To wonder if no one else's parents don't want to spend time with them?

[ElTortilla]

I regularly ask my mum of she wants to do things with me at weekend. She regularly says no, even if she has nothing else to do. That is her choice of course, but it makes me feel deflated. Anyone else in the same boat?

I think the point people are missing is that it is a real shame, if parents don’t actually care or are interested enough to want to spend time with their adult children.

its not about expense or distance or not wanting to go to soft play with grandchildren. What most of us are saying, is that our parents don’t care. They aren’t interested. And that’s a shame.

Mine was like this.

For years and years I used to ask her to come to me for Sunday/go out to lunch/go for a shopping day (I drove & she didn't) / go to the theatre, but she would always say no.

She'd say she'd only go if my brother ( who lived with her until her death and still lives in the family home alone) was invited and could come, or that she couldn't come as she had to be home to cook his dinner or do his washing.

Eventually I stopped asking, and our relationship became distant and never recovered. I grieved for the fact that I didn't having a loving mum years ago, and when she died, awful as it was at the time, I can honestly say that it's had no impact on my day-to-day life and I don't miss her at all; because there's no relationship to miss.

Mine were like this, they lived 10 minutes away but it was too difficult to come and visit me, even though they both drove and had no health issues. I stopped going to see them after I had DCs as they both smoked in the house and I didn’t want my children breathing in their smoke. As a result I only really heard from them when they wanted something or if my M thought I might be able to provide her with some gossip.
I don’t see them at all anymore, my life is a lot less stressful.

I live with my mum and she still doesn't want to do stuff with me!
My MiL is too unwell now with dementia in a home to say/be burdened with anything, but whenever we ask FiL if we can visit or if he wants to meet in town for lunch or whatever he always refuses. In five years he has once responded with, 'oh, I suppose I could meet you for coffee at 10.30am before my meeting'. Idk what meeting as the guy is retired?!
So yeah. I wouldn't worry about it. We are just not rock and roll enough for them.

All this is so weird. DH and I are congratulating ourselves as we have managed to persuade our very busy DC to come out with us for dinner tonight. Obviously they have better things to do than hang out with their boring parents, so this is rare!

I am on another thread where posted are absolutely bereft that their young adult DC don't want to hang out with them. I can't imagine this will change in ten years.

Mine is like this too. Only once in the last 20+years has she come to join me in my hobby. And even then it was only a few hours. Yet she spends every weekend with my siblings and their hobbies. She visits them often too. I’m lucky if she visits me on my birthday.

I made my peace with it many years ago. I’m sure she would begrudgingly come to something if I really asked, but that’s not the point. I’d like her to come as she was supporting me and taking an interest in my life and doing it willingly. Not because I had to beg her to do so.

What age is your mother now and how old was your grandmother when she looked after you?

I wish I was much younger and could offer more help with my DGS but I'm not and I can't.

Your her child not her life partner. Of course you’re second best

My Mum has no interest in spending time with me or my kids. Never ever suggests anything and something always comes up to ensure she can’t make anything I suggest…. Car in garage, waiting on GP phone call… the list is endless. Upsets me but I also have to try and ‘park’ it as much as possible as nothing will ever change sadly! She’s missed out on so much of my children’s childhood and my adult life :(

My mum is 65 now, my Granny was 70ish when she looked after me. I’ve come to the realisation it’s better to expect nothing. I’m slightly envious of my friends who go on holiday with their mums or spa days or even just impromptu lunches.

That is sad. Have you ever tried to broach the subject or is it not worth the tension ?

right thing to do for you, not for everyone.

of course she brought her up, that’s surely the basics of having a child. What an absolutely bizarre comment.

Mine don't want to do anything with me or my kids. As a result my kids don't really know them. They are quite selfish and always have been. They more interested in the tv or going shopping. Both early 70's. I think it's a real shame tbh

Quite. You reap what you sow.. my elderly mother likes seeing us but is too old really to organise anything meaningful without much help. Not the same obviously but she brought me up with love and affection and provided help at the times I needed it, mostly. So I have no problem to help her - though not to be her full time carer. For you, dear OP, it's far more clear cut IMO.

Wow.

Yes, I did once but it ended up causing tension so I’ve just kept things as ‘breezy’ as possible ever since and try not to think about the years going by and missed opportunities too much :(

Popping out kids that you can be arsed to spend time with as adults very much still counts.

My mum had five of us and it felt like as soon as a new one came along, the previous one was shelved.
My mum also had numerous affairs, resulting in my two sisters who she shows massive favouritism towards.

Giving us food and a place to live as children is the bare minimum, she should have done that regardless.
I can happily provide that level of care back as an adult by putting her in a care home, and I'll give her the same amount of actual attention I got as a child, which was bare minimum.
I can only remember one occasion where my mum gave me a hug.
Now they're older and so set on their free time (even though they went out plenty when I was young too) that they feel they owe us or their grandchildren none of it.

So, no. I don't owe them anything.
They can have food and shelter like I did and bare minimal visits, like I do.

I'm hoping it will at least make them reflect.

Sorry to hear that you all have shit parents too.

My mum only seems to want to see me when her husband (who is so ignorant and doesn't acknowledge me most of the time even though I've done nothing wrong) is away or at work. Example being she asked me to go out on Monday when her husband is at work. I can't so I suggested Saturday. She's free but is refusing to do something then.

I can well believe this. Too bad I'm second best to her cunt of a husband.

P.S. it's you're, not your.

Could it be she thinks you should have your own space/family space? If so wise , selfless lady.