To think that too many parents don't equip there older teens for adult life.

[RedHillSunsets]

DD is awaiting her A-level results and should start uni in September. Some of her friends have already been in uni for a year. I left home at 18 to train as a nurse (pre uni courses) and had been taught to cook, budget and sort things out for myself in readiness for entering the adult world.
I have tried to ensure that DD is also prepared. She can drive, cook, and budget and has a current account, savings account, and LISA. She has had a part-time job since she was 15 and plans to continue working through uni as the job is in a field related to her degree. We discuss things like mortgages, income tax, NI, loans, credit cards, bills, and insurance as I think financial education is so important.
It shocks me how little financial awareness and basic life skills many of her peers have.

Did your parents teach you the life skills you needed and will you pass them on to your children?

I don't know if I'm alone on this but I find these threads really smug - people patting themselves on the back about what great parents they are compared to others. Most parents get some things right some things wrong
No you’re not alone. I was thinking that too.

That made me laugh!

I don't think my DCs are as savvy about self reliance and money as I was. My DM was a single parent. She was a teacher in the state sector and my DB and I were at private school which meant from a young age we were left at home during the holidays until DM broke up. From the time I was 6 and my DB was 11 we would cook for ourselves and do a bit of housework, sort out some laundry. And we understood a lot about budgeting as money was so tight in our household. My DSs are really clueless. DS1 thinks nothing of buying a fizzy drink and a sharer packet of chocolates every day on the way back from school. As well as unhealthy, he is spending close to £4 a school day on junk!! That's over £700 a year! I really must get on top of things. He has done two cooking courses for DofE bronze and silver though. So that's something.

Yes I was well prepared by my parents - learnt to cook, had savings accounts from an early age, my own budget for clothes, driving lessons, holiday jobs, did chores (reluctantly!) Etc.

Mine have had the same opportunities, more or less, though weren't as mature as I was, or think I was anyway, at the same age. And the pandemic hit at the wrong time for both to be either as independent as I was at their ages.

They've additionally travelled abroad a lot more and had a lot more access to cultural events - theatre, gigs, galleries etc than I did. (I never went abroad with my parents, but it was less common to do so then).

However they haven't left home yet and I don't see that happening any time soon which is fine by me, but they also don't earn enough to contribute significantly to the bills, so they aren't learning to stand on their own two feet as much as I did.

I was ill prepared for adult life. My DM never taught me anything about budgeting, very little about cooking or keeping a home. Thankfully I made it through most of my single life without going too far wrong (I absolutely blew through my salary and never had to budget as my job came with living quarters so I never had to pay bills, aside from my phone and car). DH now deals with the finances and I have got better at managing the house, and we make investment decisions together. I include my kids in meal planning, I am actively teaching them how to clean/look after household things, and we often cook from scratch together. I’m determined to not send them into the world as naive as I was.

I'm in my mid thirties and I constantly find myself thinking that I WISH my parents had given me the skills you mention: your daughter is very lucky to have you! I want to do the same for my daughters.

Budgeting and cooking (from ingredients) is something all kids should be taught; well done you for doing so. Not all parents do so. I wish I had done so better for my kids.
Lee Anderson MP said he had introduced budgeting and cooking at his foodbank as such skills were missing and sought by his foodbank users... the left went into meltdown!
Basical skills like these should be taught at school imo as some module mandatory for all kids. I'd add to that the basics of running a business as so many kids are entrepreneurial, from running hairdressers to being landscape gardners, and need these skills.

To some extent. My sister blames them for not preparing us - but she's in her 60s now and think she's just not very practical (she's a doctor and I've always thought of her as 'book smart but life dumb'). I did the usual thing of maxing out my first credit card and ending every month in the red during my early 20s - learned my lesson.
Anyhoo my DD is also off to uni this year. She's already done a month abroad (work experience) living with 14 others in a flat. She's experienced ruining her blouses in a mixed wash! She can cook and clean and is very frugal. Bills only vaguely aware of - she knows about utilities and phone but the other day I told her I pay council tax, car tax, parking permit, service fee, internet, mortgage, insurance for car/house/contents/travel/pets... learning about compound interest when discussing her student loan was a shock to her. But she's very sensible and as I said careful with money. I think she's better prepared than I was at her age. She went to sixth form in central London so well versed on public transport and her time abroad she became an expert!
My son (20) lives on his own and while he's always been able to cook, clean and iron, budgeting has been an issue! Living on eggs and tinned tuna last few days of the month is all too regular! We have sat down gone through it all but he's a spender and tends to treat himself when the pay check comes in.
But I do see with dismay, on WIWIKAU particularly, mums batch cooking meals for their kids to take with them to uni and basically continuing to parent as if their kids were still children, mentioning the loads of laundry they are doing for their kids etc; still making dentist appointments for them!
This reminds me I should give my kids a lesson in sewing - particularly DD who buys her clothes from charity shops and Vinted.
Of course kids will learn these things eventually, but a few basic things (toilets are not self cleaning, foods have an optimal use by date, don't mix whites and darks and wash at high temperature), will help make those first few months easier. Even getting up for class without relying on a parent might be a new and unwelcome experience! Some things they will only learn by doing.

I knew from friends that there was a good chance any attempt to 'equip older teens' was likely to result in wails of child abuse, neglect and laziness - and not necessarily from the kids, I'd heard said by fathers, particularly where they'd left the mums.

So I taught them from childhood - how to sort the washing, load and run the washing machine and dishwasher, do shopping, return faulty items, fix things -

'OK, the dishwasher's not draining and we know the pump's still trying to work from pressing and holding the button, we've already checked the filter and outlet on this side in case it's blocked - where could we look next? OK, so we're going to need what? A bucket or bowl to fit under there, screwdriver - what type? Flatbladed? Oh, towels, that's a good idea, just in case - and something pokey in case there's gunk in the hose? Something like wire? Where do you think we'd find that?'

'The vacuum cleaner needs looking after as well, this is how it works, see where the hair's wrapped around - yes, I know it's your sister's hair because it's red, your hair is there too - so we carefully cut through it and unwrap the spinny bar minding fingers, that's done, now we check the sponge filter that gets washed and replace it with the clean & dry spare and never put one in that's wet - yes, it could go crackle-bang and we might die, oh Daddy didn't listen and tried doing where the dog's waterbowl was? And he got a shock off the metal tube? Yes, he does say words like that sometimes, I expect it hurt or frightened him a bit'

'We're going to put some new flooring in the bathroom, so we're going to need to know how big a piece we need - can you measure it? OK, we need it in both types of measurement just in case. How much extra do you think we need just in case it's not quite straight? That's a small piece compared to the rolls - we can get something called an offcut or end of roll. <gets offcut home> It's not very flexible, but how about if we make it warm on the edge with something - yes, my hairdryer would do that safely - and then it'll bend into the edge so I can cut it'

• and cooking. To include cleaning as you go.

Meant that once they entered the teenage stage, they couldn't help but already know the basics.

These threads are weird. Why compare? If you think you did a great job just be happy about that, it's not necessary to look down on others.

My parents were hopeless at things like that (the teaching I mean). Was never allowed to cook as; “You’ll waste ingredients we can’t afford”. Wasn’t allowed to be a waitress with my friend at her relatives company; “You’re only 13, it’s illegal”, so instead of being in a nice, warm function room with adults supervising for about £20 per shift, I was made to do a weekly evening paper round in the cold and dark for sometimes as little as £4 per week.

Never allowed to use washing machine as “It’s quicker just to do it my bloody self”. But I’ll moan that I have to do everything and you’re useless anyway.

When I was wanting money for clothes, make up etc as I got into the last couple of years at high school it was “You’ll have to get a job”. I was already 3/4 years behind my school friends experience-wise as most of them had been working since 13/14. My parents had no clue and they are intelligent people, they just had no clue.

We never had money really, mum was SAHM, to be fair there weren’t the childcare options that there are today; 1 nursery where we lived which only let you go if you were going to attend the adjoining school and I think they only took kids from 3 at the time. Both surviving GPs were disabled and couldn’t do childcare for more than a couple of hours.

It did (and does still a bit) rankle that they would never borrow money to do something nice/give us (me & DB) a better quality of life. I don’t think they ever had debt, apart from their mortgage. DF would never buy from catalogues and pay bit by bit so we always had cheap clothes/trainers. Never any holidays abroad, never bought anything “just because”, always had to be birthday/Christmas/passing an exam.

I went the opposite way as an adult. Air Force 1’s? Doesn’t matter I’m not a ‘professional’ (DFs reason for us not ‘needing’ designer trainers), I’ll have 2 pairs. Can’t afford that? Never mind, got my overdraft. Want my nails done? Hell yeah! And I have had them done even when (shock! Horror!) I was unemployed.

That felt good! I guess there’s a balance somewhere….🤣

I had lots of Saturday/holiday jobs while at school and was more than capable of running a home, looking after (too many) younger siblings and running my mother's corner shop by the time I left. I remember however telling my mother that she was doing my two youngest siblings no favours by not giving them chores or encouraging them to get jobs. But they were boys of course.

This.

Did nothing with my son, more focused on helping him to rebuild his mental health. His resilience in managing life is far more important and what I’m proud of. He’s just come back from 3 months working abroad having taught himself to cook and save. Applied for uni and got it all sorted himself there too.

These things are easy to learn and best handled by young people themselves when appropriate. They don’t need hand holding to learn life skills. They have the internet and can teach themselves.Lecturing also makes them switch off.

One thing I really push in my house is independent engaging with others. I was shocked to see a friend recently order food for her 9 year old, she spoke over him then addressed the waiter, as if he was a baby.

If my 10 yr old wants a book not on the shelf, he must ask staff himself, if he wants to know where the toilet is, he asks. In a shoe shop recently we needed a different size, I told him he must approach the staff and ask, otherwise he couldn't get new shoes. Of my 3 kids one found this hard but we would rehearse in advance what words to use and she mastered it very quickly. Personally I think these social skills are most important ones.

We have a long way to go on other life skills, my eldest is really lazy and we argue a bit about chores, he is 16 and I need to focus more on cooking and general house stuff. Of course he will learn when he needs to but I think it takes a lot of stress away in adult life to have a bit of experience.

My DC used to love helping in the kitchen from being very young - started doing some chores eg washing up and tidying their rooms from 7/8
From 11 they had to do own ironing and make packed lunches
By 16 they were doing most of the housework (paid at market rates)
Learned to drive at 17 and paid for lessons and bought first car out of their savings earned by PT jobs in local shops
At university DS earned extra money by batch cooking and selling to his housemates - the only time he asked for help was when he rang me to ask me to help with the timings for doing a full Xmas dinner for 10 before they ended the first term

In hindsight I suppose I was taught things like this. We would have to help with chores of a weekend, we would always help my grandparents to make meals as they were both amazing cooks. My dad would show us his payslip and explain what a tax code and a NINO, things like that.

The problem is that in a functional home and family much of this stuff is absorbed rather than being specifically taught. Ours were opened bank accounts at 16ish and we transferred their allowance which they had to manage. The house was always clean and well maintained and their standards are high. Both at uni quickly found the concept of a service wash at the launderette. Both cook because they grew up with good food and watched me cooking. They started simple at home. They were London children so always confident on the tube, etc. By 17 they were more than capable of catching a flight alone or with a friend because they had done it several times with us.

We made them learn to drive. Neither much care for it and regard it as a necessary evil.

It was all a bit by osmosis though.

I was raised by a single mum who worked during the day so was pretty much running the house from the age of 12 or so. Paying bills, the evening meal would be my responsibility which id sometimes have to budget and shop for , hell I was even known to do the weekly shopping.

In all honesty it did me a massive favour, I've never had an issue with budgeting, it came naturally to me. Debt has always been a pointless concept, if I can't afford it I save until I can have it. (( by which point I've changed my mind half the time )) the only debt I've ever had was my mortgage which I'd paid off by the time I was 36 despite having a low income.....at the time I resented it but in all honesty my situation did me a massive favour. These are responsibilities we should be trusting our kids with.

Any 17 year old can catch a flight. It’s not hard. Rural kids rely on public transport more so I’m not sure being a London kid makes you better at these things.

Mine taught me nothing and were awful with money constantly in debt etc. I followed in these footsteps for many years getting in debt 3 times! But after the 3rd time i learnt how to budget and save and then i taught my kids the same. My eldest is in uni, drives, has a part time job, a monzo account where she saves for things she needs/wants, a LISA and she knows how to cook and how to cook on a budget including the extra boring stuff like checking unit prices!

As young teens we started becoming responsible for doing our own washing, cooking and meal for the family once a week, participating in the weekly chores (one week it would be cleaning the bathroom, one week the living room, one week mow the lawn etc)

I went to uni and a one of my male friends was surprised his female friends weren't prepared to do his washing!

My mum taught me how to cook over the years and ramped it up the summer I did my A-levels. I could drive though she was not at all keen on me driving her car. I had had a part-time job, current and savings account. I had no idea about mortgages or anything like that and the idea of getting on the property ladder was not something that ever entered my head at that age.

I think generally if you are intelligent enough to go to university then life skills are not hard to pick up along the way.

Nah, my 18 year old is bloody useless.

Clearly I'm not a perfect parent!

I don't know if I'm alone on this but I find these threads really smug - people patting themselves on the back about what great parents they are compared to others. Most parents get some things right some things wrong.

Spot on.