To secretly issue an ultimatum

[YogaForDummies]

NC.
Posting here for traffic.
I have been with my boyfriend for alnost a year and the few times we've talked about the future have felt a bit strained. It's always been me who brings it up. We have both confirmed we'd like children at some point, but we have no solid.plans as to how we'd get there. After I brought it up the first time, he came back later with ideas of how we could live together at his (he owns a small place) or maybe we could have a home together some day. The first time I brought it up he said he'd like to have children and be with me for a long time but he doesn't want to get married. I didn't say much at the time, because after I'd brought it up I sensed there was some tension about the topic so it made me close myself off. I didn't tell him that I wouldn't want to have children without being married (I know I should have said so). But then at a later date, he hinted about marriage (although as part of general conversation) but didn't say anything specific about wanting to be married to me..

Since then, when I've brought it up he's mentioned a couple of times about living together and some basics about how it could work but we've never talked at length about it. At one point, I was offended as he suggested he might buy a house and we could live there together, then after a while if it worked out I could go on the mortgage too. I'm not saying I'd expect to share a mortgage the second I move in with someone (I currently rent) but I was insulted at what sounded basically like him saying 'I'm going to buy myself a home and allow you to live in it' (paying bills obviously). I have not expressed that this hurt me, I think at the time I just said 'you do know you can get extra paperwork to protect your deposit' etc but nothing really came of it.
I do not earn much money, I earn less than average but I am salaried, full-time and in a secure permanent job for the local council. I honestly find it offensive that he doesn't seem passionate about a future with me. Yes I am low paid but I'm also a good person and our relationship has been very good all the way through.

Would it be unreasonable to mark in my phone calendar a date by which he needs to bring this stuff up without me initiating it? If he doesn't, I will tell him at that point frankly that I don't see it working out in the long term and then begin to cool off so that I can date again. I'm thinking the end of September. Also I'm 33, so definitely around the age one starts to think seriously about these things.

Just dump him. Nothing is going to change in 2 months and you're just waiting and hoping.

Even if he changes his mind, you'll be dragging him - up the aisle, into a home, kids, doing the lions share. Seriously, he actively doesn't want to marry you or put you on the mortgage because he is calculating that you are a risk to his money. He isn't some doe eyed Peter Pan who doesn't know the ways of the world.

He is playing the fool very well, hoping you'll slide into pregnancy, where you'll feel your hand is forced into moving in together(and of course no time to move and you can't possibly go on the mortgage when you are pregnant and going on maternity). Then you're part time because you earn less and so it's easier for your little wage to pay childcare and he can stay on the mortgage because he has the big man wage and you don't need to worry you're pretty little lady brain about it. And then marriage is just a piece of paper or you'll do it none day when he can afford to give you the Big Day You Deserve. Then suddenly you have 2 kids, do all the housework and childcare and wonder how the hell you ended up here and how can you leave when you can't afford your own place. And you aren't married. Aren't on the deeds.

How does that life look? I say this from a place of genuine concern. You deserve someone all in.

Well done OP, listen to your gut.
He's treating you like good enough for now girl.
Don't fall for it or pregnant.
He has one foot out the door as you do for now.
Move on.
He isn't good enough for you.

That's what hurts. I think everyone who is a nice person and wants these things deserves them and deserves security. Being denied it hurts because it's like being told you're not good enough. Luckily I'm the sort of person to get offended rather than desperate, which is why I can feel myself starting to hold back emotionally. It does feel like the beginning of the end.

Best of luck because if its not the end then this is the best he can offer you and you sound like you deserve more.

If you are considering a future you should be able to have these conversations openly and honestly.

I told DH that I wanted children and wouldn’t have them without being married on our first proper date.

I didn’t expect him to propose there and then but we needed to work towards it together which we did.

If you can’t sit and say all of the things you want and are concerned about without him being receptive to a discussion it’s not a relationship with legs.

why do you want to share the rest of your life with someone that you're not able to have a serious conversation with?

You've only been together one year and you've already envision marriage and children with this man.

Wnats your point? A year when you’re in your 30s is perfectly long enough to have gauged whether you see a future with someone. Op isn’t looking for her oh to propose in the next few months, she’s just looking for a sign that he also sees a future together. When you're in your 30s and you want to have a family, it’s stupid to hang around only to find out years later the person you’re with doesn’t have a shared vision of the future. It’s a waste of your time.

This is also a very good point.

If you need to calendar mark and issue ultimatums this isn’t the lasting relationship you’re hoping it would be.

This, OP, is very sensible :

"Would it be unreasonable to mark in my phone calendar a date by which he needs to bring this stuff up without me initiating it?"

Do it and mean it. You know what you want and if he isn't that then you need to move on.

Best of luck.

Yes but OP is 33. I think after a year you know deep down if this is someone you want a future with? It depends OP but it does seem as if he's wary of you. Afraid to commit in case it doesn't work out. Why are you against living together. My friend had a guy like this but they had been going out longer. In the end she broke it off with him. She was fed up. They got married 6 mths later! It was the kick up the arse he needed I think

So true be careful OP. I have friends who fell into this trap

On one hand its only been a year, but you are in your 30s and want a family.
You've brought it up and yet he seems evasive/lukewarm and his only suggestion is that he wants kids someday but doesn't see the need to get married.
Maybe he hasn't really thought about the future much as yet, but even if that is the case he doesn't sound full of enthusiasm.
Also, the comments about you earning less. That situation wouldn't get better when you are on maternity pay or going part time for childcare reasons.

Yes, sure, but it is still offensive when n the sense of hurtful. . He is willing to be her bf but not be in a more serious relationship? That is the same as making do until something better comes along.

OP, you say you've brought it up, and mentioned it.....but what is "it"? The future, the fact you'd like commitment and moving in together.....or the fact you actually want to be married? I can't see you've ever said in your post whether you've ever specifically told him this. The guy isn't psychic! He needs to specifically know if marriage is specifically important to you.

You're right, I don't think I've specifically said what the conversations so far have been about. All that has happened is that on a few occasions, I have asked him what he wants in the future and it's been vague things like 'I want to be together', then next time it comes up he mentiones things like moving in but there's sort of a feeling of being tense/guarded. I was disappointed as if I have a future with someone I'd like it to be something we both feel positive about. It might also be the case that when he didn't express enthusiasm for it, I then started to have doubts so both of us are handling it as something unpleasant now. That's a shame, but to me it says it probably won't work out. I don't want someone to do those things because they feel like they have to.

You have asked for marriage, live together, children
Your biological clock is ticking
You have made your wishes clear

It sounds like he is in no hurry

He seems uncommitted & has made no moves to do any of these things with you

I would end this relationship & look for someone who shares the ideas that you wish

You have no time to waste

You can do the ultimatum/deadline if you want but I must say that it is much better to be open and honest about your feelings than silently test someone. Open communication is how you have a long term relationship with someone. It is not easy - sometimes it's very uncomfortable actually - but it is worth it. If you dump him in September because he has failed a test you've set him that he didn't know he was taking are you going to feel satisfied that you gave the relationship a chance? I personally would rather make it very clear what you want (in general, doesn't have to be about him) first.

But it doesn't sound like OP has made it clear that she wants marriage.

Some people view a year long relationship as still quite new and talk of long term commitment after this short time is not something I’d personally be comfortable with. Perhaps he feels the same. Of course, you’re well within your rights to end a relationship for any reason you see fit.