AIBU that I have screwed up my kid already?

[dontlookinthemirror]

AIBU that I am the worst parent and screwed up my kid already?

I have a son who will be 3 next month and his behaviour is uncontrollable. At school and out with friends he is lovely, does what we ask/tell him to, plays nicely and gently with friends, happily chats to adults etc. At home he is like a completely different kid (also when he is out with just me and husband, no friends there). I am a teacher so I am aware of the 'oh well they feel comfortable with you so that's why they act up' but it's like he actually hates us.

Example: This afternoon husband took son and baby to the supermarket. Son had a tantrum because he wanted to play in the arcade and husband said no, cue average sized tantrum, rolling around screaming etc. Managed to wrangle him into the car and he fell asleep on the way home. Husband went the long way home to give him a 40 minute sleep so he didn't wake up grumpy. He wasn't grumpy, he was raging. I managed to settle him down and asked him to sit on the potty before he ate his dinner. He screamed ferouciously and was kicking and hitting and just being super angry. We tried calming him down and holding him, giving him some water etc. But ultimately he needed to sit on the potty because he needed to pee and he would have had an accident! So we told him he had to have a time out for kicking, hitting and screaming and not following the instruction to sit on the potty. Husband took him into the bedroom for a time out (whilst I sorted out the baby who was now also hysterically screaming because he was scared!). Son eventually calmed down enough to come back out. Told him again he needed to sit on the potty, cue back to square 1 all over again! This went on for about an hour. We did not shout but were very clear with him.

This is just one example but it's like this for everything, putting shoes on, brushing teeth, brother is playing with a toy he wasn't interested in 10 seconds ago, I won't let him have ice cream for breakfast, etc. It's just getting horrible I don't want to wake up in the mornings and deal with the same arguments, not being able to play with my baby without being attacked, not even being able to go to the toilet without a tantrum because he wants to talk in my face whilst i do my busniess. He's my son and of course I love him but, I'm finding him so hard to enjoy at the moment. He is just so difficult. We are keeping really consistent with him, both doing the same thing, not shouting but being firm, watching what he eats, schedule cards etc. Everything we can think of (and that we've seen in our careers that might work) and literally nothing works. Have we totally screwed this up and thats it now? It will be like this forever?

You&be had lots of good advice on here, and you also seem to be doing much better than you think you are, but your post about bare feet being unacceptable did make wonder if the country you are living in us also where you are from? I raised my children in a country where parenting and behavioural expectations were very different from what I was raised to believe as normal, and that made everything a lot harder. I didn't have an internal sense of what correct behaviour and etiquette was, and had to pick it up from watching other parents. I had to encourage behaviour and do things I didn't really agree with, and then when my kids played with their cousins I felt judged all over again by my own family for raising them according to the expectations of where they were being raised. The parenting tools I had expected to use just weren't available to me in a different country.

So if that's part of your problem, I don't really have any practical advice but just want to give sympathy and acknowledge that this makes everything harder, but that in the long run everything worked out ok for us.

I'd really recommend the book "Raising your spirited child" if you can get hold of it. It's pretty cringe in places due to the way some of it is written but gives a reasonably sensible mental approach to these sort of issues that you can build your own framework around.

My DD was like this at 2/3, the hitting and kicking and biting nearly broke me. She’s 6 now and no longer an absolute demon, but we do suspect she may have ADHD.

The trouble with posting these sort of issues is you often get a boatload of direct suggestions that may not be particularly well suited to your specific circumstances.

Your child might not really respond well to the "give them choices" strategy (they ignore the choices and continue their usual demands), or the "let them bear the consequence" strategy (where no shoes might be a cultural problem etc). "Turning every difficult scenario into a fun toddler game" might be so far removed from your personal style of parenting that it's exhausting enough to be unsustainable for you in the longer term, for example.

I found re-framing the behaviour away from the "this toddler is being naughty and having a tantrum" type of thinking (which came pretty naturally to me personally, to be honest!) into one that vaguely makes some sort of sense in terms of emotional development quite helpful. The book I mentioned above assisted quite a lot with this. You can then come up with your own strategies to deal with this that work for your specific set of circumstances.

Certain things like "time out" might start to make less sense for a 3 year old depending on how it's being done.

I'd also suggest that there is maybe an exaggerated sense around these days that babies and toddlers are there for us to "enjoy" as parents. Deriving enjoyment from parenting is obviously an important by-product of having a child, but our primary role as caregivers is to ensure their safe physical & emotional development. There will be times when this process is enjoyable, but there will be times when it's not particularly, and I think it's important not to beat yourself up about that when that's the case. Grandparent visits etc for us are an obvious time when these expectations become quite unhelpful.

Re the shoes, I have take mine out without a coat in British weather. They got cold and learned the consequences of why we wear coats.

The toilet situation, let him wet himself. He'll only do it once. Make him clear it up after too. You spent an hour arguing...

Oh 3 is hard and you need to let things go. It's hard when they say no to everything - I used to pull two fingers behind my dcs back 😂. It's normal behaviour but doesn't mean it isn't hard to deal with.

There's a great account on Instagram that looks at dealing with toddlers and preschoolers and all that comes with it- 'Big Little Feelings '.

If I knew an instruction was going to cause a huge reaction, I think I would avoid giving it. For shoes, I'd get the shoes and I'd put them on the child, make a game of it if I had to. What is most important in the morning - ensuring he follows instructions or getting out the door? We forget that kids will grow and change and we have to guide them. They will do things and act in ways that we do not want but it doesn't mean they are bad kids or will be like that forever. I think we can get caught up in the moment and want to win the situation rather than navigating around it. We are not ' letting them off the hook' , we are just accepting that whatever task is required of them is too hard in that moment, it's only a moment. It doesn't mean the child is broken forever. I listened to a podcast about low demand parenting and it was very interesting. Basically - be flexible and meet the child where they are at, not where you'd like them to be.

Outbursts and tantrums and anger are all developmentally normal in younger kids. You are not doing anything wrong.

@UnimaginableWindBird totally this. We are 'expats' and have lived in this country for 7 years with both children being born here. Grandparents have only met the oldest once and never the youngest. Grandparents are older and flight tickets are very expensive for them. We don't feel confident enough to take them on a 17 hour plane ride yet. Hence why we haven't visited. Of course that is totally down to us, I don't say this to be mean to our families - we chose to live here! But with that, it does mean we are completely alone with no real life advice other than our nanny. She is wonderful but an employee so I can see she is careful to not upset them (even though we are totally on board with her 'telling them' as it were). The local people here toilet train very early, around the 1.5 half mark. We waited until now, despite pressure from school. I know, I know, he's my kid!

Moving abroad in a teaching profession brings a lot of new things. The admin staff are the key to your visa, if you upset them in certain ways, like not respecting cultural values, then it is likely your visa will not be renewed. Hence the feet thing.

Also, the only time you will see a child of any age having a tantrum is because they have SEN or they are foreigner. You will never see a local child without SEN tantrumming. I know that sounds weird, but in my 7 years I have never ever seen it.

That's a lot of pressure right? For son! What a crappy way to be brought up in one respect. The reason we stay, and without being show offs, is because the cost of living is considerably less, free education for both children, childcare is very cheap, weather, blah blah blah. It really does massively outweigh the bad! Nowhere is perfect but for us this is night and day to the lives we lived in the UK. Plus we really really love our school and they really love us and our family.

Cracking advice from @Greategret

You sound like great parents - don't blame yourselves. 3 year olds can just be really hard work. I found it good a lot easier from 4, and then progressively from there. It's hard to see when you're in the thick of it, but this is just a phase and will pass. Not much help with the current issues I know, but please don't beat yourself up so much. You haven't ruined him!

I'd really recommend the book How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen.

The potty thing sounds like it went a bit haywire.

You cannot force them to pee. Never play battle of wills against a 3 year old, you will lose on principle!

Id have offered a bribe to sit & have a go, a chocolate button or something, then left it it 20 mins clear before offering again. He's 3, yes he might wet himself, they sometimes do if on a bad day.

3 year olds are a bit horrible, you do have to be a bit brisk and breezy and ignore the tantrums.

I wouldn't put up with hitting or kicking or biting though, ever. That was always my absolute hill i would die on. Safely restrain/ remove them or yourself such that they cannot reach to hit another person.

I found the books Little Angels by Dr Tanya Byron and Divas and Dictators by Charlie Taylor useful.

Stop giving him choices etc. I actually hate the advice to give toddlers choices to give them autonomy/control. Honestly i think its terrible for them, what they want is the safety and security of knowing a grown up is in charge. It just gives them something to argue with you about.

"Kid, do you want to put your socks on yourself or shall I help you?"
"Nope."
"Well we need to go school now so have to put socks on."
"I'm not going school."
"You have to go to school. Do you want to put the socks on or shall I do it?"
"Nope."
"OK I'm going to put them on"

I wouldn't have even really talked about this. I'd have said "put the socks on please" and if refused, lifted them to a chair/bottom of stairs and simply put the socks on. All that talking and negotiating, they just stop listening and tune you out.

My son just turned 5 and at 3 he was so so awful I remember him looking at me as if he hated me and it was just so tough. I think 3 in my experience is just a really hard age. My daughter just turned 3 and although different to her brother the tantrums are SO much worse than at 2. Also every three year old I've known in the past (the ones I'd know since birth and still know now) every single one of them was really annoying at 3 loved them all before and after but 3 they just really irritated me even the "good ones" it will get better!!

Yes this works for my toddler too. I don’t explain or negotiate, I state facts. “We are going outside now, it’s sunny and we need suncream on”

”we are going to the pool, let’s put our hats on”

”you need armbands in the pool, let’s put them on before we go swimming”

Child LED play using the PRIDE acronym
Praise
Reflect
Imitate
Describe
Enthusiasm

it worked worked amazing for my daughter and I think every child /parents relationship could benefit from it because It builds trust!! Please look it up online I don't want to over explain it here but tell you my experience with it. It helps build communication, cognitive development confidence and trust skills as well as the parent having better listening skills and a stronger Bond and understanding how your individual child communicates.

Thru lead play realized how much I was actually controlling and leading the engagement and not allowing my 3-year-old daughter to by the time she was five she was just diagnosed with disobedience defiance disorder and I really just that didn't sit well with me. Just doing the lead play alone she was able to communicate her emotions better which brought down the tantrums and the head banging on the floor drastically! And it taught me how to better listen and helped me realize I was being engaging by asking questions but that wasn't helping her learn anything or use her own developing problem solving skills I was just teaching her how to answer questions, but as I stated above it develops trust between you and your child trust that you will listen when he is able to explain to you how he's feeling and right now he doesn't know how to do that and that causes the frustration and then the outbursts it also might help to identify their emotions for them when they're having them like the difference between anger and sadness even though the cry might be the same so that they can identify the feeling and then therefore later explain it to you.
it also helps alleviate the feelings with having the second child because you show enthusiasm for something that they're doing with the E of pride
and the first couple of times it's awkward because there's a lot of silence and that's okay. I think for any parent to try with children ages 1 to 7 while they're still cognitively developing.

I hope you find this helpful and I hope that you are child and you both get some relief and can create a stronger Bond and communication that's healthy that he will carry with him.

Not much advice here but lots of solidarity! My nearly 3 year old sounds very similar.
I've found I (sometimes) get a better outcome if I don't phrase things as a question. Just "it's time for socks and then we're going to school". If I give him choices, he will tell me "those aren't the options" or just "no" and refuses to engage. I've also been working on downplaying the tantrums, just leaving him to it but being nearby, occasionally asking if he wants a hug but keeping out of his space while he rolls around the floor being dramatic. Acknowledging why he's annoyed/upset (if I can figure it out, sometimes it's anyone's guess) but still holding calm and firm "I know it's hard when you want to keep playing. It is dinner time and we can play again afterwards"

Not perfect by any stretch but he seems to calm down more easily with this approach. Good luck!!