Raving?!? au pair problems

[Needaholidaay]

Hi

Name change. My kids are older -teenage - and we have an au pair who is well treated and paid and the kids do love her even though they think they’re too old to have an au pair. I want help still because 2-3 times a week I’m back from work at 7:30pm and for those 2-3 days she is around and able to see what’s going on and make dinner and make sure they’re not coming back to an empty house. She also brings a fun energy to the house and big sister vibe to my kids, one of whom is very attached and who has had some massive challenges. I’m a single parent.

Au pair is brilliant with kids, good cook and very intuitive. She does however drink way too much on a weekend - lost phones/smashed glasses/general oblivion and I have suggested she takes better care of herself but also she’s 20 and so I write it off as being like at college and being a bit daft. She did ask to bring a new boyfriend around a few months ago when the kids were at their dad’s (rare occurrence) but I said I didn’t want men I don’t know in the house or any visitors without meeting them and for then it was a no but if it became a longer term relationship and I had met him we could revisit that and we’d have to set boundaries on that. He hasn’t been mentioned since. She is always talking about men she’s chatting up at the weekends so no idea if he’s on the scene or not.

Me and kids are away and au pair has stayed at home for the week (for which she is being paid normal wage and dog sitting wage on top). I have a ring doorbell. I had some alerts at 3am so I looked back. Basically at 3am she got a deliveroo and the dog escaped through the front door and ran away. A shirtless man ran out after it and caught my dog and brought it back (thank god!). When I went back and looked at the ring footage there is no record of him coming into the house but there is of her and the dog (and her looking quite pissed). It’s weird but I’m thinking she must be going in and turning off the WiFi before letting the man in. Obviously when the dog escaped they didn’t have time to do that.

There is also a record of him coming to the door and her handing him something that could be a packet of drugs but maybe now I’m over thinking and it’s a bag of tea. I’d guess it’s the former and she might be a bit of a stoner in hindsight. I think this was recorded as it triggered the motion sensor but she probably didn’t realise it was because he didn’t ring the bell. (she could be a bit of a stoner or just being 20 - basically most days she doesn’t surface till midday).

She also left the dog for 6 hours one day which is longer than usual albeit he’s a good dog and would be ok probably for that long as a one off. I had said to her that if she needed to leave him for the day she should message my friend who will dog sit cover for us.

We are away for another 6 days. My best friend is away, my two usual dog sitting friends are unwell, my ex husband is angry because honestly he’s an arse, my family are miles away so I don’t really have anyone to pop around. I am worried she’s going to go on the lash again today with the dog in tow across London. I am worried about randoms in my home. I hate being lied to and I don’t know if my theory on her turning off the WiFi is right. But we are in another country so short of cutting the holiday short (which I really don’t want to do as we need it) I am at a loss as to what to call and say or message her with as I’m not there if she reacts badly.

My best friend says just ignore the ring doorbell and what the eyes don’t see the heart don’t grieve and wait to talk to her but I’m now worried for dog and for her and for jewellery etc in my house or someone leaving a door open. What should I do until I return please? If this indecision sounds pathetic then I understand as it feels pathetic, It’s hard being on holiday as a single parent and I just want to keep the peace and have a nice time but this has made me feel sick with worry this morning.

Thanks for getting this far.

But she’s not in her time off - she is in employed time, house and dog sitting for which she is under contract and receiving pay. If she wants to party, she should take a week off using her holiday entitlement and go home to parents/stay with boyfriend/rent an air BnB. There is no circumstance in which she is entitled to have people in her employer’s house in their absence and without permission. None.

seems that its time for her to go. I would think what you plan to do re childcare but in the meantime I would give her a phone call reminding her that you can see what is occuring while you are away. I would just worry she will clear off leaving the dog alone and house unattended.

I had au pairs for many years - many, many years as large age gaps in my children. We used to go as you have done now, leaving au pop sir in the home to pet sit (and pay). But, I had locks on bedroom doors and did not heave out any valuables, bank statements, credit card info etc. hard liquor in locked cabinet (this always precaution - my siblings and I used to raid our parents’ stash so I used my own history as cautionary take!)

all au sours had house rules before accepting position and your boundaries were in our house rules. Of course, drinking on nights off I had no say over.

so you’re not unreasonable on any of those things but do protect your things better going forward. Including a small safe screwed into the wall in a closet or other out if the way location, in a room that gets locked while you’re away.

nor are you unreasonable to be worried. She’s bringing fine random guy in to your home

don’t confront her now. You don’t know what might happen and you’re still away.

what I would do is start contacting her each day to ask how things are going, how’s the dog because you miss him so much, can she FaceTime him so you can se him? Be soppy about the dog. Then ask her about her plans in general chit chat way. Ask her when you can ring back next day (stipulate morning or afternoon - “what time can I FaceTime tomorrow afternoon to catch up and see sparky?” for FaceTime with the dog

Evite you think I’m crazy, my dog sitter sends me photos and videos a few times a day of my dog. She FaceTimes me when I’ve indicated I’d be free. I didn’t ask for this. It’s sort of her service and offers dog sitting.

best of luck!

Can’t think of anything worse than having a stoner teenager left alone in my home. I wouldn’t settle for a minute. She’s got an extremely cushy job basically cooking tea a couple of nights a week. Your kids can take care of themselves now. And as for paying her extra to look after the dog! Are you mad?! The kids aren’t even there and she has one dog so gets extra money. You obviously have more money than sense.

I would send a simple text “There’s been some unusual activity on the doorbell we need to discuss when I’m home”. Thats enough to get her to buck her ideas up immediately but you aren’t getting into a debate on holiday

Can she see your ring door bell?

If not, I would send her a cryptic message - something about "Just checking the dog is OK because neighbour mentioned seeing it at X in the morning but I am guessing she is mistaken".

Something which triggers her to worry what you know - but not enough that she is clear you are mad at her so she might do a runner. Enough to get her thinking she needs to act better this last week.

That's exactly what an au pair is though,just someone to cook tea and keep an eye on the the kids/house for a couple of hours and run a few errands. They shouldn't be treated like anything more than an older daughter looking after siblings.

I get their value for small children but for teenagers, no. It’s a cleaner OP needs not or a housekeeper. Paying a 20 year way over minimum wage to ‘babysit’ is just crazy. Even more so when it’s a pay rise just for a dog! 😂

She's taken advantage of your trust and good nature. Time to say goodbye or release her from holiday duties and ask someone else to step in for holiday week. She's not trust worthy sadly.
Tell her you know she lost the dog and had a man in the house.. ie you're on to her.

Unless you have other reason to distrust the girl, you are panicking a bit here (understandably as you so far away). She's probably sneaked the boyfriend in through the back door rather than interfering with the wifi and that's the only rule you know she has broken. The drug taking/supplying is all speculation.It depends how much of a deal breaker the no visitor rule is when deciding whether to end her employment but if she is generally of good character then you could be cutting off your nose to spite your face if she is otherwise helpful and reliable. Getting drunk in her own social time is not really your concern so long as she is not doing anything criminal or damaging as a result. The reasonable adult thing would be to phone or message to let her know you've seen the boyfriend on the ring doorbell and ask how the dog is. Then you can gauge from her response how concerned to be. If you have trusted her with your house and kids up to now your gut must have been telling you she is generally decent and reliable?

Definitely speak to her op and read her the riot act! You've been more than good to her but ultimately she's putting your kids home at risk ie drunk, stoned falls asleep with something electrical on or a cigarette in hand.
Also risk of strange men in house who could take anything from your house.
These things do happen.
You told her no to men in the house and she has disrespected you by ignoring you
If she believes your're serious and may lose her job she will stop. If she thinks you're a pushover she won't.
I would be telling her that if you even suspect the WiFi has been turned off shes out. Same goes for taking the dog out drunk.
She should not be causing you any stress while on holiday and the fact that she is shows there's something badly wrong here

Don't deal with this whilst you are away. When you get back give her notice. If possible and pay her notice but ask her to leave sooner, although she will need time ro get new accomodation. You can mention what you saw, or just say that you don't need her anymore due to kids being older. If you don't like confrontation then I'd go with the latter.

She sounds like she has a great gig. Why are you paying her normal rate plus dog sitting when she doesn’t have normal jobs to do and has left the dog for 6 hours? How old is your youngest child? Is she worth the hassle, sounds like she doesn’t respect your boundaries.

OP confirmed they’re 12 and 15 in one of her posts

I might be alone in this but I don't really think she's done anything that bad. Sure, she's had a bloke over but you and the kids aren't there so what? She sounds like a normal 20 year old and if she's a good au pair and kind to the kids this stuff doesn't really matter. Your friend is right: if you didn't have the ring doorbell you'd be none the wiser.

I don't think you are going to be able to relax so I would text. Text rather than call as you might say something you regret on impulse. Say the 'ring' has showed some worrying things. That the dog has been left too long by himself and that security has been a bit lax. Don't mention the man. She will work that out by herself and tbh its not the worse thing.

No if you are an au pair you are entitled to holiday time in the hosts house. That is where she lives.

The parallel Universe of Mumsnet strikes again 😵‍💫

An AuPair for a 15 and 12 year old? Is that to prepare the heirs for the life of leisure where there's domestic staff always on hand & random entourage of paid-for people ensure the house doesn't feel large and empty?

I loved a chance for an empty house at 10, at 12, at 15 and still do! What a shame to engineer away that time of relaxation, silence and just being pure self. No matter what I might find strange about the situation, this would be my most important consideration.

At 15 I hitchiked 😱 to a music festival with a mate. So if anyone was raving - it was me!
At 20 I had a serious career job going, part time Uni and I would still manage to go on a lash and turn up worse for wear the next day. It's funny to think I could have been a "bad influence" on teenagers.

There's a wiff here from some posters of 'upstairs-downstairs' where the "bad influence" is from the downstairs, of course. The lowest paid employees are the sort who "will trash the house", right?
Well, I can say with a definite knowledge that unearned wealth combined with reduced responsibilities, brings about a unique level of debauchery in the homes that have an "upstairs" kind of life. A 20 year old going drinking on her days off, will quickly pale in comparison.

No, I wouldn't like someone sneaking people into my home without permission.
No, I wouldn't like it if a dog sitter would leave the dog for 6h.

Assuming you can afford it OP, get a proper dog sitter, get a cleaner and get the 15 year old responsible for making some simple meals a couple of times a week.
That's what I would do, but I like a simple life like that.

She hasnt really done anything wrong. But as usual MNers think paying someone a low wage means you can dictate everything they do when not working. They want to own au pairs as if they are a slave.
She brought a boyfriend into the house while you are abroad. You could have anticipated this. Its normal behaviour. She goes out drinking. Again normal behaviour.
You have decided though she might be taking drugs just because she sleeps in late. Really!! And that she must be turning off the wi-fi - surely you can check that easily enough?
I mean if you want a 20 year old au pair who does not drink alcohol or have boyfriends maybe state that in your advert.

The only thing I would do is say you noticed she left the dog alone for 6 hours. But you needed to state a maximum number of hours beforehand, not just say if you go out for the day you will get a dog sitter. Six hours could easily be 1 to 7pm and she will think well I didnt go out for the day. Clear communication always helps. So dont leave the dog alone for longer than 4 hours for example.

But she hasn’t been given holiday leave - she is HOUSE SITTING on full pay and being paid extra to Dog sit. She is actively in employment. 🤦🏽‍♀️

It all boils down to whether you trust her or not.
Imagine for a second that she is your 20 year old daughter. Would you see all of it with the same harshness/worry?
As someone who’s worked as an Au Pair I can tell you that, when it all fits well for both sides, you feel like you’re part of the family. Remember that she’s only young, she’s away of her country and only doing this when the “kids” are not around.
I’m not saying don’t be pissed of about the shirtless guy and you can talk to her when you’re back…but the rest? Dog escaping is an accident, and the drinking on the weekend and smoking…come on, she’s 20 and not putting anyone in danger.
Being an AuPair can’t be seen as a pure job, it’s unrealistic, it’s part job, part life experience. Which is also the reason why the vast majority of times salaries are much lower than those of a child minder or a nanny, doing exactly the same job, just without having the formal qualification.
All in all enjoy your well deserved holidays, try to not overthink and call her to check if she’s OK (you can mention camera going off at 3 AM so you were worried).
And if you decide to dismiss her, please give her some help to relocate…I can’t believe all the snarky comments from some people here! It’s not easy being on your own in a foreign country, believe me. All the best 💐

What does house sitting entail when you actually live there?
She is dog sitting. OP said not to leave the dog alone all day. A very vague instruction. The Au pair has gone out for 6 hours which I suspect the au pair does not see as all day, but OP is interpreting as all day.

I agree with this.
The snarky comments are because some MNers think if they pay someone they own them in their free time as well. They want an au pair paid low wages, who is Mary Poppins with the children, and silent but pleasant the rest of the time. Preferably someone who when not working either sits silently in their room, or goes long walks until bed time.
If you placed an au pair advert and said no drinking alcohol or boyfriends in your time off, you would get zero takers. But somehow some people think they have the right to apply these rules.

Your kids don't need a 20y/o who drinks too much as a role model. They'll be fine by themselves for a couple of evenings a week. I think if you decide that with the new term it's not something you need moving forward then you can end without bad grace.

The OP posted twice on the morning of the 3rd, it's the 5th now, I'm sure she's decided what she wants to do about it by now, but whatever, she's clearly not interested in any posts.