Raving?!? au pair problems

[Needaholidaay]

Hi

Name change. My kids are older -teenage - and we have an au pair who is well treated and paid and the kids do love her even though they think they’re too old to have an au pair. I want help still because 2-3 times a week I’m back from work at 7:30pm and for those 2-3 days she is around and able to see what’s going on and make dinner and make sure they’re not coming back to an empty house. She also brings a fun energy to the house and big sister vibe to my kids, one of whom is very attached and who has had some massive challenges. I’m a single parent.

Au pair is brilliant with kids, good cook and very intuitive. She does however drink way too much on a weekend - lost phones/smashed glasses/general oblivion and I have suggested she takes better care of herself but also she’s 20 and so I write it off as being like at college and being a bit daft. She did ask to bring a new boyfriend around a few months ago when the kids were at their dad’s (rare occurrence) but I said I didn’t want men I don’t know in the house or any visitors without meeting them and for then it was a no but if it became a longer term relationship and I had met him we could revisit that and we’d have to set boundaries on that. He hasn’t been mentioned since. She is always talking about men she’s chatting up at the weekends so no idea if he’s on the scene or not.

Me and kids are away and au pair has stayed at home for the week (for which she is being paid normal wage and dog sitting wage on top). I have a ring doorbell. I had some alerts at 3am so I looked back. Basically at 3am she got a deliveroo and the dog escaped through the front door and ran away. A shirtless man ran out after it and caught my dog and brought it back (thank god!). When I went back and looked at the ring footage there is no record of him coming into the house but there is of her and the dog (and her looking quite pissed). It’s weird but I’m thinking she must be going in and turning off the WiFi before letting the man in. Obviously when the dog escaped they didn’t have time to do that.

There is also a record of him coming to the door and her handing him something that could be a packet of drugs but maybe now I’m over thinking and it’s a bag of tea. I’d guess it’s the former and she might be a bit of a stoner in hindsight. I think this was recorded as it triggered the motion sensor but she probably didn’t realise it was because he didn’t ring the bell. (she could be a bit of a stoner or just being 20 - basically most days she doesn’t surface till midday).

She also left the dog for 6 hours one day which is longer than usual albeit he’s a good dog and would be ok probably for that long as a one off. I had said to her that if she needed to leave him for the day she should message my friend who will dog sit cover for us.

We are away for another 6 days. My best friend is away, my two usual dog sitting friends are unwell, my ex husband is angry because honestly he’s an arse, my family are miles away so I don’t really have anyone to pop around. I am worried she’s going to go on the lash again today with the dog in tow across London. I am worried about randoms in my home. I hate being lied to and I don’t know if my theory on her turning off the WiFi is right. But we are in another country so short of cutting the holiday short (which I really don’t want to do as we need it) I am at a loss as to what to call and say or message her with as I’m not there if she reacts badly.

My best friend says just ignore the ring doorbell and what the eyes don’t see the heart don’t grieve and wait to talk to her but I’m now worried for dog and for her and for jewellery etc in my house or someone leaving a door open. What should I do until I return please? If this indecision sounds pathetic then I understand as it feels pathetic, It’s hard being on holiday as a single parent and I just want to keep the peace and have a nice time but this has made me feel sick with worry this morning.

Thanks for getting this far.

I think everyone needs to calm down about the dog? There is no evidence that she has been abusing the dog? She left it for a bit longer than the OP ideally likes, but OP doesn't seem unduly worried.

As for her drinking - I am no fan of heavy drinking and don't drink at all myself - but providing the woman isn't drinking or intoxicated when looking after the children, I don't think OP is in a position to object to this? And a lot of young people (and indeed older people) do drink to excess in their time off - their employers don't get to police that.

There is literally no evidence that she is using drugs in the house from what OP says.

She HAS gone against OP's express request by bringing a man into the house when asked not to. OP has every right to be upset about that.... Whether she sacks the woman for it, or just warns her, is up to her.

But to assume the man and the au pair will go on a drug-fuelled rampage, thrashing the house and abusing the dog, is somewhat hysterical......

As for the "terrible influence on your children" - the kids are, sadly, going to come across people who drink heavily, whether or not OP sacks this woman.
The idea that the 20 year old sets a bad example by having boyfriends is frankly bewildering....

OP, you are right to be upset she had the man round, but there is absolutely no reason to assume he will harm your house and your dog. I am concerned that you are engaging in catastrophic thinking (totally understandable - you are on holiday on your own with two teens, which can be stressful in itself without all of this!) and that some of the posts on this thread will just fuel that.

If you look calmly at the facts - this is a woman you have trusted to look after your kids and who, by the sounds of it, has done a very good job with that - why assume she will suddenly morph into a house-wrecking she-demon simply because she sneaked her fella in while you were away?

It will all be ok. You don't need to panic. Anything COULD happen, yes. The house could burn down in your absence too. But it probably won't.

I would do this:

1. Text or call to say Hi just checking in, hope [dogs name] is ok, just a reminder if yr struggling for time to call on one of tbe contacys I have you as dont want him leaving too long especially in the heatwave etc.

1. On return have a one to one and catch up with her. Dont let on, but ask her directly...

A) how things were when you were away B) was the dog left for long on any occasion C) did she have anyone in the house

If she lies, give her notice. Because then she is untrustworthy and has taken advantage.

This. I was an au pair and I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing this. I didn’t have a dog to look after and my employers did allow my now DH to stay for a few days when he was visiting and they were on holiday, but we’d been together for over 2 years by then. I wouldn’t have dreamed of sneaking someone in. The heavy drinking is a problem as well. I wouldn’t want that in my house.

This! ⬆️

If I'm unpicking this correctly, you pay this young woman to live in your house & all she has to do is keep your kids company for a couple of hours a day & cook the odd meal?! That's it?? Where can I sign up??

And you're paying her dog sitting money at the minute on top of her normal money when she's not actually doing ANYTHING?!?!

I think for now, the important thing isnot to have a big bust up or for your dog to suffer in any way, so I would text:

"hi X, hope you're having fun. Just a reminder that it's very important that the dog is not left longer than 3 hours, is walked for at least hour a day, and that you keep a close eye whenever the door is open or he's off leash. And don't forget, no visitors please. We're having a great time here, see you soon."

That way you haven't actually told her you know, and she will suspect but not know for sure that you do. Could be neighbours telling you if so, she won't be sure. The important thing is that you've not smashed the relationship which might cause her to do something silly.

Then deal with it properly when you get back.

Say nowt until you get back.

If you really piss her off theres nothing to stop her fucking off and abandoning the dog, or nicking your dog. Nothing at all.

Sensible post, thestudio.

I would work out how much money a week / month / year you’re going to save on paying her / buying her food etc and have a think about what you’re going to spend it on..
More days out at the weekends with the fam, Hello Fresh so your teens can learn how to cook / nice convenience food
when you know you’re working, a lovely
dog sitter. You’ll get your space back and peace of mind not worrying about her..

I would get rid of her. An au pair is a form of employment, it isn’t your niece or your own child to tolerate that.

I would be especially pissed off at her bringing men to the house after you told her its not ok. But also getting totally pissed and possibly stoned - are you for real?? Why do you think its ok? She is not at student halls!

I couldn't have someone in my home who I didn't trust. She'd be gone if it were me.

If you call her and she flounce are you in a position to hire a temporary house sitter/nanny on a day rate? Costly but could be a contingency.

Spot on

Your away now, leave it until you get back. She's behaving the way alot of 20 year old would tbh.

As for the "terrible influence on your children" - the kids are, sadly, going to come across people who drink heavily, whether or not OP sacks this woman.

But it's a completely different thing, kids "coming across" heavy drinkers, and having a heavy drinker employed by your mother in a position of responsibility over you.

And a lot of young people (and indeed older people) do drink to excess in their time off

It's not her time off. She's being paid, generously, by op for dog sitting and house sitting.

I agree with all this. Touch base by text to mention the dog. Sit down for a face to face for the rest. Try to enjoy the rest of your holiday.

This is part and parcel of having an au pair in London. We’re past that stage now (although have kids a similar age to yours) but being in London does attract the party girls. I’ve had it all. Boys snuck in, being woken up at 3am on a weekend because the pissed au pair has lost her keys, clothes/shoes of mine being “borrowed” or even stolen whilst I’m away, smoking in bedroom, hung over, passing out on sofa in living room half undressed next to half eaten kebab (lovely scene to wake up to on a Sunday morning!).

By and large they were all adorable with my children so I put up with it. I’m with your friend, don’t look at Ring. What you don’t know won’t hurt you and as she’s not minding your children right now, it doesn’t matter what goes on.

It’s stressful having an au pair, especially if they are a party girl, which is why once the kids were in senior school we stopped having them. You don’t need one anyone so I’d probably just let her go on that basis when you get back.

I wouldn’t leave my dog with someone who had let him escape, if no-one to go and get the dog then I’d phone the au pair and say you had a notification on the camera and you saw your dog escape. Ask her not to be drunk in charge of the dog! Or don’t pay her

@Needaholidaay Get shot of her.

Turning off the Wifi is so bloody sly.

Your poor dog.

A lovely chap I know was dog sitting, {long before ring cameras were a thing} brought a random 'date' round from a dating app... and a music device {I pod?} was stolen.

Another mum of 4 children found out her supposedly nice middle class baby sitter has been snorting drugs in her house.

The risk to your children and dog is too much.

She needs her own living space.

A rural living friend paid for a house sitter, but the sitter left the dog for 12 hours overnight - neighbours heard him howling and the sitter's car wasn't there.

It's a minefield.

This. I'd be frantic with worry at her careless disregard for the safety of dog and household.

It's London..she will be unlikely to have anywhere to flounce off to- rents are massive there.
But dog /house sitting.. it's not cheap.

I think this will have really spoiled your ability to relax and enjoy your holiday this week, so I'd probably end it, and go home. Then I'd sack her for gross misconduct (breaching rules regarding overnight guests). Then, once she's gone and locks have been changed, I'd rebook another holiday.

I wouldn't mention anything to her now as your home and dog are vulnerable without you there.

I wouldn't replace her as your children are old enough to not need an au pair.

She has abused your trust and your hospitality. She needs to go.

What does your contract say? If she's only on a week's notice, it might be better to give her that the day you return, tell her you'll pay her for the week and to go right away. Get some advice, just to make sure she cannot take you to a tribunal over anything.

Do you have the ring footage saved?

I disagree with all the people saying you do something immediately. I’d wait until I got back, you’ve no idea what she could do between now and then if she knows you know. She might be fine or she could do something unpleasant. You need to deal with it face to face.

This! Don't read her the riot act while you're away - she'll know you'll likely sack her when you get home so she won't be motivated to look after your dog and house properly until you get back. @Compash suggestions will keep her on her toes until your return.

I can imagine that having an adult in the house is very helpful if you're regularly out until 7:30, particularly as one of your DC has had some problems. When you get home, I'd suggest either looking for a more responsible au pair, or how about a lodger? You could choose one with a DBS certificate (ie teacher, nurse, social worker etc) for extra reassurance, and perhaps offer the au pair's room at below the market rate on the understanding that they agree to be home every Tuesday and Thursday (or whenever your late days are) and keep an eye on the kids/cook dinner for them.

The problem with au pairs is essentially you are looking after someone else’s teenager/youngster- and what you’re outlining sounds like a parent concerned about their (borrowed) child, home and its contents. I’d probably ask her for a quick call and ask how are things going, unless she has form for lying, she may well decide to be honest with you. I wouldn’t be too rash, this child has been part of your family for quite a while, if it were me I’d give her the benefit of doubt on this occasion- and reiterate the house rules. For example, she may have thought the no boys in house was relevant to the kids being home, not an excuse, but possibly a misunderstanding?

She'd be gone for me. When I think about what I got let go for when working as a nanny, 100% not justifed, I'm amazed if you keep her on.

I would stay quiet until you're home to protect the dog and your home. Unless you have someone who could take over immediately.