OH Upset over sexual past

[Spicybiscuit]

My partner and I have been together for 15 years, while I had a fair amount of experience at university I was his first. Whist I know this lack of experience has sometimes been an unspoken bone of contention I've mostly kept quiet about my sexual past.
About a week ago while having a few drinks with my partner I happened to talk about dating and mentioned the few dates I had been on shortly after meeting him. He got all cold and quiet, I explained that it was before we had become "exclusive" and once we had become a couple I had stopped and haven't been with anyone else since.
He has remained quite cold with me I simply don't understand why he is so hurt by something that occurred when we had only gone on a few dates.
I'm trying to be understanding but I really don't understand.

I am surprised you are surprised.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have dated other people, that seems to be the norm now. I would be hurt if my partner of 15 years was talking about the people they dated at the same time as me. Particularly if I hadn’t been aware at the time.

Can you really not imagine or understand how he feels?

Why the fuck you told him all of that is absolutely beyond me. Talk about need to know information that he 100% didn't need to know, especially given you had already met and were still fucking other guys, something he clearly never realised before. You're really surprised this wonderful news hasn't exactly thrilled him? You can't be that clueless surely.

This!
I think whatever happened before you were together absolutely is in the past and I think if your partner is jealous about it or has issues with it, it's their problem but in his head you were probably a thing at that point and especially if you were his 1st, those 1st dates/texts etc were probably a big deal to him and you've kind of just given the impression he was just one of many you had on the go at the time, I get why he's upset.

but in his head you were probably a thing at that point and especially if you were his 1st, those 1st dates/texts etc were probably a big deal to him and you've kind of just given the impression he was just one of many you had on the go at the time

Exactly. How can you not appreciate this? I'm sure you have massively hurt his feelings. You have torn up his whole narrative in his mind of when you were first together.

Definitely something that was best left unsaid. Why on earth would you talk about this 15 years later?

To be honest I'd actually hate this. It would ruin my fluffy memories of early relationship and I'd feel very betrayed. I am not particularly old fashioned but I'd consider getting to the point if sleeping with somebody (which takes a lot of dates for me) to be the point where we would be exclusive. Even if I hadn't necessarily spelled it out.

I wasn’t exclusive for the first few months of my relationship with DH. He was. I only realised when I overheard him talking to his Mum on the phone and calling me his girlfriend. I wasn’t experienced in commitment, although I was experienced. He was experienced with commitment but had only had one prior girlfriend.

i realised then that I wanted to be with him and stopped being uncommitted! I have also never mentioned it to him as what’s the point? You made a mistake there I’m afraid.

Some sympathy for your OH, I would be hurt too. It was a mistake to bring it up. Just give him some time to get over it and be sweet with him.

Why would you bring it up? It could lead to no positive outcomes and predictably has upset your partner.

I think given that you know its a sore spot for him you'd be wise to avoid talking about it with him.
But after 15 years for him to still be even remotely bothered about this is ridiculous.

Why did you mention the dates after meeting him?

Same here.
Plus there are men out there who are also equally 'Exclusive'.
I'd be really hurt if a long term partner harked back to ''dates'' while he was with me.
It seems a strange thing to reminisce about, after so long, as well, especially in front of your husband.

Yeah I probably wouldn't talk about dates I'd been on when I was dating him. Exclusive or not. Even though technically there's no wrongdoing. It would still feel a bit weird hearing it. Hell just have to process it you could say sorry for being insensitive though

I would be upset if my husband told me he'd been sleeping with (or even just dating) other women when we were already dating. But that was 20 years ago, and I don't think this new "exclusive" thing was a thing back then. If you were dating someone, you were dating them. It wouldn't have occurred to either of us to see other people even if it wasn't yet serious.

I can understand him being upset.

Loose lips sink ships unfortunately.

It sounds like at the time he thought he was dating you and therefore you weren't seeing anyone else. Now he finds out that this wasn't true and you actually went out with a few other men.

That would upset me too but as it was so long ago and you ended up together it is quite an extreme reaction and perhaps indicates that there are problems in the relationship now and that your recent revelation about the past has added fuel to the fire.

Marriage counselling might be in order.

Downplaying it isn't a good idea.

Presumably he'd been under the impression, at the time, that you were 'exclusive', though.

Of course your partner shouldn't judging you on how many people you dated before you got together with them, but I also think it's pretty insensitive, on night out with your partner, to start telling him about a bunch of men you were seeing at the same time as him when you first met. I really don't understand why on earth you'd bring that up.

Your title is completely misleading.
He isn't upset about your sexual past (I came on to say it was something he either dealt with or didn't but tough shit) He is upset about you dating (& possibly shagging?) other people at the start of your relationship when presumably he thought you were exclusive? Not something I'd be happy with either.

Yes, something are best left unsaid, especially 15 year old dating stories!

I think your DH is just a bit upset rather than insecure. It was a thoughtless thing to do.

It is a bit of weird one. Dh and I both agree that from our first date we knew there was going to be something between us, maybe not 2 kids and 20years together but we knew it was different. That's a bit more romantic than I met you but still wondered if there was someone better out there so kept dating for a while especially if you felt it was something special straight away. I think who you were dating whilst also dating your partner is one of those things better left unsaid.

Not sure what possessed you to tell him this when you know what he's like tbh. Didn't it occur it wouldn't go down well? There's nothing you can do about you different pasts and his insecurity is his to get past, but quite honestly, you hardly helped! Clearly he thought that you were exclusive from the beginning of your dating and has had a shock. No doubt he will get over it. If he keeps bringing your past up he's in the wrong.

Isn’t that normal though? Very few people are committed to someone after the first date surely 😵‍💫 That said it if it were me i wouldn’t if said anything about it. Particularly if I knew my partner was secretly angsty about the fact I slept with other people before I met him anyway.

Hey, thought I would add some extra detail.
We were onto our 3rd bottle of wine and watching a dating show (first dates) and talking about dating I didn't just randomly come out with it.

I wouldn’t be happy with finding out something like that.
I think it’s really important that both parties are on the same page because in my mind if I am dating someone then that would mean we are exclusive.

I think if you don’t want to be exclusive it needs to be mentioned and not automatically assumed that both parties are comfortable with that situation as there’s a lot of people who aren’t comfortable with the idea of seeing several people at once.

And now everyone will say you have an issue with alcohol because on MN, you're only allowed a thimble of wine at Xmas! 🤣

If he's insecure, this could very well be the end of the relationship, sorry.

It's excessive, I get it, but he thought you were the one, and thought that you felt for him what he thought for you when you first met.

What you have just told him was that (even if there was no sex), that you were testing the water with 'many', weighed options, and then settled on him.

If he's insecure, which it sounds like he is, whatever you say won't make a difference. He'll assume you're just lying to cover up 'more', and it will eat away at him, bit by bit, as you've basically just ruined his image of you.

MN will tell you to leave, with phrases like "he's insecure, I'd bin him off because you don't want to live your life reassuring someone". Honestly, I think this is on you though... He had this fantasy of you being exclusive, sunshine and rainbows, and that fantasy is dashed now.