonable to raise it.

He said going forward , while he was on his trip and dealing with the lawyers and family etc, he didn’t want to deal with emotional stuff like that from me, because he had too much going on.

He said also he didn’t want to feel he had to call me at the end of his day and pretend to be cheerful, when he was just tired and wanted to sleep.

I am fairly hurt by this response. I am basically hearing that he will not/cannot meet my emotional needs, but I must meet his.

I cannot even process whether I’m being wildly needy and unreasonable here, or if I’m being asked to put up and shut up? I’m failing to see what’s in it for me, really.

The whole irony of this is that my original concern had been that I felt I was an obligation to him, and he’s annoyed that I raised that concern, and has somehow therefore come full circle to confirm that by virtue of the fact I raised it, I have made myself an obligation.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 04/08/2024 01:07

Tbh, those sorts of conversations never go well on the phone, and long distance to boot.
Hes obviously stressed, you say you need support so are presumably stressed too, so I’d suggest backing off a bit , and either not contact him till he comes back, or keep it very light in the interim.

Frenchsplit · 04/08/2024 08:45

I don’t think YABU. Your instincts were right. And you can tell a lot about a person from how they are even things are difficult. I’d end it now before wasting any more time on someone who doesn’t value you enough. 💐

DaniMontyRae · 04/08/2024 08:49

People really should read better- he called her at 4am his time not her time.

Thingsthatgo · 04/08/2024 08:51

You've only been together 4 months. Did you know each other beforehand?
I would be tempted to say to him that I understood that he is having a tough time, and to get in touch when he's back and see how things are between you when he returns. It is such a new relationship it doesn't seem worse all the anguish.

User364837 · 04/08/2024 08:53

I think it’s fine.
Try not to overthink it.
you weren’t enjoying the calls. Sounded a bit like he wasn’t either. You didn’t want to hear him all negative and stressed (understandable), you expressed that. He is feeling negative and stressed right now so has cut back on the contact.
im sure it will all get back on track if it’s otherwise good, but maybe not a bad thing to have some space.

i would leave it a bit then message and say you’re thinking of him and sorry he’s having a stressful time and don’t want to add to it. But for him not to feel obliged to call regularly if he doesn’t feel like it, just let you know if he would like a catch up chat.

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