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Original poster

To secretly issue an ultimatum

70 replies

YogaForDummies · 03/08/2024 00:14

NC.
Posting here for traffic.
I have been with my boyfriend for alnost a year and the few times we've talked about the future have felt a bit strained. It's always been me who brings it up. We have both confirmed we'd like children at some point, but we have no solid.plans as to how we'd get there. After I brought it up the first time, he came back later with ideas of how we could live together at his (he owns a small place) or maybe we could have a home together some day. The first time I brought it up he said he'd like to have children and be with me for a long time but he doesn't want to get married. I didn't say much at the time, because after I'd brought it up I sensed there was some tension about the topic so it made me close myself off. I didn't tell him that I wouldn't want to have children without being married (I know I should have said so). But then at a later date, he hinted about marriage (although as part of general conversation) but didn't say anything specific about wanting to be married to me..

Since then, when I've brought it up he's mentioned a couple of times about living together and some basics about how it could work but we've never talked at length about it. At one point, I was offended as he suggested he might buy a house and we could live there together, then after a while if it worked out I could go on the mortgage too. I'm not saying I'd expect to share a mortgage the second I move in with someone (I currently rent) but I was insulted at what sounded basically like him saying 'I'm going to buy myself a home and allow you to live in it' (paying bills obviously). I have not expressed that this hurt me, I think at the time I just said 'you do know you can get extra paperwork to protect your deposit' etc but nothing really came of it.
I do not earn much money, I earn less than average but I am salaried, full-time and in a secure permanent job for the local council. I honestly find it offensive that he doesn't seem passionate about a future with me. Yes I am low paid but I'm also a good person and our relationship has been very good all the way through.

Would it be unreasonable to mark in my phone calendar a date by which he needs to bring this stuff up without me initiating it? If he doesn't, I will tell him at that point frankly that I don't see it working out in the long term and then begin to cool off so that I can date again. I'm thinking the end of September. Also I'm 33, so definitely around the age one starts to think seriously about these things.

OP posts:
Summerlilly · 03/08/2024 06:17

Correct me if I’m mistaken, but you’ve been together less than a year, you don’t live together and you are giving him a silent ultimatum to propose to you?

I know relationships in your 30’s do tend to move a bit faster, but you haven’t even managed a year.
I wouldn’t personally buy a house (and get in a life time of debt and messiness) with someone who I haven’t been with a year or even experienced living together.

If you want clarification on where your relationship is heading, then ask.
Just remember your relationship is in its infancy, maybe just suggest moving it together in the new year. Living with a partner is a whole new experience.

Parkmybentley · 03/08/2024 06:17

It's not rocket science. Stick or twist? At 33 you don't have time to waste faffing around with a man who isn't sure if you're the woman he wants to marry or not.

Just dump him and move on.

You will find someone who wants the same things you do and on the same timeframe.

Don't let the ticking clock trick you into marrying someone incompatible btw. It has to be a genuine connection to have any hope of making it last past the toddler stage..

ReluctantSwimMum · 03/08/2024 06:18

He's just not that into you.

Don't prolong your misery - if you're thinking like this now, if seems like you should just break up.

Pottedpalm · 03/08/2024 06:25

ZenNudist · 03/08/2024 04:10

You've been together less than a year and you are pressing to get married? I think that is too short a time to know if you want to commit to someone.

I disagree. At 33 you need to know where things are heading if the future you want for yourself includes marriage and children, In my experience men drag their feet for a reason, if the OP was the one he would have committed by now.

HollyKnight · 03/08/2024 06:27

Aussieland · 03/08/2024 05:34

This seems unfair. She isn’t the lesser. He just isn’t ready to promise marriage babies and a joint mortgage to her which seems entirely sensible tbh

Show quote history

I don't agree. She's 33 years old. She knows what she wants and she has communicated that. She wants to get married, own a home with her husband and have children. This man is willing to have children with her, but he doesn't want to get married and he doesn't want to buy a home with her. Men who genuinely believe in partnership do not treat the mothers of their children like lodgers and leave them financially vulnerable. That's how you treat someone you just want children from.

She has communicated what she wants and he has communicated that he is not interested in meeting those needs. This relationship is a waste of her time.

BookArt · 03/08/2024 06:29

Multiple conversations in the first yer about the future may just be too soon as its the honeymoon period.
However I do agree making sure you are both aligned. But you both aren't in a relationship that is ready for the next step. He isn't ready, he's told you that through actions and words. And you are unable to be open and honest with him about how you feel and what you want.
I was just like you in a relationship that sounds similar when discussing the future. He has told you, you can't change it. Listen. You know what you want. You don't match up.

Original poster
YogaForDummies · 03/08/2024 09:43

Thank you everyone for your replies, even those who might have misread or accidentally embellished the original post..I read them all and appreciate your input.
Just for clarification I'm not constantly bringing this up, it's cone up about 3 times and has never been a long conversation. But I'm unhappy with the dynamic I think, as some people have said. He says he wants us to have a future together but there's been little talk about the practicalities of it. I also would like to clarify that I don't expect all of this to happen very soon, it's more him showing interest or enthusiasm for it. It hasn't really happened, and it it doesn't happen soonish I think I'll have to leave it be. It's a shame because other than that, it's been my healthiest relationship and I do really love him.
As some have said I do feel 'less than' now. I feel that by being the first to talk about the future, and being in what most would see as the less advantageous position (earning and owning less). My salary is 28k just for further clarification. This relationship has made me feel insecure about these things.

OP posts:
LoveWine123 · 03/08/2024 10:33

She wants to get married, own a home with her husband and have children. This man is willing to have children with her, but he doesn't want to get married and he doesn't want to buy a home with her.

She wants all this, but is she capable of contributing financially to make it happen? Perhaps he is wondering how he will do all this and what she will be able to contribute. It’s not unfair for him to be considering the financial aspects of what progressing the relationship means. It’s all good and well she wants all of the above things, but has she initiated a conversation about how she is thinking this will work out financially and practically. Because that’s what marriage and kids mean. Will she contribute to the house deposit, will she help with the monthly payments, the bills? When the children come who will cover childcare, is she staying home or going back to work? There is a practical side to being married, having a house and children. She seems keen for him to buy a house and put her on the mortgage. She keeps mentioning she feels less than especially in terms of finances…what is she doing to improve her position? Or is she relying on him to make it all happen for her. There is no insight on this in the posts. These are not unfair questions of anyone (man or woman) to ask themselves when deciding to “have a future” with another person. And it is generally what needs to be discussed and agreed before deciding on proposals and giving ultimatums.

Original poster
YogaForDummies · 03/08/2024 10:44

LoveWine123 · 03/08/2024 10:33

She wants to get married, own a home with her husband and have children. This man is willing to have children with her, but he doesn't want to get married and he doesn't want to buy a home with her.

She wants all this, but is she capable of contributing financially to make it happen? Perhaps he is wondering how he will do all this and what she will be able to contribute. It’s not unfair for him to be considering the financial aspects of what progressing the relationship means. It’s all good and well she wants all of the above things, but has she initiated a conversation about how she is thinking this will work out financially and practically. Because that’s what marriage and kids mean. Will she contribute to the house deposit, will she help with the monthly payments, the bills? When the children come who will cover childcare, is she staying home or going back to work? There is a practical side to being married, having a house and children. She seems keen for him to buy a house and put her on the mortgage. She keeps mentioning she feels less than especially in terms of finances…what is she doing to improve her position? Or is she relying on him to make it all happen for her. There is no insight on this in the posts. These are not unfair questions of anyone (man or woman) to ask themselves when deciding to “have a future” with another person. And it is generally what needs to be discussed and agreed before deciding on proposals and giving ultimatums.

Edited

I would say the practicalities are not worked out because we have not talked about them. My initial post wasn't about that but about showing interest in a future in the first place. It's disheartening for me to be the one to bring it up and not get any enthusiasm in response. And it's disheartening to read that someone thinks on my salary I wouldn't be able to contribute enough to have a family. It's a shame because I have come from a very poor background and have come far when looking at that, but it's still not enough. My job also contributes a lot to society but I suppose that doesn't necessarily mean my life has any real value, since I don't have enough for a life of my own.

OP posts:
DeepRoseFish · 03/08/2024 13:19

Ignore that nonsense your earnings are absolutely fine. You are however in a relationship with a man that is making you feel less than. Ditch him

PerfectTravelTote · 03/08/2024 13:21

Stop wasting your time.

DeepRoseFish · 03/08/2024 13:21

And just to add - if he was the right man for you you wouldn't need to ask... the right man will move mountains to make you happy.

poetryandwine · 03/08/2024 14:07

Gosh, OP, 28K is def a decent salary. Not bucketloads but nothing to sneer out. If this guy has a problem with it, I see that as a further warning flag

FinallyMovingHouse · 03/08/2024 14:16

I still remember vividly having a conversation with my then BF when I was in my early 20s. I said that I wanted to marry and have kids by early 30s and he said, nope, 40s. I told him it wouldn't be with me then.
He was surprised (hadn't even thought about fertility!) but then no more was said. We broke up a while later and I married a man who was very clear in what he wanted re: family and who also wanted to do it soon. Never regretted that decision. It was our 29th wedding anniversary a couple of weeks ago.

2chocolateoranges · 03/08/2024 14:20

On one hand you’ve only been together for one year however I’d also want to know that we were both on the same page for our future, eg marriage, buying a house together, children etc.

if your vision doesn’t mirror his then you need to have a serious think about what compromises you can both make if you want to stay together, if not then you need to move on.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 03/08/2024 14:24

YABU to consider marriage and children with someone you aren't able to have a conversation about your future with.

LifeExperience · 03/08/2024 14:31

He may want marriage and children someday, but he's not sure he wants them with you. At your age I would cut my losses.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 03/08/2024 14:32

Do you rent at the moment OP? Rather than an ultimatum- I’d make an offer. Obviously he doesn’t want to commit to buying until he’s lived with you and sure it works (sensible- the way DH stacks a dishwasher nearly ended our relationship when we first moved in together), then how about offering to rent a place together, renting out his house for 6 months to see if you get on?

I also think you need to be clear of your timetable - eg “I want a baby by 35, and I want to be married before I have a baby, I don’t need you to get down on bended knee right now but obviously I’d prefer it if you don’t waste my time if this isn’t going anywhere for you.”

Original poster
YogaForDummies · 03/08/2024 18:39

Thanks for your replies, it seems that from the info I've given (have tried to be clear about everything) others are agreeing that it doesn't seem likely it will work out. I think once one party has shown a lack of interest it's natural for the other to start pulling back a bit, so I suppose that's what's happening now. Its not tesllt a decision as much as a naturak response i think.I certainly wouldn't be entertaining the idea of reentering the dating scene otherwise, especially since I love him. But in life sometimes you have to make difficult decisions like this. I'll give it a couple of months (which would take us to about 14 months) without bringing anything up myself, and if he is still lacking in interest I will tell him that it probably won't work out and even though it's been really nice it's not something i want long term.

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 03/08/2024 20:43

Sounds a good plan, OP.

vivainsomnia · 03/08/2024 20:52

You've only been together one year and you've already envision marriage and children with this man.

It is right that he should be cautious. I would advise my son to be so. How can he be certain that you love him deeply and want to spend your life together forever whatever it holds rather than having found a 'good one' to marry and have kids with.

You expect too much too early. It is perfectly reasonable to buy a house for himself and see how you fare living together before even consider sharing his investment in the property.

vivainsomnia · 03/08/2024 20:54

Such an ultimatum after only 14 months not even living together says it all. I would advise anyone threatened with such an ultimatum to run for the hill.

Original poster
YogaForDummies · 03/08/2024 21:13

To be clear, the ultimatum is to simply show enthusiasm for a future together, not to.specifically propose or buy anything together. I would be warybof that at this point, all I was hoping for was a serious discussion.

OP posts:
HollyKnight · 04/08/2024 00:11

It's not really an ultimatum. It's just a deadline for yourself.

Original poster
YogaForDummies · 04/08/2024 00:17

HollyKnight · 04/08/2024 00:11

It's not really an ultimatum. It's just a deadline for yourself.

Yes that's another way of putting it. I think what it boils down to is that I want a family in the future but I know that comes with many difficulties, so I need to feel he is serious and enthusiastic enough for it to work. In other words I don't want him to 'come around ' to the idea but to approach it with passion by himself. If that doesn't happen I can't see it working. It's hard to end relationships that are otherwise really good but once you find a incompatibility like this you naturally start to move on from it I think.

OP posts: