Have I messed my relationship up by raising my dissatisfaction

[Kingpongking]

I’ve been dating a man for 4 months. We are dating exclusively and it seemed to be going well.

He has flown back to his home country for 5 weeks. It’s a stressful trip as he is sorting out some probate related stuff and dealing with some tricky family dynamics, plus has a lot of people to see.

He’s been there two weeks. He’s text and called every day, some days quite a lot which is lovely. However, in the last week, his communication has really just been him complaining about how stressed he is. None of the conversations have really been him engaging with me or taking an interest in what I’ve been doing.

I do get it, I really do. But the last straw for me was when he called yesterday. He said he’d call me at 10pm his time. He called me at 4am!

When he did finally call, he sounded so miserable and like he desperately didn’t want to be on the phone. He was irritable and kind of snappy with me. There was no warmth in his voice at all. I just got really upset and couldn’t hide in my voice that I felt put out. It really felt like he’d called out of obligation and had no interest in talking to me.

I messaged after to say I totally knew it wasn’t personal, but to please let me know if he was finding calling me to be an obligation and that his disposition on the phone had made me wonder if he was actually interested in continuing a relationship with me.

I know it’s always a no-no (especially on MN) to be needy, especially in a newer relationship but I was really at the end of my tether after a week of hearing no niceties at all and just being a dumping ground for his stress, with 3 more weeks of it to go.

He replied and said he did still want to be with me and everything was fine, and I definitely wasn’t an obligation, BUT while he totally understood my side, unfortunately he was giving was all he had in him right now and he was unlikely to be able to be any more engaging or cheerful any time soon.

That was last night and today I haven’t heard from him today at all 😔. Usually I hear from him a ton during the day. So now we’ve gone from very frequent albeit gloomy communication, to no communication at all. Which makes me feel like I really messed up last night by telling him I felt upset. I really should’ve been more understanding and just kept my mouth shut. I let a moment of insecurity ruin things and now I don’t get to hear from him at all. The worst thing is, now I look back and realise he had been making a lot of effort, despite his stress, and I let one bad conversation get to me and drove him away.

I am 45 years old and have been happily single for years, so I’m completely embarrassed that I’m even having to worry about such things.

How weird that some posters think that being stressed is a perfectly valid excuse for being unkind and rude. People should have higher standards for themselves and others.
He shouldn't be treating you as if you're an inconvenience.
He shouldn't be so rude.
He is not too busy/distracted/stressed to work out what time it is in the UK, and to wait for a mutually convenient time to ring you. This in itself shows how self-centred he is. A 4am call is fine for an emergency, but certainly not to call you to whinge.

Plus, I find the word needy a bit crap. It's always used in the context of women, and usually means that they're open and honest about what they expect from a relationship.

It's quite telling that he called you at a disruptive time (0400) just to moan and didn't take your polite query on the chin.

I understand he is under stress and there will be complications we don't know about but it is pertinent who has died. An elderly grandparent doesn't give the same clemency for changes in behaviour as an untimely death, say a child. It's stressful and sad but a part of life.

You're not an appropriate person to offload gripes to night after night for weeks as a very new partner. It's natural you were wondering whether he wanted to be on the call at all if it was all so negative. Of course you didn't expect him to be giggling sweet nothings every night but warmth and mutual care are needed to keep a new relationship alive (or put on hold if and he's truly unable to commit anything to you). He's let the ball drop completely.

I think he is showing a selfish streak and a lack of understanding for your feelings which was valid and politely expressed. I think this streak would have come out sooner or later. I'd

Don't get me wrong, I have sympathy for his position, I really do. But it hasn't merited this level of self absorption on his contact with you even if the family and admin are complex, and he's pushed you away with his lack of consideration. 0400 phone calls are for emergencies. Not waking you up to moan. He should have managed this better and kept at least partly to messages where he could give you an update and watch his tone.

Also, he doesn't want to deal with emotion from you? That's all you've dealt with from him for three weeks. But it doesn't count because he's a man? On important duties?

I know this sounds a bit callous as 'bereaved' but it isn't as simple as that.

Not rtft but l think l would say why don't you give me a call when you are home and we can see where we are at.
Yanbu to flag up how he made you feel.

I'd have said cut some slack given what he's dealing with, we can all be a bit rude to others when we are going through a tough time. Most of us can see it and apologise for it though. So no, I wouldnt take that after just 4 months when I know I can be happy on my own not having someone talk to me like crap!

I couldn't be doing with someone calling me multiple times a day no matter who they are and for what reason. It all seems unrealistic and unhealthy. Expectations on both sides seem really off. I would just wish him well and say let's catch up when he is back..

I think the problem is him not you. Being stressed is not an excuse to be rude to people. Do you really want this behaviour every time there a stressful situation in the future?

Your message to him seems very kind and understanding. He was being disrespectful to you. Unlike a previous poster, I don't think he wants to break up. Some people are just like this. They take out their frustrations on their partner. It seems he does not even think this is wrong. It has only been 4 months. Life is full of stressful situations. Imagine the rest of your life like this...

He sounds awful OP, and very selfish. I know you said his 4am isn't your 4am but any decent man who cared about your well-being would not call you at that time. If anything he would call you at his 4am to make sure it was a decent hour for you. You shouldn't have picked up the call. Also how much stress is there really in sorting out a grandparent's probate? Some yes but not enough to warrant this level of awful behaviour. I think you should throw this one back OP.

How weird that some posters think that being stressed is a perfectly valid excuse for being unkind and rude

#BeKind