To wonder if no one else's parents don't want to spend time with them?

[ElTortilla]

I regularly ask my mum of she wants to do things with me at weekend. She regularly says no, even if she has nothing else to do. That is her choice of course, but it makes me feel deflated. Anyone else in the same boat?

Yes my mum ..both parents are selfish and only do things that suit them. So if I said to my mum do you fancy doing x y z, and she would weigh up what she would get out of it first but most of the time she can't be bothered. I am nothing like her and enjoy spending time with my Dc they are now adults with partners but we do still spend time together.

I'm sorry your mum is like this but you don't have to be like her.

Mine don't. I don't take it personally.

Mine are the same. They have actively said they find the idea of us children and grandchildren as ‘burdens’ and wish to be free of responsibility

to be clear, they’ve never done any ‘child care’ nor have we asked them too. What we have offered is the ‘nice things’ eg Christmas but they just don’t want to anything other than exactly what they want. Neither do in laws, who are more interested in the tv. It’s really hurtful.

It's not nice but it is what it is.

Some people had children without really thinking about it and it didn't turn out they way they imagined it.

Best you can do for yourself op is make it her problem and put more energy into relationships that you enjoy.
They way she is, is of no reflection on you.

Could it be anxiety? It seems to get worse for some women as they get older. Maybe her world is just getting smaller and she wants to stay home

She will usually do something when her husband is away. He's not controlling the rest of the time so she would be free to see me. I feel second best then.

My dad. He is 80. Makes zero effort. I find it hurtful.he is selfish though.

my mum is different.

I don't have a lot of friends but I don't rely on my mum for company. I do lots of solo trips and have hobbies that get me out and about.

I'm just upset that my mum actively doesn't want to spend time with me. I guess in return I can turn round to her when she's old and needs help that I won't be the one to provide that help. I've been poorly recently too so thought she might want to see me.

As I don't have many other people in my life and she rarely wants to see me I honestly question whether she'd care if I was dead or not as she doesn't feel the need to see me ever anyway.

I don't have kids but I can't understand people who do have kids but then don't take an interest in their lives or want to spend time with them.

She's always been selfish like it's her way or the highway.

I'm sorry. It's an awful feeling isn't it?

I'm sorry 😞. Makes you wonder why people have kids doesn't it?

Just wait when their health starts to fail then see if they want you then .

My mother was similar. Only ever gave me the time of day if it suited her or if she needed something from me.
This ran to me being in hospital on a blue light admission and they didn't come near in the entire fortnight I was in there. Yet when she / father had hospital appointments I had to drop everything and take time off work to go with them.

Oh yep she'll expect me to be round. She's made it very clear she doesn't want to go in a care home. I won't be anywhere near.

They spent a lot of time with me when I was younger…I can see why they might need a break 😂

Yes, mine don't. My mum does like doing things with me that she's too scared to do on her own however (eg requires driving on a motorway). Sadly it took me a while to notice the only time she asks me is when she senses an obstacle to her doing it without me, or she wants to make a passive aggressive point to my dad. For instance this week she's said about going for meal. It's only because my dad stood her up on their arrangement so she now wants to go out without him as a "I don't need you" display. Didn't even occur to her it's my birthday in a couple of days and maybe she could've at least pretended she was suggesting it to be nice!

Gosh I would be so thrilled if my young adult DC wanted to spend time with me. I have to beg! I think YANBU. She doesn't have to do this every weekend, but at least sometimes.

Oh and if any of my DD were poorly, obviously I would visit with some food and flowers.

Nope, not just you.
My mum is very open with her favouritism towards my sisters and will happily spend time with them, but never wants to spend time with me, even when I've been in tears and telling her I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown if I don't get out and about with someone soon.

My Dad has always been very self centred, selfish with his time and money etc.
He used to spend time with me happily but since COVID, he never wants to, doesn't want to take me anywhere (I always pay my own way) and now I've had to move house (a whole 6 miles away) he never wants to even visit me anymore, apparently it's incredibly difficult to sit down and drive somewhere.

I accept it now, they'll never change. I focus my energy elsewhere, but let's hope I don't decide to be petty when they're old and lonely and desperate for someone to spend time with them.

You have every right to deny them care in older age. This is something I am going to stick to and not feel guilty about.

I get on fine with her I visit her she isn't a "bad person " and when I was growing up she was a good enough mum I would have liked to have had a better relationship with her as an adult I've just resigned myself to the fact that's the way she is.

If I do ask her to do something with me she thinks I'm trying to make her feel guilty when she says no.

Didn’t she bring you up for the first 18 years of your life? Does that not count because she’s older now and wants to live her life the way she wants?

I do get fed up with this ‘they won’t help me so I won’t help them attitude’ that I see so often on MN. As if the childhood years don’t count.

My parents weren’t great - it was different times and they didn’t really get the nurturing memo. But now they’re ancient, of course I help because it’s just the right thing to do.

My DM only ever contacts me for money. Only ever asks to see pics of my DD when she’s been with her sisters and hasn’t got any pics to show them of her (because I hardly send them).

She only ever asks to see my DD when she wants to use it as an excuse to ask us to take her to dinner/drop her off somehwhere/‘lend’ her money/ get something off us.

Even then, we will re arrange stuff to allow her to see her and have to pick her up and bring her to our house and drop her back off home. She cancels about 75% of the time on the day as well.

I very rarely try anymore and actually try to not see her! Some parents are just awful. Try not to care too much. The issue is them not you!