I’ve never been so hated! AIBU?

[PeachyPotatoes]

My husband and I have been going through a very difficult time over the last 3 years. We recently had a very bad patch - we both made mistakes, and decided to separate. We have since worked through this and are giving things another go. We have two young children, so it’s been a particularly stressful time ensuring their needs and happiness are prioritised.

My MIL, who has never liked me, has jumped at the chance to tell my husband what a disease of a woman I am - making up lies that I’m a shoplifting, drug addled, alcoholic (amongst many other ridiculous
lies). I’ve offered to speak with her to clear the air, but she’s having none of it.

In the midst of all this, I let a friend down - I apologised, explaining our rubbish circumstances and offering to help in any other way I could; I was unfortunately hospitalised a week later, missing the birthday party of my friend’s child.

Since then, I’ve had no contact with my friend; We bumped into them today and they couldn’t have avoided me more. It was really awful.

My SIL has also sent me obscene, threatening messages - I’m being pressured by my family to repair this.

I want to focus on my family and my marriage. But I feel so hated. It’s very difficult to focus on fixing things with my husband when I’m being threatened, my friends have all but disappeared, and my MIL is listing all the reasons my husband should leave me at every opportunity.

AIBU to have expected support from my friends and family instead of being ostracised and demonised? I feel completely battered.

Blimey, your husband’s family sound like horrors! I’d work on getting him to sort them out as a priority. You’re the only one who can sort out the issue with your dp friend. If she’s a good mate, she’ll get over it if you’re open and honest with her.

^This^

If he were my husband he'd have to do a massive change for me to want him back

I'm not sure much of the blame lies with you tbh

And I think your friend is being a tad selfish here too

If your husband loves you, why did he let you down so badly when you were ill?

Either way she still needs her own relationships with the in laws and that means talking it out.

If he loves you, why did he treat you so badly for so many years? And neglect you while you were unwell?

I think you need therapy. And a divorce.

Your DH and his family are awful. Your choice to stay but I don't understand it. People don't change, so you're a fool to think anything will get better.

As to your friend, all you can do is apologise. Personally, I lost a lot of friends in my divorce (even though I hadn't even done anything wrong). It happens. People don't care about your relationship issues, they don't want awkward conversations, have their own shit going on, so they'll distance themselves.

This really can 't be emphasised enough.

You don't sound like you have a bankable future with a man who has let you down so badly in the past. I wonder if the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree with him. Love alone isn't enough to hold a marriage together. You need to think really hard about the people in your life.

"a disease of a woman" I'm sorry but that made me laugh, if MIL had thought of that she would have applied it to me. Sorry you're going through this, OP. Hugs and

I had numerous health issues, including meningitis, multiple miscarriages, sepsis and TB, all within a year - I was eventually diagnosed with coeliac disease which was the root cause of my health issues. Throughout this, my husband was unsupportive and just not really there for me

This isn't the behaviour of someone who loves you. He let you suffer alone to the point you didn't want to be with him, imo this isn't the sort of thing that ever changes. It's fundamentally who he is, he's shown you that loud and clear and you need to listen.

It sounds like you need to reflect on your choices and why this is happening.

Sorry I meant to vote YANBU, but I voted YABU by mistake

Op you have my support. I think you need to massively lower your expectations or leave. Stop thinking of everyone around you as people capable of empathy, rational nuanced thinking and mature behaviour. Imagine you are in Mean Girls. In nature if part of a herd or pack of animals is injured or "weak" the other animals attack it. If you go back to being reliable, smiley and friendly they'll come round again. If you try and get your husband to remind his herd that they behave badly the herd will continue to attack you. Life is long and you'll have plenty of time to not support them in the future.

Sorry but I wouldn't stay with someone whose family treated me this way

You separated was he a total nun during this separation?
You got back together has anything changes with him apart from his socks?
Why is she going around spouting these easily disproved lies? Shoplifters have court records where are yours? Drug addiction? Call social services then they will test you if you have young children my neighbour had to be tested same day because the neighbours decided she was on cocaine

No, she doesn't. She owes these people nothing.

I'd be going completely NC with them, because of the MIL's lies and the SIL's obscene messages.

Nobody needs that in their life!

That's the sad thing sometimes on Mumsnet you only get half a story.

Where were they when her husband was away working and she had health problems and needed supporting???

She doesn’t owe her in-laws anything at this stage.

They clearly felt that her marriage had fuck all to do with them when she could have done with a hand so they now need to fuck off and mind their own business.

OP, don’t engage with those nasty pair of twats. They’re a pair of utter shits.

Your husband is a selfish bastard, shit father, shit husband.
You have NOTHING to apologise for, he has NOTHING to forgive you for.
His family are awful.
Your friend is not being a real friend when you have been through so much.

Re think your marriage. He couldn't possibly love you and be such a selfish pig.

This is such an interesting perspective. Thank you for your insight. You’re right - my MIL absolutely wasn’t there for me or my husband when any support would have been so, so gratefully received.

I’ve extended the olive branch by offering to talk things through, but she’s opted to cut me out and attack me via my husband.

I’ve done all I can as far as I’m concerned. There would have to be a massive concentrated effort on her part for us to have any sort of polite relationship.

I actually recently realised who she reminds me of - the Mother of Rose in Titanic.

@PeachyPotatoes how do you know what she is saying if she cut you off? Is your husband telling you these things? My abusive exH used to do that, at the time I thought it was innocent, that he was just relaying what his mother was saying. Years later I realize it was another way to undermine me.

If a relative of mine ever makes a negative comment or joke about my DH, I wouldn't tell him about it. I would 1) stand up for him and 2) leave it at that. Why would I upset my DH with something said by someone he almost never even sees? Why is your husband telling you about the horrible things his mother says?

We now have the new issue that MIL wants to see my husband (absolutely fine, of course), and my DC. I’m not fine with that. She has always had a terrible habit of talking about people and issues etc which are completely inappropriate for children to hear. I was always able to distract my children when this happened in the past, or take them to another room. With my lack of presence, and the MIL gunning for our divorce, I have no doubt she won’t censor herself in front of them now. I can’t allow that.

My husband agreed, and said that as long as she was unwilling to make peace with me, it meant she wouldn’t see our DC. Days later, MIL has invited husband and DC for a visit. And husband wants to go with our children.

AIBU to say absolutely not?

You can’t stop him from taking them, but I would make sure he knows you aren’t happy about it. I honestly think some MILs engineer situations to get this exact result - their son and Grandchildren to themselves, with the DIL on the outside.
You need your DH on the same page as you to get through this.

Absolutely not.
Take it that if your husband is happy to do this, he is NO longer committed to your marriage and move forward that you will be divorcing.

He cannot have it both ways.

You cannot stop him taking your children with him to his mothers when you are no longer married, but while you still are you can tell him it is 100% a deal breaker.

You are fooling yourself if you think your marriage has legs whilst he is happy to allow his mother behave towards you like this.

No you can’t stop him from taking them. They are his children not just yours.

I would say if you think he can’t be trusted to ensure the kids don’t over hear something damaging then you really need to rethinking everything.

This is going to be tough op as for your marriage to survive you need to be united completely with DH, against MIL.
Is he strong enough and committed enough to stand strongly with you for years?

My husband agreed, and said that as long as she was unwilling to make peace with me, it meant she wouldn’t see our DC. Days later, MIL has invited husband and DC for a visit. And husband wants to go with our children.

I'm sorry to say this really doesn't bode well for your future as a couple, OP. You need to both be on the same page and you need to be able to trust him to be able to deal with his DM in a constructive way. Otherwise there's no going forward.