I’ve never been so hated! AIBU?

[PeachyPotatoes]

My husband and I have been going through a very difficult time over the last 3 years. We recently had a very bad patch - we both made mistakes, and decided to separate. We have since worked through this and are giving things another go. We have two young children, so it’s been a particularly stressful time ensuring their needs and happiness are prioritised.

My MIL, who has never liked me, has jumped at the chance to tell my husband what a disease of a woman I am - making up lies that I’m a shoplifting, drug addled, alcoholic (amongst many other ridiculous
lies). I’ve offered to speak with her to clear the air, but she’s having none of it.

In the midst of all this, I let a friend down - I apologised, explaining our rubbish circumstances and offering to help in any other way I could; I was unfortunately hospitalised a week later, missing the birthday party of my friend’s child.

Since then, I’ve had no contact with my friend; We bumped into them today and they couldn’t have avoided me more. It was really awful.

My SIL has also sent me obscene, threatening messages - I’m being pressured by my family to repair this.

I want to focus on my family and my marriage. But I feel so hated. It’s very difficult to focus on fixing things with my husband when I’m being threatened, my friends have all but disappeared, and my MIL is listing all the reasons my husband should leave me at every opportunity.

AIBU to have expected support from my friends and family instead of being ostracised and demonised? I feel completely battered.

YANBU. As is so often said on here, you don’t have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem. Why isn’t he telling MIL that her behaviour is not acceptable instead of you speaking to her to clear the air? Same with your SIL if it’s his side of the family - why is it all on you?

It's a really awful situation.

But your mil and sil are his family. It's rare that in laws are there for you when a relationship breaks down. Though I wouldn't expect them to act how yours have.

If your mil is making outrageous lies that are completely made up, there's no air to clear. She is lying about you. You don't need to do anything. And your Sil shouldn't be interfering. You can't fix that either.

In regards to your friend, is missing the party how you let her down? Being in hospital and missing her child's party seems an over reaction. I get you want her to be there for you. because you have so much on. But she may have more going on that you know as well.

It sounds like a really difficult time. You need to concentrate on your marriage if yiu want to work through this. His family are his problem and he should be defending you. If he isn't, still don't worry about them but maybe rethink wether you want this marriage to continue.

Totally agree with this poster.

However, did you contact your friend when you came out of hospital, to apologise for letting her down, and explain why? If you didn't, then I can understand her blanking you, however if you did, I'd just let that friendship go, as she's clearly not a good friend, if she can't accept that being hospitalised is a good enough reason to let her down.

We recently had a very bad patch - we both made mistakes, and decided to separate

What kind of mistakes did you make? Because your MIL telling your husband that you are a drug addled, shoplifting alcoholic is very weird. I mean surely if any of those things are true, your husband is in the best position to know, not his mother?

I can't help feeling there is more to this than you are telling us.

Your dh should be supporting you and having a word with his family if he wants to rebuild your marriage.

do you feel you let your friend down by missing their child’s birthday party as you were in hospital? They don’t sound like a very good friend if they are now avoiding you

i am sorry you are going through this I am going through something similar my dsis has told lies about me to family friends to cover up what she is doing and why we no longer speak and it’s very hurtful

In terms of your in laws, your dh is the one who needs to step up here and make it explicitly clear to them that they are out of line and he won't have it. He needs to handle that on your behalf.

In terms of your friend I would reach out, take full responsibility for yourself and offer something to make amends. But ultimately if she's not willing to give you another chance there's not much you can do about that. Letting someone down is crap but we're all human.

It sounds like you need a bit of support for yourself op. Who are the people in your life who build you up and make you feel good - spend time with them. Or if you can't identify those people then it's time to broaden your support networks. Maybe initially by counselling and then hobbies etc. Rebuilding a marriage is hard, resolving family disputes is hard, you need space to fill your own cup so you can pour into the others.

I think it really comes down to what mistakes you made as to whether your in laws are being unreasonable. If their son/brother was treated badly then you can’t ask them to accept it as water under the bridge. Those relationships need repairing too.

Your friend sounds a bit sensitive to be holding a hospital stay against you.

Er, why didn't your friend a) know you were in the hospital and b) come and visit you in hospital? If she's pissed off about you letting her down, you've got an equal reason to be pissed off about her not being there for you when you were in hospital.

Other than that, it seems you are surrounded by very mad people. I personally would not want to be married to a man who had a family so toxic unless he was holding them at more than arms length and understood clearly that they were not to be allowed to overstep boundaries.

Thanks for the replies.

My husband has told MIL to stop - time will tell.

In terms of mistakes that were made - I felt completely isolated and neglected for years by my husband. Having given up my career to raise our children, and him having a job in which he works away for extended periods, it was very lonely. I have no support network close by. I had numerous health issues, including meningitis, multiple miscarriages, sepsis and TB, all within a year - I was eventually diagnosed with coeliac disease which was the root cause of my health issues. Throughout this, my husband was unsupportive and just not really there for me. I addressed this with him many times but nothing changed. I eventually told him I wanted to separate, and then foolishly was flattered by someone else. I had a brief fling with said person, before reconciling with my husband. I have thus been branded an adulterer (even though we were not together at the time - I do appreciate the rubbish timing of it though). That’s the whole of it. My husband has forgiven me. As MIL has never been a fan of mine, it seems she now feels vindicated in her hatred and has made up several ludicrous claims, none of which are true.

In regards to my friend, I don’t want to put too much information on here. They’ve been such a good friend to me and asked me for a small favour (before the child’s party), which I committed to. This unfortunately happened to be the day everything blew up with my husband and I and I totally forgot about my promise to help my friend. I immediately apologised, but I know I left them in a difficult situation and I feel very bad about it.

I’m not sure where to go from here. How to repair a marriage when everyone else seems to keen on tearing it down?

The question is, is your DH as keen to repair the damage as you are OP? If so, then tell everyone else to butt out! Unless there is any reason why you feel obliged to have contact with your in-laws, then don't, obviously you shouldn't object to your DH keeping contact going, unless he comes home and is feeding back nastiness from his mother, or other families, in which case, he either goes no contact, or the relationship is over.

Has the work situation with him being away so much changed at all? If not, then I'm inclined to think that it will be a waste of time trying to make things work, as it's likely you'll both just fall back into the old routine, which clearly didn't work, or make you happy. If nothing's changed, then I think you should talk about what can be done to make the necessary changes for him to be at home with you much more of the time. Again, if he's not prepared to make these changes, then I think you might as well let the relationship go, and find someone who wants to spend more time with you OP. We all need different things from relationships, and if you're not the sort of person that is happy to live your own life, replacing your DH's presence with friends when he's away, then you need to consider a different partner, in my opinion.

Apologise to your friend and explain what happened but take full responsibility for it.
Then leave her to it - you only have so much energy to give right now.

Your MIL and SIL are going to have a negative view of you if DH was moaning to them about you.
It is up to DH to try and repair this.

Tell DH that you do not want to have any contact with MIL or SIL right now and he needs to keep his relationship with them separate to your relationship.

Ignore the MIL and SIL and try and focus on just your DH and your friend.

I’m going to go against the grain and say you need to work on fixing the relationships with your in laws. You messed up and need to own it. It’s a relatable story so they will probably come around and have more respect for you for addressing it. I don’t think asking DH to keep you and his family separate is fair on him or going to make your reconciliation any easier.

This is three individuals, OP, two of them your husband’s family, one a friend you let down. Assuming you’ve apologised sincerely to your friend I wouldn’t think twice about the others. ILs are only in your life because of who you marry. It doesn’t always gel. Concentrate on repairing your marriage or ending it amicably.

@PeachyPotatoes if anything try to clear your head and invest your time and energy repairing your friendship. With everything going on you may have come across as more thoughtless or flakey than you realise, so if you value the friendship you can try again to fix things.

As for in laws you need to stop thinking and worrying about them, have you blocked them? If not you need to do that.

So you let your 'very good friend down' then went into hospital for a week and no one let her know?

From her point of view you she has been a good friend and you let her down, didn't even remember you promised so didn't even give her an hours notice. Apologised then gave your reasons. You then didn't turn up to the party, then later got in contact and said you were in hospital.

I don't think your friend hates you. I think they just don't want to maintain the friendship. Which is her choice.

If your MIL is making up completely lies (are they lies or is there some truth behind them) you can't fix it. Either she knows she is lying and won't back down or she truly believes those things and you won't convince her otherwise. But they will always take his side.

And remember, they probably really only have details from his point of view. And sitting them down to explain yours probably ky won't make it any better and are dragging them further into your relationship problems.

Just do the opposite of this OP and you'll be fine.

Are you sure your husband is committed to making lasting changes? He sounds awful

Yes but why is your mother in law branding you as a shop lifting, drug addled alcoholic?

I’ve already explained that she has made up these lies. I can’t begin to fathom her reasoning.

And for the record, just in case I didn’t already make myself clear, I am none of these things.

Why on earth do you want to stay in such an awful marriage with awful in-laws?

My husband has committed to make changes - I admit, it would be easier to walk away right now, but we love each other. And we both want our marriage to be a happy one.

You can’t do anything about this. You need to stop caring about these people.Your friend is selfish. She is not a sincere friend.

Your husband’s family sound absolutely awful and you need to ignore them. Rid your mind and your life of these people. Nothing is going to change their minds about you and it isn't what's important. Direct all of your attention to your marriage and your family and people who do genuinely care about you.

Can you explain why you think the OP messed up? She's done absolutely nothing to her MIL and SIL and as far as I can see her only crime against her husband was being fed up of his neglectful, unsupportive ways and separating from him, after which she had a fling. So what's she done to deserve the way she's been treated or be responsible for repairing relationships she didn't damage?

She had an affaire, even if they were on a break. She treated their son and brother badly so of course they harbour some ill feeling towards her. This is why I said she needs to explain as it is a relatable story - because of the neglect etc.

No she didn't, they were separated not "on a break". They're not teenagers.

And to be honest the way he treated her, I'd still say he's the one who should be grovelling, not her.