AIBU that I have screwed up my kid already?

[dontlookinthemirror]

AIBU that I am the worst parent and screwed up my kid already?

I have a son who will be 3 next month and his behaviour is uncontrollable. At school and out with friends he is lovely, does what we ask/tell him to, plays nicely and gently with friends, happily chats to adults etc. At home he is like a completely different kid (also when he is out with just me and husband, no friends there). I am a teacher so I am aware of the 'oh well they feel comfortable with you so that's why they act up' but it's like he actually hates us.

Example: This afternoon husband took son and baby to the supermarket. Son had a tantrum because he wanted to play in the arcade and husband said no, cue average sized tantrum, rolling around screaming etc. Managed to wrangle him into the car and he fell asleep on the way home. Husband went the long way home to give him a 40 minute sleep so he didn't wake up grumpy. He wasn't grumpy, he was raging. I managed to settle him down and asked him to sit on the potty before he ate his dinner. He screamed ferouciously and was kicking and hitting and just being super angry. We tried calming him down and holding him, giving him some water etc. But ultimately he needed to sit on the potty because he needed to pee and he would have had an accident! So we told him he had to have a time out for kicking, hitting and screaming and not following the instruction to sit on the potty. Husband took him into the bedroom for a time out (whilst I sorted out the baby who was now also hysterically screaming because he was scared!). Son eventually calmed down enough to come back out. Told him again he needed to sit on the potty, cue back to square 1 all over again! This went on for about an hour. We did not shout but were very clear with him.

This is just one example but it's like this for everything, putting shoes on, brushing teeth, brother is playing with a toy he wasn't interested in 10 seconds ago, I won't let him have ice cream for breakfast, etc. It's just getting horrible I don't want to wake up in the mornings and deal with the same arguments, not being able to play with my baby without being attacked, not even being able to go to the toilet without a tantrum because he wants to talk in my face whilst i do my busniess. He's my son and of course I love him but, I'm finding him so hard to enjoy at the moment. He is just so difficult. We are keeping really consistent with him, both doing the same thing, not shouting but being firm, watching what he eats, schedule cards etc. Everything we can think of (and that we've seen in our careers that might work) and literally nothing works. Have we totally screwed this up and thats it now? It will be like this forever?

What good things do you do with him? When do you have a good time? When does he feel loved? (And not bossed around)?

I had a 3 year old very similar to that, and it was hell. I didn't have the time or the energy to give him positive attention, to bond with him, to make him feel loved. So of course he was angry and pissed off all the time! Who wouldn't be?

(8 years later, we're in a much better place)

Are you in teacher mode maybe? Telling him to do this, do that, don't do this, don't do that, sit here, drink this, sit on the potty.

If I were you I would ...

1)Ignore the tantrums

2)Ask him to do something once and if he doesn't you can try asking in a different way ' do you want water in the blue cup or red cup'

3. when ignoring the tantrum do not turn and put your attention solely on the baby to avoid any jealousy

4. if this started when you were pregnant could be coincidence due to his age but could be jealousy. Take him out to the park just you and him, take him to the supermarket just you and him and let him choose a cake or something he doesn't usually have

Here is your answer. The poor mite has had his world turned upside down and he is too young to communicate that he feels scared, confused and pushed put other than through bad behavior.

How much 1:1 time does he get with you? I mean doing fun things he likes, not shopping or other boring stuff.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

You are encouraging this by giving it so much attention.

He's jealous of the baby as well.

So prioritise spending one on one time with just him when you can.

But ignore the tantrums.

Praise the good, catch him being good and acknowledge it. Good boy for putting your shoes on etc.

And ignore the naughty

Four things, maybe blindingly obvious:

1. your child is struggling with power and all of the instructions maybe overwhelming him and making him feel more powerless = rage.
2. have you tried a marble jar rewards system? Find the shiniest fanciest marbles you can and a jar you think is reasonable, a marble goes into the jar for any action/request they follow and a marble comes out for every missed request. When the jar is full he can pick a toy/item/dayout. The point of the system is to remind parents to praise good behaviour and not solely focus parenting interactions/intervention on the bad. If you in fact over praise them for following the smallest of directions, they catch on quickly and want to get the marble and therefore to please you. This was a real game changer for us. Our DD is the most stubborn child I’ve ever met, but she lapped this system up. You can make the jar bigger if it gets easy!
3. it’s important to remember that the terrible twos lasts until they are 4-5 depending on their language, vocabulary etc. Your son sounds like he is struggling to express himself (or feel heard/understood) and that sounds to be the trigger of tantrums.
4. children have a power bucket each day (as do adults), this needs filling, I found this technique helpful when dealing with my 3-4 year olds explosive tantrums. https://blog.adventuresinbabysigning.com/emotional-buckets/ Good luck OP, kids can be little shits.

We play super heroes together most nights after baby has gone to bed, plays in my classroom before school together, go in the swimming pool etc. Hw gets a lot of attention. And I dont boss him around, he does have a lot of autonomy. I just don't want him to be violent or uncomfortable because he hasn't taken care of personal hygiene stuff.

There are some good tips here I will try. Thanks so much

I have to agree with PP. I never gave my DC options for non negotiable things.

So don’t say”shall we put your socks/coat on now?” You just do it. No need for a constant narration.

Fine to give options for “are we going to play Spider-Man game or Ninja Turtles”

Ignore the bad behaviour and always acknowledge and reward the good. It will get better.

The Explosive Child book might help, and/or Low Demand Parenting. I'd come at things sideways like a PP suggested. And communicate everything very clearly about every thing that is going to happen every day so there are no surprises.

Sounds like sibling jealousy?

How often does he have 1:1 with you/dp?

No I'm sure you are just dealing with a 3 year old. They can be tough at this age and they come in all shapes, sizes and temperaments.

The only thing I would say is if you know something is triggering the outburst, such as going on the potty then avoid that situation, so long as it's safe to do so. If he had wet himself that's not the end of the world.

This won't last forever.

@WhatThenEh he was hungry but also refused to eat anything. He was just screaming kicking and hitting. Since he could talk he's always interacted with the adults around him. Our school staff are very close so he sees them alot out of school. Example we met up with one of the new teachers last week, it was the first time he had met them and he had no problem explaining what flowers he was looking at. I mention this to give insight that he is usually quite an outgoing child with others. He is not a quiet kid that is shy, as some children may have outbursts if they felt pressure in social situations. He does not.

He was breast fed for 3 weeks, then we had some problems with feeding so switched to formula. Current baby was combi fed for 4 months. Big brother never seemed to be bothered by it.

He is in nursery that is at the same campus as my school. I see him often throughout the day where he will announce to his class "that's my mom!" And blow a kisss haha. Same with his dad.

I understand people's thinking on that he doesn't get enough time with us but it really is the opposite. I feel our time is monopolised by him. We organise activities with him 1 to 1 every single day. Then when it's quiet time or I want to spend time with baby he kicks off. He wants all of our time constantly. Baby gets very little. That is why it's sad.

@WhatThenEh also, yes we take him to work with us because the nanny stays home with baby. She cannot drive a car and I don't want the baby or son on a motorbike so son comes with us. I take him to his class 20 minutes after arriving at school. During that 20 minute period he plays in the classroom with me or sometimes dad or sometimes my teacher partner which usually involves some sort of climbing around the tables 😄

Good advice above but also just to add I remember the best advice that stayed with me is not to feel so bad about eg them being great in school l, with friends etc, you are their safe space, they’ve held in their emotions and you and home are where it all just comes out in a whoosh, because they can be themselves around you and that encompasses the good and the bad!

I'd go with this too. It may be the way that you have written it and obviously as a teacher you will have way more knowledge than me but I'd try to pick my battles and try to lessen the demands on him slightly to reduce the pressure. If he is kicking or hitting then just take the baby and walk away, don't engage at all. When he has calmed down then try to speak to him and explain why it isn't nice to do that and what he could do instead when he gets angry.

Oh and yes, try if at all possible to avoid taking him to the shops. No good can come of that 😂

This may be waaay off base but does little one have any allergies? My little one went through something similar where she was so lovely out and about with friends/family/nursery but at home it was one aggressive outburst after another. Sometimes all I had to do to cause it was breathe and she'd be hitting, throwing and screaming. I was so sure something was really wrong! Months of misery and me genuinely being at the end of my tether and scared I'd lost my lovely girl.

Turns out there was an intolerance I hadn't clocked onto and when we cut that out it was literally like a while new child. She's back to being the happiest cheekiest little one. Don't get me wrong, we get the same toddler tantrums as anyone (how DARE I open the banana?!) But the intensity and rage has disappeared.

Just a thought since it changed our life!

He didn't need the toilet.

That's it, that's all really.

Everyday is a new day. Don't overthink it with big sweeping conclusions "I've messed him up for life" etc.

He just didn't need the toilet, you unreasonably insisted he should go, and then the whole incident escalated to battles of will.

There's no need to do a pre-emptive potty just before dinner, as the toilet is accessible whenever he does need it.

Obviously you have my sympathies because three can be a horrible age. My daughter was shocking.

But a few things … when was he potty trained? At 3 can’t he decide when he needs a wee if you’re a home? I get it if you’re going out for the day or a long car journey, but at home you should let him learn to recognise when his bladder is full and he needs to go. Scheduling potty trips isn’t effective potty training.

I don’t think time outs are the answer to tantrums. It’s expecting far too much of them to expect that they have either the self control to prevent or stop it when it’s in full swing. I think it’s better to allow the tantrum to happen and address it later when he is calm, giving him ideas for coping skills before he erupts. Again, he’s 3, it’s too much to expect for him to exercise these things, but it’s a long learning process.

and this exchange:

usually it goes like this,
"Kid, do you want to put your socks on yourself or shall I help you?"
"Nope."
"Well we need to go school now so have to put socks on."
"I'm not going school."
"You have to go to school. Do you want to put the socks on or shall I do it?"
"Nope."
"OK I'm going to put them on"

I don’t think it’s fruitful to have these long back and forths with a toddler. He was being uncooperative from the very start so he gets no more chances. After the first ‘nope’, you calmly take him by the hand to put his socks on. If he gets violent you force the socks on him. He then learns that being uncooperative from the start does not her his way, the tantrum does not get his way, and therefore getting his socks on is an unpleasant experience.

I read an article recently about NOT giving toddlers too many choices, and it made so much sense to me. Choices are touted a lot for toddlers who have a problem with control or wielding their power. Too many choices give them more power than their little minds can cope with – especially if they are the power hungry type. Give them one choice and that’s it.

Pick your battles.

He doesn't need to be forced onto a potty. So if he says he doesn't need it, accept what he says.

With the socks example, I'd have said OK then, shoes on without socks. If he refused shoes too, then walk out of the house without them on. Soon enough he'll learn that outside ground isn't nice for feet. Natural consequences are best.

So for example child doesn't want to put socks on..

I wouldn't give a choice of who does it if you can help it, I would say shall mum put on these ones or these socks so he chooses the socks, or do one each, see who can get it on first, if he does want to do it himself but doesn't in the allocated time then he needs to walk to the car barefoot no socks and put them on on the car - I have 100% has to do this with shoes for one of my children before!

Sticker reward chart, make it a race of who can get their socks on first (this works extremely well for my daughter who never wants to go to bed... all I have to say is I'm going to win - the race to the bathroom to brush teeth and she's halfway up and forgotten the tantrum she was about to have) distraction of the best thing but I know you've probably tried most things!

I think you have to pick your battles. If he wets himself because he ignored your reminder he wets himself. Once my children were trained they took themselves off. I think a a small step and one of those seat fittings for children so they don't fall in gives them independence. There is no way I would spend an hour remonstrating with a child to use a potty. Just make sure that they have clothes that they can undo themselves - elastic waists are good.

Our eldest used to have epic tantrums at three. My husband tried to reason with him and jolly him out of them. The tantrum rate increased. I lowered the boom on both of them and said we were going to do things my way. If he had a tantrum he was ignored - just totally ignored - and we moved to another part of the house. I realise that you might not have the space to distance physically but you can just ignore him while he is carrying on. It is really quite hard work having a tantrum - you have to keep up the screaming, kicking on floor and so on. If nobody is paying any attention, it starts to look like a lot of effort for very little gain.

If you want to go to the loo, and he has a tantrum, just ignore him.

I have never used time out. A child who is really upset is not going to stay somewhere quietly reflecting on their behaviour. Or at least mine wouldn't have.

I agree if he is not dressed or misses breakfast, just take him as he is. One morning leaving the house in pyjamas will probably cure him. You can take his clothes in his bag so he get dressed after he arrives at school.

Try some compliments about behaviour you want to encourage. You may have to dig deep for this. I was once reduced to commenting to my challenging child that they were very good at finding the shortest fastest supermarket queue. Strangely, they were very proud about this and always wanted to choose the queue. Yes, there are outings that are not going to be productive.

I read an article recently about NOT giving toddlers too many choices, and it made so much sense to me.

I agree. Choices are exhausting, even for adults. I think they call it decision fatigue.

And I agree he simply didn't need the toilet.

I think op is parenting by rules rather than instinct.

She had a bee in her bonnet that ds must go to the potty before dinner. Why? Just because, that's her rule.

Most kids do a distinctive hoppity hop dance when they need to go. Just look out for that instead.

One other thing, when a very young child is really articulate then everyone, parents including, tend to assume they are developed in all areas.

However, just because a toddler can talk about flowers doesn't mean they can explain and talk about their feelings or cope with being involved in choosing etc.

Remember to treat him like a little child. Many toddlers can never have enough of their parents and certainly can't occupy themselves..some can but many can't.

Remember he's only three