Parenting rules over paddling pools?

[ElizaGolightly]

I'll try to keep this concise.

My Dh and I are currently at odds over safety around paddling pools. I tend towards more safety conscious/neurotic and we've previously had huge arguments over rear facing etc/leaving DD in a tent asleep while in a pub having lunch onsite. He isn't a bad parent but his parents were borderline neglectful of him so I think his measures of 'normal supervision' are off.

DD was in the paddling pool set up in the garden in the shade. DH came to stand in the doorway to the house and turned 90 degrees to DD looking at something else. I asked him to watch her and he said he 'could see her' and modelled that when he turned round he could see her and when I pushed the convo further 'that he could hear her splashing'.

I feel like it should be non negotiable that an adult should be watching her and she should be in sight lines so peripheral vision at least at all times as hearing her isn't enough. I feel like she could be splashing if she were drowning and we wouldn't immediately know the difference? For what it's worth, I also feel like if I needed to do something else then it's my responsibility to see the paddling pool emptied and inverted before leaving her unattended.

The argument has made me doubt myself - am I being neurotic and there is a compromise that is perfectly safe to do and I need to unclench a bit?

Any opinions much appreciated before I go and discuss this with DH.

Out of sight, across a large field with maybe forty other tents pitched.

We were finishing up lunch with friends and their kids, I asked him to take her back across the field to put her to bed (aged 1.5) and he then came back leaving her there. I exited immediately to sit by our tent. Our friends all told him (nicely) that he was out of order and I think he took it on board. I think he just doesn't think and bases judgements on his own childhood.

2.5 all times - it’s like a bath surely. Kids can drown quickly in only 2cm of water.

At that age an adult should be within arms reach in a paddling pool

OP, I don't think you're "neurotic". I think you're probably hypervigilant because you know that even though your child has 2 parents you're the only one capable of identifying and assessing risks to her safety. It must be exhausting and frustrating.

Turning his head 90 degrees isn’t leaving her unattended though. I agree she should be supervised but staring at her isn’t supervision it’s excessive

5cm sorry - according to this

https://www.rospa.com/resources/hubs/keeping-kids-safe/drowning

Christ I'd be reluctant to trust his judgement on anything after that!

Bloody hell! He’s not safe to look after her

And I'm very chilled about kids usually.

I’m on the boarder line neglectful line of parenting at times, and not a hope would have left a 1 year old in a tent by themselves or a 2.5 year old in a paddling pool.

OP, our local council offer a free workshop for parents of small children on preventing accidents in the home. Would your DH be willing to engage with something like this? It might help to give him some perspective on risk and an understanding of what 'normal' supervision looks like. Your Health Visiting Team should be able to advise if there's anything like that available local to you.

You do sound a tad over anxious. I’m sat here in my garden and if I turn my head 90 degrees I’m still aware of everything that’s happening in my garden.
Your comment about emptying the pool of you need to do something is also excessive - just take your dc with you!
Also, I’m amazed at the number of people on here who have witnessed children drowning and know that they’re silent!

At this age yes she needs to be supervised

I'll look this up, thank you, and see whether he'd be willing to go.

I think you've hit the nail on the head here.

I wouldn't trust him with her.

I probably am, hence asking MN. I got PNA and PND after having DD and have just had our second so wanted second opinions precisely because I don't trust that my own opinion isn't too strict.

Don’t doubt your instincts. You are right to be vigilant and your husband needs to step up.

2.5 year olds sleeping alone in tents can easily wake and be frightened or wander off. They certainly can easily drown if not being supervised.

Your job as parents is to mitigate those risks.

she was 1.5!

And yes, absolutely this.

No words. He’s being neglectful.

I'd be eyes on at all times at that age. As a PP said, accidents in water can be silent. Drowning isn't the only risk. Many brain injuries happen from near drowning. It's just not worth the risk. I only started to relax the rules around paddling pools when I was happy DD was confident in water and could swim but she still only has a very shallow one.
I feel for you OP, I'm the safety conscious one in my partnership and it's incredibly stressful having to be so vigilant all the time.

OMG children drown very quickly. Seconds. Google it, show it to your DH. Understand that your child could die quietly and quickly. You should be at arms length at all times. Don’t make an emotional argument but make him read about it.

I have 4 kids who are now aged between 5 and 12 and as "an experienced parent", I am on the pretty relaxed side of average. My 10 year old walks to the shops half a mile away alone, they can get the bus into town alone from Year 6, my 8 year old is allowed to light a candle in the bathroom etc.

No way would I ever leave a child unattended in a tent 100m+ away with 100+ people (with campfires, BBQs, dogs) in between - what if she'd come looking for you? And EVERYONE knows that water is a massive risk in childhood. Direct, arms length supervision until aged 4 and a grown up in the garden until junior school at least. Same with baths.

He may not realise it, but he's hoping to be lucky. Every time.

One time, he might not be.

He needs to be in line of sight, but doesn't need to have constant eyes on, a quick glance every few seconds I think is fine.