Have I messed my relationship up by raising my dissatisfaction

[Kingpongking]

I’ve been dating a man for 4 months. We are dating exclusively and it seemed to be going well.

He has flown back to his home country for 5 weeks. It’s a stressful trip as he is sorting out some probate related stuff and dealing with some tricky family dynamics, plus has a lot of people to see.

He’s been there two weeks. He’s text and called every day, some days quite a lot which is lovely. However, in the last week, his communication has really just been him complaining about how stressed he is. None of the conversations have really been him engaging with me or taking an interest in what I’ve been doing.

I do get it, I really do. But the last straw for me was when he called yesterday. He said he’d call me at 10pm his time. He called me at 4am!

When he did finally call, he sounded so miserable and like he desperately didn’t want to be on the phone. He was irritable and kind of snappy with me. There was no warmth in his voice at all. I just got really upset and couldn’t hide in my voice that I felt put out. It really felt like he’d called out of obligation and had no interest in talking to me.

I messaged after to say I totally knew it wasn’t personal, but to please let me know if he was finding calling me to be an obligation and that his disposition on the phone had made me wonder if he was actually interested in continuing a relationship with me.

I know it’s always a no-no (especially on MN) to be needy, especially in a newer relationship but I was really at the end of my tether after a week of hearing no niceties at all and just being a dumping ground for his stress, with 3 more weeks of it to go.

He replied and said he did still want to be with me and everything was fine, and I definitely wasn’t an obligation, BUT while he totally understood my side, unfortunately he was giving was all he had in him right now and he was unlikely to be able to be any more engaging or cheerful any time soon.

That was last night and today I haven’t heard from him today at all 😔. Usually I hear from him a ton during the day. So now we’ve gone from very frequent albeit gloomy communication, to no communication at all. Which makes me feel like I really messed up last night by telling him I felt upset. I really should’ve been more understanding and just kept my mouth shut. I let a moment of insecurity ruin things and now I don’t get to hear from him at all. The worst thing is, now I look back and realise he had been making a lot of effort, despite his stress, and I let one bad conversation get to me and drove him away.

I am 45 years old and have been happily single for years, so I’m completely embarrassed that I’m even having to worry about such things.

Sorry I didn’t see your update but I think at a time of extreme stress and overwhelm for him he is not being unreasonable. And you aren’t being unreasonable either.
maybe just pick things up when you’re back.
he doesn’t have it in him to meet your emotional needs right now.

That’s not in the original post I think so can’t really read something better that isn’t there. But will edit my post to clarify in case my response now makes others think it was 4am her time.

I think it’s just escalating because you aren’t physically together.

I don’t think either of you were being unreasonable. But at some point in any relationship if both people have “emotional needs” that can’t be simultaneously met, someone has to compromise. In this situation, I would suggest that you should as he’s dealing with family stuff, much of which you may not be aware of so early into a relationship.

Saying you feel let down he can’t meet your emotional needs when he’s away with family doing sad stuff is a bit of a red flag for him about you tbh. What about his emotional needs?

I think you need to take a breath, say you understand, and break the stalemate with a comedy gif or something.

Obvs if this becomes a pattern, sure it’s a red flag. But you are 4 months in. Try to be a bit empathetic and don’t minimise what he might be dealing with.

No, I agree with a PP, for me this does have red flag written all over it.

He's been emotionally dumping on you, OP to the extent of rudeness. Then when you point out that this isn't on, he goes quiet on you and then comes back eventually to tell you that you are wrong.

He's training you to not raise issues with him, because you are his emotional support appliance, and appliances are not meant to have needs too.

Think about how you would treat him if you were under the same stress. I'd bet lots of money you wouldn't be like he has been with you. It isn't needy to expect basic decency from someone. And this is still the start of the relationship, when he's the nicest he'll ever be.

At the very least, I'd suggest taking a break from the relationship until he gets back.

🚩

This *^

Set your boundaries now. You are bring used as a whipping boy for his issues abroad.

Imagine being that whipping boy if you stay together in the UK and he has issues of any kind in the future. Will he take it out on you??

Nah, too many red flags. 🚩🚩

Do a slow fade on him and for sure switch your phone off at night. There’s nothing you can do about an emergency abroad at 0400 anyway.

3/4 of MN has no idea how to actually communicate in a relationship. A quarter is the game playing type (don't look to keen bla , bla ,bla) and the other is the never complain,cool wife type(while quietly seething and taking it out on other posters here) and the last quarter is the so called "strong,independent" type that don't need anyone ever for anything and laugh at those who do.

None of them is a healthy way to start or be in a relationship.

You had an issue, you were straight forward, you put it out there. What's the worst that can happen? You split up. That's better than being in a relationship with someone where you're so afraid you'll lose him/scare him /whatever that you can never express any discontent, because there will always be "something ".

It's not neediness to want to know where you stand or to want to be slightly more than an emotional support animal.

While his behaviour is understandable somewhat , if he can't find it in him to consider your needs too ,however minimal , then history will repeat itself because shit happens in life.

FWIW, I don’t think you’re needy. I just don’t see what he’s done wrong beyond be stressed.

People don’t always act/feel perfect in a relationship. It’s up to you if you continue the relationship, but you’ve stated your needs, he’s stated his.

Very much agree with this.

Can you imagine the kick back if the roles were reversed? If she was abroad dealing with stress but tried to keep calling the new boyfriend and he came out with what Op said? Deary me.

Agree with LovelyJumper

Being away on a difficult trip, sorting stressful family and legal issues, si not the time also to have to sort out emotional obligations by phone

If I were under a lot of stress, I would be pleased to hear from my SO (him in this case). I would never speak to him, or anyone, as rudely as he spoke to me. And if I did, I’d apologise about it after.

I think you should end the relationship and move on. This is too much drama for a 4 month old relationship.

It's obvious he is going through a tough time and probates can be tasking and tough especially dealing with family who all want different things, and on top of that he is probably still grieving from whoever he lost and in my opinion this is the time for you to be there for him but you're only focused on meeting your own needs.

I can see how someone in that situation will not be as cheerful as he usually is or available, unless you think he is cheating on you or something else then that's a different situation and if that's the case still end the relationship.

I am fairly hurt by this response. I am basically hearing that he will not/cannot meet my emotional needs, but I must meet his

Yes because he's is going through a tough time now so as his partner he needs your support. And when you need his support he will be there for you but you continuing to insist on your own needs while he is going through a tough probate and loss makes it all about you.

There is no way on earth that a partner will be able to meet his or her partners needs every single time, there are times one partner needs to be strong to support the other and then vice versa. Again unless you think he is lying or exaggerating I think YABU and needy.

Probate means loss, that's is painful. Probate means dealing with family who are most likely fighting and arguing over things like how to or if you see property, assets etc. it's tough and stressful. If you cannot support him through this tough period because your needs have to be met then this relationship isn't for either of you.

But he’s not your “SO”, you’re only dating, and have only been dating for 4 months.

He’s not been unreasonable in my opinion, it sounds like he’s under a lot of stress & pressure with a lot of people to keep happy/speak to, after only 4 months you’re just another person he has to tick off the list at the end of the day.

If it was me and my husband in your situation, he would be happy to speak to me at the end of a busy and stressful day because I’m his safe place, I’m a certainty, we are a rock for each other and we are able to support each other through those times because we ARE partners. If he needed to rang or winge at me at the end of a busy stressful day (or vice versa), we accept that, and we help each other through it, that’s what partners do.

You and this man are not partners, you’re dating, and you’ve only been doing that for 4 months.

This probably sums it up for me too.

It's only four months you've been dating, he's going through a really tough time and you're talking about your emotional needs.

Red flags- 🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I've not seen anything about him emotionally dumping on her, what I have done is OP being upset that he is not as cheerful or calling her as much as she would like despite the fact he is going through a time time now.

And all that stuff about training is just bullshit you have made up.

Maybe OP needs to stop focusing on just her needs and recognize her is going through a tough time and support him rather than insist on her needs being met. That is actually selfish and needy. Parents support each other through tough times not insist on "my needs being met" no matter what you are going through.

I'd say he feels like you can't be bothered with him.
Text him and ask how he is.
As for phone calls, only answer the ones you want to take.

YANBU. Communication is key. Whatever the level of stress, there needs to be respect and openness. I don’t like how he’s handled this at all and I’m not surprised you feel pissed off.

I think the fact he saw you as a support during his stressful time is good. It's good for a partner to be supportive. What is not good is being spoken to rudely.

I would personally respond to him that I don't expect him to pretend to be cheerful and I am happy for him to tell you about the stress he is under but I am absolutely not happy to be snapped at and spoken to rudely. That is where the line should be drawn. Tell him you are not his verbal punch bag but more than happy to talk through his issues. If he can't separate his frustrations and stress from the people that are causing them and you the willing ear to listen then he can sod off.

Did you post about this before he even went away?

He'd pre-warned you that it was going to be a difficult time for him and he couldn't guarantee to call or text you every day - you were asking MN how much contact you could reasonably demand from him?

If you're the same poster, you've probably sent him away with another daily obligation to fulfill whilst he's already dealing with an extremely stressful set of circumstances.

Either way, I'd give him a break from the daily expectation of contacting you.

The ‘emotional dumping’ on you repeatedly, then rudeness, was shit.
Your text about ‘obligations’ was odd; his response seems far, far worse. he can’t / won’t be nice to the person he’s dating for at least some of the phone calls!

I agree with Lovelyjumper.

The situation is difficult, especially with the physical distance and time difference. He is clearly going through a stressful time. You both have expressed your thoughts, though he could have said it better. It's nice that he has still made time to communicate with you regularly. I understand that you felt bad but don't take it personally. What are your emotional needs that you say are unmet? As is said before, there cannot always be a balance in partners' supporting each other. Some situation automatically lead to one person being more caring.

It’s not that I have any specific emotional needs. I really just needed a bit of common decency and politeness, which I wasn’t getting.

In terms of actual emotion needs, I was more upset that he has told me that going forward, if I do have emotions about anything, to not raise them with him, as he’s too stressed.

I read it as “hence forth, I’ll be behaving however I like, because I’m very stressed, so you may or may not hear from me, and when you do, I may be rude, and I’ll need you to just grin and bear it, without comment”.

That’s really how it came across. I’m paraphrasing but he did basically say those things.

As PPs have pointed out, he’s not my SO as we’re only four months in, so I’m not sure I feel invested enough, to just be an emotional dumping ground and not much else, for almost another month.

I think you’re reading an awful lot into these things; sometimes it’s not all about you.

Personally I’d keep it light until he got back and talk face to face. But if this is a dealbreaker, then end it. At four months, it’s not the end of the world. He may be relieved …