Parenting rules over paddling pools?

[ElizaGolightly]

I'll try to keep this concise.

My Dh and I are currently at odds over safety around paddling pools. I tend towards more safety conscious/neurotic and we've previously had huge arguments over rear facing etc/leaving DD in a tent asleep while in a pub having lunch onsite. He isn't a bad parent but his parents were borderline neglectful of him so I think his measures of 'normal supervision' are off.

DD was in the paddling pool set up in the garden in the shade. DH came to stand in the doorway to the house and turned 90 degrees to DD looking at something else. I asked him to watch her and he said he 'could see her' and modelled that when he turned round he could see her and when I pushed the convo further 'that he could hear her splashing'.

I feel like it should be non negotiable that an adult should be watching her and she should be in sight lines so peripheral vision at least at all times as hearing her isn't enough. I feel like she could be splashing if she were drowning and we wouldn't immediately know the difference? For what it's worth, I also feel like if I needed to do something else then it's my responsibility to see the paddling pool emptied and inverted before leaving her unattended.

The argument has made me doubt myself - am I being neurotic and there is a compromise that is perfectly safe to do and I need to unclench a bit?

Any opinions much appreciated before I go and discuss this with DH.

@ElizaGolightly sorry to follow up - she should also be supervised at all times near water. I supervise my four year old at all times.

Also, I would leave my husband if he left my 1.5 year old sleeping in a tent that he was not immediately next to. Imagine she woke up alone and scared?

And I would not have politely excused myself , I would have been really direct and clear.

That is not borderline neglectful that is full on neglectful.

This is enough to drown in. A young child should always be supervised in water, including the bath.

Please stop calling yourself 'neurotic' by the way.

2.5 is way too young to be partially supervised in a paddling pool. Someone needs to be within a few metres and actively paying attention the same as you would with the bath. Drowning takes seconds-why on earth take the risk? YANBU. DH once left our 2.5yo in the bath alone while he came downstairs to get his milk. I lost it. Needless to say someone is always in the bathroom with him now! (Or leaves for only a few seconds if needed eg to grab towel.)

Thanks for the opinions; I've shown my DH this thread which has been really helpful in agreeing a joint way forward with safety around water.

As I said upthread, he knows the tent thing was a mistake. He didn't 'leave my toddler to go to the pub', he took her back to the tent at the end of a Sunday lunch with friends and their families and returned to the table. I left immediately as there was no point discussing anything while she was unsupervised. It was rectified quickly and we were very lucky. He's a bit irritated that the incident was included in my OP as he thinks it has helped to warp the responses about paddling pools.

He sends his thanks for the suggestions of a parenting course for us both and is happy to go.

I am with you OP. You need to supervise very closely around water for a number of years. It is a potential hazard and accidents happen quickly. This is why looking after young children is tiring - they do need to be watched if there is risk around. Just how it is.

I probably am a bit too lax at times but am shocked that someone can think it’s OK to leave a 2.5 year old in a paddling pool without really close supervision. You don’t need to be a parent to know that children can drown even in a shallow pool or a deep puddle. Well done for trusting your instincts.

He's a bit irritated that the incident was included in my OP as he thinks it has helped to warp the responses about paddling pools.

Nope! Everyone knows that young children need closely supervised in water. Even older children/teens/adults should try and avoid swimming completely on their own because even really competent swimmers can drown.

But you go to the pub when she is asleep? Has Maddie taught you nothing? You could have stayed with her.

Obviously someone needs to be present but surely he's allowed to turn his head.

At this age, I'd be keeping a pretty most constant eye on her

2,5… yes defo next to her not leaving her by more than 4 feet.

show him a video of how fast and silent children drawning is. That will make him see the light. If not…no paddling pool except if you plan on not moving…

good luck 🌺

“…and when I pushed the convo further 'that he could hear her splashing'.
for heavens sake - must must must MUST be watching !!!!!!!!!!!!!😡

Christ! He sounds so irresponsible. Your anxiety is partly a result of his irresponsibility. The neglect of his own childhood explains but he needs to STOP NOW and set the bar a lot higher.

I'm a really very careful but I feel it's safe to walk around in the (small) garden while my grandchildren are in the water. I make sure I always can see them but yes sometimes I'll need to slightly turn my head. I never am in a position I can't see them but I'm not staring at them. So nó, I don't leave them unsupervised but still will hang laundry, go a few steps further to pick up a toy etc.

i think you're a tiny bit exagerating.

At 2.5 wouldn't one of you be playing with her in the pool?

In a paddling pool? Sitting in a plastic sheet in three inches of cold water? No thanks 😁

I will leave the bathroom for 30 seconds with my 4 year old in the bath if I need to grab something we’ve forgotten, but I will have her sit still and sing LOUDLY so I can hear her. I would never leave my 1.5 year old. I won’t even take a hand off her in the bath. In the garden we have a splash pad, rather than a full paddling pool, but even then I’m sitting right there watching them play. I don’t care if I seem over cautious. They are my children, and I don’t think that I could ever be too concerned with their safety.
I definitely would never leave her alone sleeping in a tent! She is very independent and clever, she can open zips, climb and run. She would wake up within a couple of minutes and would be off and away. And that’s without the risk of a stranger watching me leaving my child alone in a tent, and then god knows what could happen.
Your husband is so incredibly wrong, and needs to attend some kind of parenting workshop. I’d say he needs a massive wake-up call, but something that would be enough to have him realising that he needs to buck up his ideas, would probably involve risk to your child and I personally wouldn’t let things get that far. If it was me, I’d be showing him every news story I saw about children having accidents, and having every person in our life tell him about their experiences, and explain to him the realities and dangers of being so blasé with young children. Until he can be trusted, I wouldn’t give him an inch. Listen to your instincts. Your children are too important and too young to keep themselves safe.

Wouldn’t turn my back on a toddler in water. Not safe.

I'm sorry that can't be true. You'd not have them in the bath and turn round to pick up a towel or anything?

There is a bit of competitive caution on this thread.

4m is nothing. My bathroom is bigger than that! Turning hd head 90 degrees I think is fine if it is only for a second or 2

I wouldn't leave a child that young alone in water. Unfortunately drowning only takes a few seconds. It could easily be silent or sound like splashing about.

A friend child nearly died. The dad left the toddler in the bath to grab his phone. He came back quickly and the baby was dead under the water. It took 6 minutes for the child to be resuscitated. They could have lost the child that day and were very lucky.

My kids are much older 4 and 5 and I still wouldn't leave them unattended near water. Not even to grab a towel. It's not worth the risk.

So glad he’s taken it on board, that’s a good sign

I think that when Mums get pregnant, a lot of information gets thrown at us which I just don’t think Dads get. I know I did a lot of reading, got sent numerous emails, you go to baby groups etc that my DH didn’t.

Of course you could say it’s just common sense but if you’ve not had to think for anyone else before and not had great role models, then I can understand he may not be thinking correctly.

Good luck OP.

..... no I rather think the point was the OP does NOT 'go to the pub leaving the child asleep in the tent'.

As I understood it, family were all together at the pub - DH took child to the tent as it was bedtime (assuming, pub has a camping field, lots round here do) and instead of staying with child for a while until OP returned, he came back, and seeing him return, OP then went to take over.

OP could not have 'stayed with her' initially... she didn't know her DP had left her until she saw him coming back to their table.

At 2 and a half you are very close by in a paddling pool! Xx