To wonder if no one else's parents don't want to spend time with them?

[ElTortilla]

I regularly ask my mum of she wants to do things with me at weekend. She regularly says no, even if she has nothing else to do. That is her choice of course, but it makes me feel deflated. Anyone else in the same boat?

She did but was always half hearted. She's said a lot of bad things.

It was also her choice to have me. I only feel it's fair for me to put in the effort she has with raising me and how she is now. She treats her husband like he's the dogs bollocks. He can look after her in old age. Except he did nothing, no care or housework or cooking while she was receiving cancer treatment, so he certainly won't be looking after her in older age.

We live 4 hours apart so only see each other a few times a year, and that's just fine by me!! I get digs about when I am going to visit to which I usually reply that the motorway runs in both directions and they're welcome any time (they're retired and I work full time yet somehow I make at least 80% of the trips). Perhaps you need to find yourself some more friends?

I could have written this post.

I agree 💯 break the mould.

I fully agree parents should have their own lives. I am not keen on parents doing regular childcare; I think they need a rest. But in this case, I am on OP's side. The odd weekend is surely what every parent would do if their child asked.

Would you really want someone to do something they didn't want to do with you just to avoid being 'selfish'? As a child maybe you'd expect a parent to be sufficiently selfless to endure soft play or something for your sake, but once you reach adulthood surely you're just two people who either want to do a particular thing together or you don't. It shouldn't be a parental duty. It's a shame your mum isn't on the same page about what would be enjoyable, but does that mean there's no common ground? A coffee, a chat on the phone? Something she chooses?

It's a sad fact that many parents just don't care that much about their children. They have children because it's what everyone seems to do, but actually they're really not suited to being a parent. They're too selfish, too self absorbed. Or they're just not capable of any type of deep emotional bond with anyone.

My MIL was uninterested in DH and my BIL once they stopped being cute toddlers. DH struggled with homesickness in his first year at university. MIL regularly travelled past campus en route to see her sister but never once bothered to pop in and see DH.

She wasn't cruel or evil she just doesn't possess the capacity to care deeply about others.

DM totally lost interest after 2020.
Her poor hearing has also deteriorated and she smugly rejected mobile phones many years ago so the landline that she can't hear is the only way to get in touch, and she's too far away to drop in on even if she would let people over the threshold.

It stings, but it's gone on so long that it's wearing off now. She's made lots of unhelpful choices that I'm not responsible for.

He's 80! Why would you expect him to do stuff with you. At that age he probably just doesn't have sufficient energy.

I'm 76 but both DDs understand that I just can't keep up with family activities any longer and are happy to see me for lunch or an afternoon together - maybe 2 - 3 hours at a time. Grandsons have so many of their own activities at weekends that family get togethers are few and far between especially as none of us live near each other.

I love my adult children deeply, enjoy seeing them and spending time with them, but why is there an expectation to do things together?
As I've aged, I tire more quickly and don't have the stamina that I used to have for long days out, especially in this hot weather. Maybe if you just suggest meeting up for lunch or a coffee these pesky old folks would show sufficient gratitude for you all gracing them with your presence be happier to see you.

Perhaps OP could clarify what stuff she means or what she wants to do with her mum.

Another one who thinks people can be awfully harsh when discussing elderly parents and viewing their relationship as transactional.
As we hear all the time on here, parents are just people. They don’t get everything right, they go through periods of anxiety or not feeling great. They might just want peace and quiet in their later years.

It's things like going for a coffee, having lunch at mine or me making it at hers.

I feel similar, I suggest things but they aren’t usually keen. They are not keen on anything further than 20 minutes away or that costs more a coffee (early 60’s and financially comfortable, just set in their ways). I’ve suggested the odd time to my mum about doing something and she did take me to lunch last year when I was having a rough time at work but she seemed disinterested and there out of duty. She made a big point of only having soup because she thought it was expensive (just a normal pub menu and I’d offered to split the bill).

They do a day a weeks childcare which I can sense is a burden, when I collect my son I can see my mum tidying and checking her watch waiting for us to go. I am going to suggest from September that we make other arrangements. It’s stings a little as my granny looked after me.

I would hope to be doing that even in my nineties. My mum is nearly 80 and always up for stuff like that. If my DD made me lunch in my house, I would be thrilled to accept. Parents are people, but that's hardly going camping.

I assume your mum is not very old or in bad health.

Devil's advocate here:

I have adult children and I'm seriously disabled.

I became seriously disabled as an adult.

I have put a massive amount of time, effort and money into my children. I have spent literal decades doing things I do not like so that they enjoy it.

I do feel sometimes when they invite me to something - sometimes I'm not interested in it and I only have limited energy and frankly
Don't want to go (I use a wheelchair and have major mobility problems) and sometimes frankly I'm just knackered.

I only really manage socialising maximum every other day otherwise I get very tired.

But there should surely be effort on both sides? Even if it's just welcoming an adult child over for a meal which my mum never does and then at christmas she insists I go for dinner and on the times I went to my then boyfriends family for Christmas lunch, she makes me feel guilty about.

She's early sixties and in good health.

I have to admit I am a bit tired of cooking for adult DC after doing it for over 20 years, so I often ask them to cook for themselves. But always happy to spend time.

She has to cook her husbands dinner anyway because he won't do it. She just never invites me!

Mine are utterly passive. If I invite them to my house, "it's too far," but they never invite me there either. Never ring or text. If I text, it's often ignored. I've given up really. My mum in particular is in thrall to my brother, and they spend all their time together, with her doing everything for him even though he's 47!
It would have been nice just to have a normal family but at least now the parents are getting old, the rest of us don't feel guilty for leaving the bulk of the care to my brother who has milked so much out of them.
Just look at it that way, OP. When someone has pretty much cut you out of their life, you don't need to feel bad when they suddenly need care.

It's clear you don't like her husband ( I'm sure you have good reason ) so maybe she doesn't invite you to avoid a frosty atmosphere?

So because she CHOSE to have a child and did the basics of that, it means OP has to care for her when she is old?

What stupid reasoning.

That isn't what the poster said. She's making the broader point that parents have done a lot of caring already, and if they've brought up decent human beings, then their children will remember thst care and choose to treat them with care and kindness when they are old. Yet there is a cohort of people who seem to expect parental duty to continue until the parent drops, childcare, meals, 'selflessness' all in order to 'earn' their right to have a little shopping done for them and a lift to the hospital now and again. Which for many elderly people will be all that's required from their children, who quite often don't even live close enough to do that.

OP I think perhaps your mum doesn't want you over because you don't like her husband.

I don't like him. He ignores me and always has done!