I’ve never been so hated! AIBU?

[PeachyPotatoes]

My husband and I have been going through a very difficult time over the last 3 years. We recently had a very bad patch - we both made mistakes, and decided to separate. We have since worked through this and are giving things another go. We have two young children, so it’s been a particularly stressful time ensuring their needs and happiness are prioritised.

My MIL, who has never liked me, has jumped at the chance to tell my husband what a disease of a woman I am - making up lies that I’m a shoplifting, drug addled, alcoholic (amongst many other ridiculous
lies). I’ve offered to speak with her to clear the air, but she’s having none of it.

In the midst of all this, I let a friend down - I apologised, explaining our rubbish circumstances and offering to help in any other way I could; I was unfortunately hospitalised a week later, missing the birthday party of my friend’s child.

Since then, I’ve had no contact with my friend; We bumped into them today and they couldn’t have avoided me more. It was really awful.

My SIL has also sent me obscene, threatening messages - I’m being pressured by my family to repair this.

I want to focus on my family and my marriage. But I feel so hated. It’s very difficult to focus on fixing things with my husband when I’m being threatened, my friends have all but disappeared, and my MIL is listing all the reasons my husband should leave me at every opportunity.

AIBU to have expected support from my friends and family instead of being ostracised and demonised? I feel completely battered.

You've been through a lot.

I think you need to definitely decide whether you want to continue in the marriage, I know you said you are both working on it and love each other etc but you both need to set boundaries, sensible ones that you both can work with.

Remember if you separated the children will spend time with her. It's not OK she bad mouths you in front of the children and your dh needs to be made aware that this is one of your boundaries .

With regards to friends, hospital stays, forgetting stuff that's all normal when your life is upside down. I find writing your apologies and reasons can explain properly, email, card, text. Explain again to your friend and if she a good friend she'll understand and forgive, I had my niece turn up at my house last week, totally forgot I had arranged for her to stay, I thought sister would have stopped the visit as my disabled dd was blue lighted to hospital where she stayed for a week, but sister thought we'd somehow enjoy the extra chaos, we both think we're right and now not speaking.

With regards to your sil, that's another boundary you need to set with your dh, if she can't be civilised then you block her.

Ok. I am fascinated to know how this conversation went. Presumably your husband has said to you 'my mum has told me that you've been taking drugs, shoplifting and that you have a serious drink problem.'

And how did your husband react to her? How did you react to him telling you all this? You may not be able to fathom her reasoning, but surely your husband demanded that she should justify or explain her comments? What kind of a person makes up such serious and outlandish accusations and more importantly, what kind of a person hears that about themselves and doesn't immediately want to get to the bottom of it? It's very odd.

You say you've offered to speak with her to clear the air and she's 'having none of it'. Well sod that. If this were my MIL making such serious accusations about me, based on goodness only knows what, I'd not be 'offering' to clear the air, I'd be banging her door down and demanding to clear it.

So, you had an affair? If your in laws knew about it, then they will react. Thats normal.🤷‍♀️

She owes the i laws nothing, and doesn't answer to them
If her husband is fine,.,, so should they be.,

So people can treat your family badly and you don’t have any feelings about that? OK. We’ll have to agree to disagree.

If her HUSBAND is fine with her.,... then yes.
What did OP do to the MiL?

Who cares about the in-laws, it's natural they are siding against you, but it's not your problem
Forget about MIL and SIL, they don't matter. They might get over it, they might not, totally unimportant.

Try to approach your friend

and the one you really need to work on is your husband. All said and done, you had an affair, it's a lot to take on and then move on.

You were left with no support during a really rough period of health. In a marriage you work around everything else to make them a priority when they're ill and you didn't get that from your husband.
Did your husband see anyone while you were separated? I don't say this lightly but frankly I don't blame you for having your head turned going on how distant and unsupportive he has been.
How were you and MiL before all this happened, were you previously on good terms or did you always have a rocky relationship?
As for your friend, explain to her what happened and why you couldn't make it to the party. If she's a true friend she will understand. If not, don't waste time and energy on someone who doesn't care for you.

It's not an affair if they were separated at the time.
Screw anyone trying to stick their nose into your marriage.
Your husband was and probably still is a selfish pig.

your situation resonated with something I went through about 10 years ago, my whole world sort of seemed to collapse under me at once, and it felt like everyone hated me

all I can advise is ride the storm, this will pass, and tall ships weren’t built to stay in harbour xx

Your husband agreed MIL wouldn’t be seeing your children while she continues this vendetta against and then went back on that. Is that right?

If so he’s badly lacking in integrity. Why the change of mind about your children spending time with he? Did he explain that?

Or had he lied to shut you up knowing full well he wasn’t going to keep your children away from her?

That wouldn’t solely be in support of you, he shouldn’t want his children to listen to her nasty lies.

With regards to him taking the children

My ex husband was warned that if his mother continued to run her nasty mouth around our children (basically accusing me of everything from the death of christ to the present day) that they would make a reccomendation to the court that he not be allowed to have his children anywhere near her as it was emotional abuse parental alienation and emotional neglect on his part