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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is completely wrong!? Abuse? I don't even know.

66 replies

ForRubyMentor · 31/07/2024 12:09

Hi all, I posted a few days ago about by partner commenting on how I looked just before we out to the swimming pool. I've been thinking about it alot and how all his behaviour from the past has impacted me - he slept around ALOT. He would go on nights out and bring women back to his and repeatedly lie about it. He slept with two women in one week on the Thursday and Saturday and me in between on the Friday. I then watched him get ready to go out with friends Saturday morning, he told me how much he loved me, kissed me and left. He took a heavily pregnant woman home from a club that night and slept with her.

A few weeks later he slept with another woman after a night out. Lied to me about it repeatedly. Lied straight to my face that night and told me he was alone when really he wasn't. There were more than just these three but there the ones that stick out right now. The last time he cheated was March this year.

Through all this he has said if I ever went near another man he would never see me again. He went MAD about me texting a man I knew one night even though he literally had a woman in his bed that very night having sex with her. He says it would hurt him more than it hurts me.

He promises he is faithful now and at the risk of sounding really stupid I do actually believe him. Things are very different in that sense and I don't think he is actually cheating anymore but my head is a mess with it all. He hurt me so deeply. He destroyed my self esteem. I question everything now. Maybe this is dramatic but I actually feel like I'm changed forever as a person because of this.

Anyway so last night I was very upset and tried to talk to him about how much this had all destroyed me. How it had affected my ability to trust. How I was angry at myself aswell as him for allowing it to happen knowing how much it was affecting my mental health. How I started getting lip filler and had a mole removed, spray tanning and even considered surgery - all things I'd never even thought about before. Some kind of attempt to keep a man who was destroying me!? I don't even know anymore.

Whilst I was crying, he apologised, he hugged me. I was lay on the bed and he liked cuddled into me and I had my arm round him and I was upset but I was starting to calm down and felt a tiny bit closer. Like maybe he really does get how wrong he was.....and he says, I shit you not he says....'I wanna play with your clit'.

Ffs. I give up. I actually give up here. Tears started pouring down my face and I left the room. We've 'spoke' about it this morning and he has zero clue why I was annoyed/upset. Said he was trying to cheer me up.

AIBU to think this is completely fucked!?! This is 100% real unfortunately.

OP posts:
GalileoHumpkins · 31/07/2024 12:11

Why are you with him? Relationships are meant to enhance your life not make it miserable.

Tosstyhat · 31/07/2024 12:12

He sounds like a cunt. Leave him.

Sunshineafterthehail · 31/07/2024 12:12

He cheats because he can. The only thing to change the cycle is for you to throw him to the dogs and dump him. Or this is your life...

SanMarzano · 31/07/2024 12:12

Why have you even put up with this for this long? Bin him now

WickWood · 31/07/2024 12:12

Just dump him... It really is that easy!

BobbyBiscuits · 31/07/2024 12:14

I'd say the fact that you seem to tolerate his multiple blatant infidelities is more of a worry than his crude sex chat.
Is there a reason why you want to stay with a serial cheat?

RishiIsACuntWaffle · 31/07/2024 12:14

Get rid.

PurpleReindeer2 · 31/07/2024 12:14

You'd feel so much better without him. Relationships are supposed to enhance your life. He makes yours worse. Dump him and move on with your life.

KreedKafer · 31/07/2024 12:15

Fucking HELL.

This is a massively, massively unhealthy relationship and you should absolutely leave him. He's a horrible, horrible man who treats like shit in every possible way. Please, please leave him.

TruthorDie · 31/07/2024 12:15

BobbyBiscuits · 31/07/2024 12:14

I'd say the fact that you seem to tolerate his multiple blatant infidelities is more of a worry than his crude sex chat.
Is there a reason why you want to stay with a serial cheat?

Errr this.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 31/07/2024 12:17

you've let him cheat on you constantly and get away with it - but you are now surprised at the disrespect he has shown you? why?

LoveWine123 · 31/07/2024 12:19

When a man tells you and shows you repeatedly what he is like, believe him. And leave

FictionalCharacter · 31/07/2024 12:22

He destroyed my self esteem.
Yes he has. Is this why you haven’t left? Your other thread was evidence enough that he’s an appalling man and you’ll be damaged even more if you stay with him and allow him to keep mistreating you.
Self esteem can be rebuilt. Loads of women on here have done it, and felt like they have a brand new life.

InsensibleMe · 31/07/2024 12:24

‘At the risk of sounding stupid…’
Your words, but perhaps the best course is to leave him and never ever see him again?

SilverBranchGoldenPears · 31/07/2024 12:24

Why do you expect any different? He has treated you like shit throughout and you seem surprised that he continues. You are giving him permission to do so.
Get some self respect. Dump his sorry sex-addicted arse.

summerdazey · 31/07/2024 12:25

Contact womens aid if you need help leaving

feathermucker · 31/07/2024 12:26

This whole relationship is a massive red flag and sounds spectacularly unhealthy.

OurChristmasMiracle · 31/07/2024 12:28

It’s definitely time to leave- he has no respect for you or women in general. He will continue doing what he has been because you have tolerated it.

please leave- he will only destroy you further and you deserve so much better.

PruneInTheNest · 31/07/2024 12:31

Eww does that not give you the ‘ick’?
you deserve so much better!

SoOriginal · 31/07/2024 12:32

You know he’s disgusting and doesn’t give a shit about you, at all. Like genuinely, HE DOESNT EVEN LIKE YOU!! if he liked you he would act like it! You can either stay and be treated like shit for as long as you stay, or you pick your self esteem up off the floor and leave with what’s left!

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 31/07/2024 12:33

This man only sees a woman in the context of having sex with her.
He clearly pursues sex as often as he can as a way to ‘cheer himself up’ as in he’s probably a sex addict.
He has no understanding of how you feel or how to relate to you at all. At your most vulnerable he has switched to a way of behaving which says far more about him.
Even if he is technically faithful now, the damage to you will never repaired while his behaviour isn’t. Whilst they may have been consenting adults, taking home a heavily pregnant woman home from a club in the way he did is deeply, deeply disturbing.
You will never get better living this life with him. You can’t trust him in any way and he has no way of showing care for you OP.

Turophilic · 31/07/2024 12:35

Your first post is as worrying, this one is without question a Leave The Bastard moment.

I’m sorry to say it do bluntly, OP, I really am, but I’m not sure you’d hear it if couched nicely.

You are his fuck toy, his possession, his company when he’s bored.

Someone who respects and loves you would never behave like this. You deserve so much more.

CakeAtFour · 31/07/2024 12:35

Why are you with this useless creep?

TipsyJoker · 31/07/2024 12:36

Dump him, block him everywhere and get individual counselling to figure out why you allowed yourself to be so disrespected and rebuild your self esteem. I suspect there’s probably issues from childhood that have made it difficult for you to know what a healthy relationship looks like and how you should or shouldn’t be treated. You’re a victim of abuse here by a horrible man who thinks that all women, (not specifically you) are toys for his own personal gratification. He doesn’t actually like women. He just uses women. He’s a pathetic article and you can do much, much better. I hope you don’t have any children with him but if you do, use a parenting app for child contact and learn the grey rock method.

VickyEadieofThigh · 31/07/2024 12:53

BobbyBiscuits · 31/07/2024 12:14

I'd say the fact that you seem to tolerate his multiple blatant infidelities is more of a worry than his crude sex chat.
Is there a reason why you want to stay with a serial cheat?

This.

I can't vote because you ARE unreasonable for staying with this twat.