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Original poster

To secretly issue an ultimatum

70 replies

YogaForDummies · 03/08/2024 00:14

NC.
Posting here for traffic.
I have been with my boyfriend for alnost a year and the few times we've talked about the future have felt a bit strained. It's always been me who brings it up. We have both confirmed we'd like children at some point, but we have no solid.plans as to how we'd get there. After I brought it up the first time, he came back later with ideas of how we could live together at his (he owns a small place) or maybe we could have a home together some day. The first time I brought it up he said he'd like to have children and be with me for a long time but he doesn't want to get married. I didn't say much at the time, because after I'd brought it up I sensed there was some tension about the topic so it made me close myself off. I didn't tell him that I wouldn't want to have children without being married (I know I should have said so). But then at a later date, he hinted about marriage (although as part of general conversation) but didn't say anything specific about wanting to be married to me..

Since then, when I've brought it up he's mentioned a couple of times about living together and some basics about how it could work but we've never talked at length about it. At one point, I was offended as he suggested he might buy a house and we could live there together, then after a while if it worked out I could go on the mortgage too. I'm not saying I'd expect to share a mortgage the second I move in with someone (I currently rent) but I was insulted at what sounded basically like him saying 'I'm going to buy myself a home and allow you to live in it' (paying bills obviously). I have not expressed that this hurt me, I think at the time I just said 'you do know you can get extra paperwork to protect your deposit' etc but nothing really came of it.
I do not earn much money, I earn less than average but I am salaried, full-time and in a secure permanent job for the local council. I honestly find it offensive that he doesn't seem passionate about a future with me. Yes I am low paid but I'm also a good person and our relationship has been very good all the way through.

Would it be unreasonable to mark in my phone calendar a date by which he needs to bring this stuff up without me initiating it? If he doesn't, I will tell him at that point frankly that I don't see it working out in the long term and then begin to cool off so that I can date again. I'm thinking the end of September. Also I'm 33, so definitely around the age one starts to think seriously about these things.

OP posts:
Motheranddaughter · 03/08/2024 00:36

YANBU
You know what you want
Either he is up for it or he is not and at 33 the sooner you find out the better

SwingTheMonkey · 03/08/2024 00:54

Yeah I think that’s fair. It sounds like he’s stringing you along a bit so you’re best off calling it a day if he won’t make any moves to commit - you’re not a pair of teenagers.

Original poster
YogaForDummies · 03/08/2024 01:07

Thanks for your replies. It's hard to know everything he's thinking but I can't help but sense that he's wary about committing to a future with me, from reading other people's experiences it could be that part of him believes he might find someone more suitable (although we've both expressed many times that this relationship means a lot to us and we feel lucky) and/or he'd rather plan a future with someone who earns more than I do (he earns significantly more than me).
I'm by no means bothered about the money, to me it's just a means to an end. If he is looking down on me for that reason then I'd rather be with someone who earned similarly to me and share a modest life together.
Since I've been the one to bring it up, I also feel pur out. It feels like he believes he's the one holding all the cards when in reality it's not the case.

OP posts:
Lovingsummers · 03/08/2024 01:10

He doesn't sound all in. Could you have a conversation with him about the future of the relationship? If he's still wishy washy, then you can think again either now or in future. The disparity in income shouldn't really matter when making a commitment that is hopefully for life. Many couples have unequal earning power.

poetryandwine · 03/08/2024 01:45

I agree with @Lovingsummers

When I was younger than you I stayed for too long with a guy who kept saying he loved me but wasn’t in love. When I would try to break it off he would hint that his feelings were growing towards marriage - glacially, it would appear - but could not be rushed. When I finally broke it off he told me what a mistake I was making because he was finally Almost There.

But it was the most amazing relief! I had been contorting myself to gain his approval. Turned out plenty of guys liked me fine, but that was actually the least of it. (Also when this idiot saw that he kept telling people we were getting back together -as if). FWIW I met DH after a couple of years and that was that, but even if I had stayed single, finding myself again made everything 1000x better.

I realise you haven’t asked about losing yourself and I applaud that. I think you need to keep a clear head to keep from going down that road. Your plan seems a pretty good one. My only suggestion is that even such a plan is more faff than a good relationship should be, and you are worth more. Best wishes

BaguetteLady · 03/08/2024 01:46

Woody Allen is a persona non grata now, but Annie Hall was a very funny and perceptive movie, and there's a line in it that goes, "A relationship is like a shark - it has to constantly move forward or it dies."
https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=999252000145804
It's been nearly a year with this guy and he's not making any noises about advancing the relationship in the way you want. Tbh, I think you could start cooling it off now.

HollyKnight · 03/08/2024 02:16

It's clear that the sees you as "lesser" and so he thinks he has all the power in this relationship to decide what you will just have to accept. It is not a good dynamic. Personally I wouldn't give him the chance to change his mind because I wouldn't want to be with someone who thinks so little of me. He wants a breeder, not a partner. No thanks.

Kitkatcatflap · 03/08/2024 02:33

I agree with the above poster he doesn't sound 'all in' to a future with you. It's as if he is keeping you on the back burner just in case. Has he been married before, badly hurt or ripped off.

Maybe it's time.to.let this one go. Of he is not feeling now - find someone else who does.

Edingril · 03/08/2024 02:35

I would say if you have to give someone an ultimatum or even think it, is it really worth it anyway?

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/08/2024 02:59

End of September is two months away - yes, that looks reasonable to me. Although, given that you already sense that "he's wary about committing to a future with me" I wonder if it wouldn't be better to just rip the plaster off and do it this week.

Delphiniumandlupins · 03/08/2024 03:16

I don't think he is necessarily stringing you along but he obviously isn't yet committed to a future with you. Whether he will be in 2 months seems unlikely tbh

DeepRoseFish · 03/08/2024 03:38

At 33 I'd be very direct and clear with him what you want and when. Don't waste any more of your precious time on someone who appears to be stringing you along.

Wtafdidido · 03/08/2024 03:49

It has only been a year. Very early days. You have constantly been raising the idea of marriage so no wonder he is uncertain. Sounds like you are desperate to marry and he is keen to take his time and wants to be confident that you know each other well enough and have built a steady foundation for a long term future. I’m with him on this and you sound like you just want to get married asap. Desperation is not an attractive quality. You make no mention of love.

RawBloomers · 03/08/2024 04:09

You mention your low wage a few times as though you think it’s the sticking point. And it may be. Does he earn significantly more and/or have a significantly better career trajectory?

Do you think it’s possible he has, in a sense, his own secret ultimatum where he won’t commit at the moment because you don’t seem as interested in providing for the financial side of things? That’s what comes across to me (though obviously a thread on the Internet gives a very limited view of the situation).

If so, and you aren’t interested in improving your earning potential, I agree with those saying cool things now. Find someone who has the same view of life - who is happier with less money and doesn’t look down on you because you won’t keep up.

ZenNudist · 03/08/2024 04:10

You've been together less than a year and you are pressing to get married? I think that is too short a time to know if you want to commit to someone.

Codlingmoths · 03/08/2024 04:17

I think your approach sounds just right. He does sound lukewarm.

TwinklyNight · 03/08/2024 04:26

Get a few bridal magazines and maybe the lightbulb will turn on. But I get the feeling you are not madly passionately crazy over him anyways. You sound more sad than anything. Either he has put you off, or he isn't the one.

Choirreality · 03/08/2024 04:51

There is no way I’d be discussing marriage after a year. It’s still the honeymoon stage (usually) where they are on best behaviour.

If a man proposed after 12 months I’d run a mile.

LoveWine123 · 03/08/2024 05:05

You have only been together a year and you are already talking about giving him ultimatums to marry you? Silent ultimatums? And you expect him to put you on a potential mortgage of a house that you did not contribute to? As the thought of him not doing that is hurting you? I’d run a mile if I were him.

Aussieland · 03/08/2024 05:28

Tbh it all sounds like you are going through the motions and wanting “commitment” rather than actually worrying about the relationship.

I wouldn’t be buying a house with someone after a year either when I hadn’t lived with them and keeping finances separate at this point doesn’t sound terrible. I also wouldn’t be committing to children or marriage before living together. It sounds all very forced and unromantic

cavernclub · 03/08/2024 05:30

You need to have a brutally honest conversation with him to find his true intentions. It won't be easy and you need to be brave. Plan out in advance what you want to say and how you're going to say it (and what your plan is if you don't get the response you want). Good luck, really tough thing to have to do

Aussieland · 03/08/2024 05:34

HollyKnight · 03/08/2024 02:16

It's clear that the sees you as "lesser" and so he thinks he has all the power in this relationship to decide what you will just have to accept. It is not a good dynamic. Personally I wouldn't give him the chance to change his mind because I wouldn't want to be with someone who thinks so little of me. He wants a breeder, not a partner. No thanks.

This seems unfair. She isn’t the lesser. He just isn’t ready to promise marriage babies and a joint mortgage to her which seems entirely sensible tbh

GenderRealistBloke · 03/08/2024 06:03

Don't do silent ultimatums. Just talk openly with him and say the things you are thinking. Don't just think them silently and then hold things against him.

Hard to tell whether you should stay together or not. Neither of you seem particularly passionate about the other, from this small snippet (the reality may be different of course).

Tell him if you won't have children without marriage. That's an entirely reasonable position, and, looked at from his position, a pretty material fact to withhold from him in the conversation.

Mortgage? Also hard to tell. But he might even be thinking he's doing you a favour: not insisting you take on potentially hundreds of thousands of pounds of debt, still fairly earlyish in a relationship.

GenderRealistBloke · 03/08/2024 06:05

This bit is also odd:

I honestly find it offensive that he doesn't seem passionate about a future with me

Maybe he just isn't. That's part of the process of dating. It's not a flaw on either side and it's not an insult.

Meadowfinch · 03/08/2024 06:15

He doesn't want to share a life with you OP.

Not a shared home, or a shared mortgage or a shared marriage. He's looking for a convenient house keeper, on-tap sex and someone to pay half of the leccy bill, but he's not in love with you. You'll do until someone better comes along.

Stop wasting your time. If he was interested, he'd be trying to tempt you into a real partnership with him, He isn't. Front of his thoughts are how NOT to share a mortgage with you. I'm sorry