Family reported my husband to Adult Social Services

[LucyLoo1972]

Its a long story but eight years ago I suffered an absolutely devastating psychotic breakdown after I submitted my PhD. Before this time I had what a thought was an amazing and near perfect marriage. I love my husband very very much. Over the time I have been unwell things have been very difficult. We had never really had a row before my breakdown (at the time I thought this was good but now I see it was a sign of lack of honesty and communication). Since being unwell I have seen a lot of things that were putting a serious strain on me which have come out in therapy. My doctors have been fairly certain though that at root the extreme and total breakdown is rooted in childhood trauma. My father, mother and sister were all abusive especially my father.

I have spoken to my sister about some of the issues that are difficult in my marriage as my husband has not responded well to my illness. I am a totally changed person and having never said a word about anything before, after the breakdown it was like a volcano of rage and anger and frustration coming out for my husbands neglect of me and my needs.

I spoke to my sister about the difficulties which have included my husband's hoarding, verbal abuse (in response though to my anger which has been out of control at times of which I am not proud), him not transferring money into my account on time sometimes so I don't have access to money, him not wanting to eat in the same room as me or be with me, him not engaging with my therapy and my abusive family with whom we have had little interaction on a regular basis are frustrated that he refuses to answer phonically.

Yesterday Adult Social Services phones me to say my father and my sister had made a report of concern for my wellbeing and safety at home. This morning I had to go to a meeting and explain the concerns to them.

AIBU in feeling this is an overreach by the state? I was there for two hours explaining everything to them and my husband os devastated as for eight years he has tried to care for me when I have been seriously unwell and devastated and angry that my whole life has been taken from me and Im not really getting better. Im especially angry that the report came from my original abuser.my life is in utter and complete ruins.

yes we have a turntable. one of the problems is there are thousands of records so I can't choose which music to listen to as I can't find it. life shouldn't have to be that hard with thousands stored up - what's the point

But it’s not that hard. Why are you making it hard. Who cares about the records and record player. If that doesn’t work for you then simply buy Spotify. It’s very easy to find all the songs you want. What’s stopping you from doing this as opposed to not listening to music and complaining all of his vinyl records make it impossible for you to listen to music? I purchased one of those little megaboom speakers and my phone connects Spotify to it when I want to listen to music at home. It has a really big sound for something so small. These things are easily fixed. They don’t need your therapist to get your DH in to explain how his disordered vinyl collection inhibits you listening to music and affects your mental health. Again, I’d reconsider your therapist if this is where you are 8 years later and with what seems like some questionable output on their end.

I have a serious problem empathising with your posts OP because of the dramatic and hyperbolic language you use to describe your experience.

I’m trying to understand: is your husband a hoarder as in “he doesn’t throw anything out, I have to navigate around litter in the house and outside” or as in “he has a sizeable collection of vinyl records”? Or something in between, as in “no litter in the house but several sizeable collections, e.g., vinyls, vintage lego, ZX Spectrum spares”?

This is another example of not really understanding abusive dynamics.

OP had money and yet her DH didn’t “let” her have key things. That is because she is under his control.

You bought yourself a fan when your DH didn’t want one because you are in a normal relationship and not being controlled by your DH.

@LucyLoo1972 I say this with compassion; people are concerned about the nature of your relationship both with your partner and your therapist.
Both relationships sound like they have elements of co dependency.

I think you need to look for a trustworthy organisation to give you support and find a new therapist. I suggest you start by talking to your GP, and contact MIND for support.

Stop making things up. The OP has at no point said anything more than “he procrastinates” or tries to say “we already have x” if she wants to biy something. She’s not said that he shouts, withdraws, or in any other way punishes her if she wants to get something.

Thing is though - he’s simply gone i think that’s a waste of money. OP then just doesn’t get it. She’s already said he wouldn’t do anything if she did. So really, he’s just giving his opinion and she’s taking it as law perhaps due to her past trauma.

You’ve worded it better than me

Putting DH and family aside, I wonder OP if you’ve switched your love of learning and analysis that you obviously have from doing your PHD inwards.
so rather than focusing on doing something constructive and forward thinking, you’re instead trying to analyse every moment of the past to try and “work things out”. Sometimes this just isn’t helpful.

@Mirabai OP had money and yet her DH didn’t “let” her have key things. That is because she is under his control. You bought yourself a fan when your DH didn’t want one because you are in a normal relationship and not being controlled by your DH

Where is your evidence for this? Absolutely nothing OP has written evidences that he is a controlling abuser. I mean, maybe that is the case, but also, it’s every bit as likely he is not and the core issue was OP and abnormal thought processes from the get go. No one knows from what has been written here.

Frugality is how he frames his control. If OP really believed there would be no consequences and everything would be fine she would just have bought what she liked.

what kind of things did the emotional abuse look like if you don't mind me asking?

yes that spot on I think and some I just can't understand and never will and I have to accept that but for some reason its so hard

She’s already said there wouldn’t be. Seriously, you need to take any MN thread with a pinch of salt and realise it’s one side of the story and in this case from someone who keeps changing her story.

yes honestly. Im the issue here. I don't believe he would have abused me or it would have made him think about leaving if I had asserted my needs more. the reason fro my need for approval being so strong at any cost to myself is from the childhood trauma I think or that's my best guess form being terrified of my father. my husband is an incredibly gentle and laid back person.

no there wouldn't have been. it was thought processes which were not even operating at a conscious level for me is the only rationale I can think of.

I know I clarify things but which bits do you think I'm changing?

I'm not surprised you are still angry over the computer and the transcripts.

Your DH may be caring but he's not caring in the way you need - you are still living in a house where you have no say, because of his hoarding and traits. None of that has changed. Plus he won't seek help for himself either.

I think it's abusive behaviour from him. It's more subtle than some posters say, but it's controlled your life with him.

EMDR is amazing for trauma and you should explore it.

You need to leave your husband too.

You say you love him. Can I ask why? What is love to you? It sounds like codependency rather than love.

his extreme extreme frugality led to extreme stress on me in our marriage and my therapists things was a factor in my breakdown

thanks. I'm codependent with my therapist for sure

Ps, engage with social services. They may be able to help get the money off your sister if you tell them about that.

To you possibly not as you seem to be thinking in stereotypes.

OPs therapist to be honest is either completely unprofessional- or the OP may be taking from the sessions what she wants to.

Anyone offering a professional service like this who hasn’t helped their client move forward after 8 years is dubious at best.

Yep.

OP has defined him as her safe place after an awful childhood, so the idea that he is not as safe as he seemed, indeed that he is part of the abuse dynamic from childhood is very destabilising to her, at at time she is already feeling destabilised from mental illness.

His control is very subtle which is why some posters are not getting it.

While Im not overly impressed with the therapist it’s a valid point nonetheless.

However it’s not abnormal to see therapists for years and not feel like they have moved on. OP is going round in circles in her head. Her DH is a maintaining cause of some of her issues so that situation is ongoing.

There are so many unknowns here it's hard to be confident of giving advice on what is best to do. Have you a doctor and are you on medication to deal with whatever the psychosis involved or what if anything it left you with? Can you get your doctor to refer you for psychological treatment on the NHS? This would save money to go towards getting a new place to live and for your living expenses.

You seem in some of your comments chaotic or confused and in others very lucid. Also very preoccupied and going over and over what happened in the past. I do not know much about your complex condition but presumably that going over and over is part of the ptsd. And this preoccupation seems to be a reason for the outbursts of rage, along with reaction to the state you are living in, I mean the state of dependency, the financial strain and the state of the house.

The hoarding, the state of the house, the money stinginess and all of that seems to bear down heavily on you yet at the same time it is your security and stability, such as it is, and you are deeply bonded and dependent on your husband while also chafing against that.

Can you learn some calming techniques and take up some self-help practices such as daily walking in the open air, or doing a hobby such as art or design or photography or daily meditation or yoga or exercise routine? You've mentioned music. I'm sure it would be good to listen to what you enjoy.

You could be vulnerable in a way from the very people whom you depend upon in the family circle. Can you get some additional sources of support, such as from local charities - someone mentioned MIND which is a good suggestion - and what about your local church? People there may be able to provide befriending and help whether it's moral support or help to with things you'd like or need, such as getting new towels or a radio or some other nice things that make life more bearable.

You can get advice from CAB about state financial support - are you able to do any form of work or if not, would you qualify for disability allowances such as Personal Independence Payment? - and legal advice about other money matters, either your own or due from inheritance or from spousal support - from a local law centre if there is one. Social services could be another source of help in various ways. They're not just the threat that people often see them as.

OP, you should definitely bear in mind that some posters on here just love to ‘victim blame’ with their unhelpful posts.