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AIBU?

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Original poster

OH Upset over sexual past

56 replies

Spicybiscuit · 02/08/2024 12:23

My partner and I have been together for 15 years, while I had a fair amount of experience at university I was his first. Whist I know this lack of experience has sometimes been an unspoken bone of contention I've mostly kept quiet about my sexual past.
About a week ago while having a few drinks with my partner I happened to talk about dating and mentioned the few dates I had been on shortly after meeting him. He got all cold and quiet, I explained that it was before we had become "exclusive" and once we had become a couple I had stopped and haven't been with anyone else since.
He has remained quite cold with me I simply don't understand why he is so hurt by something that occurred when we had only gone on a few dates.
I'm trying to be understanding but I really don't understand.

OP posts:
Bobbotgegrinch · 02/08/2024 13:06

I suppose the question is "Did he know you weren't exclusive?"

I was a bit of a late bloomer and was quite surprised to find out that the woman I considered my girlfriend was dating other people! I just assumed that once you'd snogged someone and then went out for a drink with them, you were going out. I got over it sharpish, we had the talk and things were fine, but maybe your partner is only just having this realisation 15 years in.

FatmanandKnobbin · 02/08/2024 13:08

I'm not really fussed about anyone's sexual past at all, but I wouldn't like it if my partner started talking about dates he had while we were dating tbh, even if we weren't exclusive.

TomatoSandwiches · 02/08/2024 13:08

He sounds insecure.

Have you asked him why he has a problem?

BlondeFool · 02/08/2024 13:09

I really don't know why you'd bring up dates when you were seeing him, exclusive or not. I'd be upset too.

ClemFandangooo · 02/08/2024 13:10

It doesn't sound like he's upset about your sexual past... More that he thinks there might be an overlap/he thought you were exclusive/didn't know you were sleeping with other people

JMSA · 02/08/2024 13:13

YANBU.
It's his situation - being a virgin at uni - that would surely be seen as more unusual.
Anyway, there's no right or wrong here. Just don't let him gaslight you into believing that you've done something bad. The silent treatment isn't ideal either.

ComtesseDeSpair · 02/08/2024 13:15

He was a naive late bloomer and he’s spent 15 years thinking it was love at first sight the moment you set eyes on him and his pride and feelings are hurt to discover that wasn’t the case. Let him lick his wounds, but don’t let him beat you up about it and get into being-a-duck territory, you didn’t do anything wrong. Nevertheless it’s a slightly odd thing to bring up after 15 years - what was the context?

BobbyBiscuits · 02/08/2024 13:19

I think it's the fact you said these dates happened while you were also dating him. I guess it took him by surprise. He may have assumed exclusivity as soon as you first kissed/slept together? He shouldn't have, as assumption is the mother of all fuck ups!
But he wasn't shaming your sexual past. I think he was just a bit hurt. I probably wouldn't have mentioned the actual timing of the other dates, if I knew he was a bit less experienced.
But the past is just that. If he trusts you now, then it shouldn't really even need discussing.

LessOfMe99 · 02/08/2024 13:23

Well I wouldn't be happy if my partner of 15 years suddenly started talking about people he had dated whilst also dating me...
In my opinion you were thoughtless and hurtful in mentioning it op.

Marblessolveeverything · 02/08/2024 13:38

I am not being funny but why would you bring up your sex life from 15 years ago ?

I would consider it a bit of a dick move from my partner on a night out.

Shiningout · 02/08/2024 13:39

I have no clue what made you think talking about dating others at the Same time as him was a good idea. It's been 15 years, why now?

Natbro · 02/08/2024 13:39

Well done youve now given him the green light to cheat on you... "well you slept with other people when we were together" 😅

LaughingElderberry · 02/08/2024 13:57

Saw your OP title and was all set to say YANBU, he needs to get over it etc. But, why would you start talking about other people you were dating when your relationship started with your partner?

Even if you weren't "exclusive", why mention it now all these years later?

I had relationships before my DH and I got together, and I know he did as well, but I still wouldn't be happy if he sat down over dinner tonight and started reminiscing about old girlfriends.

bridgetreilly · 02/08/2024 13:59

You didn’t think that could be something he wasn’t interested in chatting about? I don’t think it’s the past he’s concerned about as the fact that you are thinking about them in the present.

Comedycook · 02/08/2024 14:01

Reverse?

Reignydays · 02/08/2024 14:01

I think he needs to get over it, it happened so long ago and you wasn’t even a couple.

But I do wonder why on earth you told him!

Comedycook · 02/08/2024 14:02

But either way, some things are better left unsaid

Tbskejue · 02/08/2024 14:17

To be honest even 10 years in I wouldn’t want to hear about DH dating after meeting me; I’d prefer to beleive that after meeting me he didn’t even think about another woman. I’d apologise that mentioning it hurt his feelings as I think it was insensitive but then I’d expect him to get over it considering how long ago it was

Didimum · 02/08/2024 14:17

While I agree his retroactive jealousy isn't your problem (unless you rub it in his face somehow – not saying you do), I do think it should be acknowledged that there is a grey area in early dating where you are getting on like a house on fire but haven't had that 'exclusivity talk' yet (and some people never have that talk, it's not a given, so the line has to be drawn somewhere if it isn't explicit and verbal).

During this grey area, and depending on the context, I don't think it's necessary OK to simply say 'well, we weren't exclusive' as an excuse – it's madly over simplistic and disrespectful.

DH and I didn't have 'the talk' until three months in – up until then we were having 1-2 dates a week and sleeping together. Had he been dating others during that time, I would have been extremely upset and look down on him for it. You know the unspoken vibe in dating, depending who you are with – to just claim you weren't exclusive is a major cop out.

I'm not saying you have done the above, OP, but it's hard to tell from your post what the situation was and whether your husband is being unreasonable or if you have behaved without due respect to him early on.

SuperBatFace · 02/08/2024 14:22

Nothing more unattractive in a man than insecurity: ugh. Tell him to get over himself

Didimum · 02/08/2024 14:24

BobbyBiscuits · 02/08/2024 13:19

I think it's the fact you said these dates happened while you were also dating him. I guess it took him by surprise. He may have assumed exclusivity as soon as you first kissed/slept together? He shouldn't have, as assumption is the mother of all fuck ups!
But he wasn't shaming your sexual past. I think he was just a bit hurt. I probably wouldn't have mentioned the actual timing of the other dates, if I knew he was a bit less experienced.
But the past is just that. If he trusts you now, then it shouldn't really even need discussing.

He shouldn't have, as assumption is the mother of all fuck ups!

It's definitely a grey area though. I don't think it's fair to put it on one person in the couple to speak up about exclusivity expectations and it not also be on the other person to make their dating situation clear. I don't think it's fair to simply have a hall pass until the discussion arises – because when it does arise is very arbitrary. No one sets a stopwatch.

Canalboat · 02/08/2024 14:32

On the one hand It’s a long time ago and it shouldn’t be an issue any more but on the other hand why did you feel the need to talk to him about it? Best left alone I would have thought.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/08/2024 14:37

It's a bit "oh all the other ones I could have had!". If a bloke started reminiscing about the women he was sleeping with whilst dating his now wife, they'd be torn apart

Ellie1015 · 02/08/2024 14:38

As it was while you were also dating him I can understand why he is not happy. Even though you are technically right (if it was clear you were not exclusive yet) it is still very insensitive to mention it.

OhDoStoppit · 02/08/2024 14:39

From his perspective you met him, thought "he's worth another date but maybe I can do better" and went on other dates too, but decided he was the best after all.

Can you really not see how that might be a teeny bit hurtful? I mean, he should definitely get over it now, but still, makes sense to me that it might sting.

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