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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is completely wrong!? Abuse? I don't even know.

66 replies

ForRubyMentor · 31/07/2024 12:09

Hi all, I posted a few days ago about by partner commenting on how I looked just before we out to the swimming pool. I've been thinking about it alot and how all his behaviour from the past has impacted me - he slept around ALOT. He would go on nights out and bring women back to his and repeatedly lie about it. He slept with two women in one week on the Thursday and Saturday and me in between on the Friday. I then watched him get ready to go out with friends Saturday morning, he told me how much he loved me, kissed me and left. He took a heavily pregnant woman home from a club that night and slept with her.

A few weeks later he slept with another woman after a night out. Lied to me about it repeatedly. Lied straight to my face that night and told me he was alone when really he wasn't. There were more than just these three but there the ones that stick out right now. The last time he cheated was March this year.

Through all this he has said if I ever went near another man he would never see me again. He went MAD about me texting a man I knew one night even though he literally had a woman in his bed that very night having sex with her. He says it would hurt him more than it hurts me.

He promises he is faithful now and at the risk of sounding really stupid I do actually believe him. Things are very different in that sense and I don't think he is actually cheating anymore but my head is a mess with it all. He hurt me so deeply. He destroyed my self esteem. I question everything now. Maybe this is dramatic but I actually feel like I'm changed forever as a person because of this.

Anyway so last night I was very upset and tried to talk to him about how much this had all destroyed me. How it had affected my ability to trust. How I was angry at myself aswell as him for allowing it to happen knowing how much it was affecting my mental health. How I started getting lip filler and had a mole removed, spray tanning and even considered surgery - all things I'd never even thought about before. Some kind of attempt to keep a man who was destroying me!? I don't even know anymore.

Whilst I was crying, he apologised, he hugged me. I was lay on the bed and he liked cuddled into me and I had my arm round him and I was upset but I was starting to calm down and felt a tiny bit closer. Like maybe he really does get how wrong he was.....and he says, I shit you not he says....'I wanna play with your clit'.

Ffs. I give up. I actually give up here. Tears started pouring down my face and I left the room. We've 'spoke' about it this morning and he has zero clue why I was annoyed/upset. Said he was trying to cheer me up.

AIBU to think this is completely fucked!?! This is 100% real unfortunately.

OP posts:
Richard1985 · 31/07/2024 13:05

I feel for you. Sometimes the loss of self esteem is such a slow burner that you don't realise what's happened. It takes years to be slowly chipped away

However, now you recognise that "He destroyed my self esteem", what's keeping you with him?

Justcallmebebes · 31/07/2024 13:11

He lies, cheats and treats you with no respect because you let him and I would bet a week's wages he will cheat again, if he's not already, precisely because you've let him get away with it Scott free

You deserve better

Justcallmebebes · 31/07/2024 13:13

And I hope you have regular sti checks and use condoms with Jim. He's playing Russian roulette with your health and fertility

Justcallmebebes · 31/07/2024 13:13

With him. Not Jim, unless he is named Jim

Wordsmithery · 31/07/2024 14:05

He doesn't need to change because you accept his crap every single time. So call his bluff. Dump him, chuck him out then block him. For ever. I promise you that you can do this, and that your self esteem will return. Go on, do it now.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 31/07/2024 14:12

He may say he loves you but if he did he wouldn't have kicked off about your texting another man - he'd have trusted you. I've been there! Was kidding myself
and wish I'd got out sooner.
He also is blatantly untrustworthy. Dump him xx

Deserthog · 31/07/2024 14:23

Firstly - leave him.

Secondly - have therapy to look at and address why you tolerated such poor behaviour from him in the first place.

CreativeOriginalUsername · 31/07/2024 14:25

He sounds revolting. What on earth do you see in him?!

MounjaroUser · 31/07/2024 14:26

Come on, OP. Is this the life you dreamed of?

You deserve so much more than this awful man.

Is he living in your house or did you get somewhere together?

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 31/07/2024 14:31

Why did you ever put up with any of this? Have your experiences in life led you to believe that it's ok for a man to treat his partner this way? Why do you not utterly hate him? I'd hate a man who treated anyone I knew like this, never mind me! Please dump this absolute scumbag asap.

Gracelet · 31/07/2024 14:47

He sounds dreadful! But no, it's not abuse, it's literally someone behaving like a complete dick.

Redflagsabounded · 31/07/2024 14:49

I've voted you are being unreasonable - because I can't fathom why you are staying with this absolute piece of shit.

outdamnedspots · 31/07/2024 14:50

Sunshineafterthehail · 31/07/2024 12:12

He cheats because he can. The only thing to change the cycle is for you to throw him to the dogs and dump him. Or this is your life...

This.

Waitingfordoggo · 31/07/2024 14:54

Why on earth have you stuck around so long for this complete bellend? Seems like you have absolutely no self respect which is really sad.

Please, you can do way better than this. You are worth more than this. I would walk away, block him and never speak to him again- but then I have respect for myself. Please find some respect for yourself asap.

Dotto · 31/07/2024 14:59

No, I think there's something wrong with him. It's not too late to escape this and build yourself up again x

CouldIBeAnymoreOuting · 31/07/2024 15:01

None of what you’ve described is in any way normal in a relationship. Even if he has stopped cheating (doubtful that will last), he does not respect you. This will not change. If you can leave, you will be much happier without him. This man is not worth your time.

DaisyChain505 · 31/07/2024 15:01

Surely this posts isn’t real?

if by some stretch it is, get some self respect and dump his ass.

HansSolo22 · 31/07/2024 15:05

Tosstyhat · 31/07/2024 12:12

He sounds like a cunt. Leave him.

Couldn’t have worded this any better. Absolutely spot on.

ShennyInfinity · 31/07/2024 15:06

BobbyBiscuits · Today 12:14
I'd say the fact that you seem to tolerate his multiple blatant infidelities is more of a worry than his crude sex chat.
Is there a reason why you want to stay with a serial cheat?

This sums it up, you must have a very low esteem or at least have now and I'm not one bit surprised, he's ground you down until you're running on empty. Google serial cheat,it's never going to stop and if you can live with that you're heading for a life of pure hell, but if it was me, I'd be out of there as fast as my legs could carry me. Have you also thought about STDs? I'd be getting myself checked out asap. I'm really sorry you're going through this but there are decent men out there, don't settle for less, you only get one life and you're not living it. you're tolerating it and that's no way to live, don't look back on your life in 20 years time with regrets, you're worth more than this.

adviceneeded1990 · 31/07/2024 15:13

When someone shows you who they are, believe them! You can do 100% better and I know that without ever having met you because NO ONE deserves to feel the way you feel about yourself when you are with him. Leave, leave, leave.

TheMightyWanderer · 31/07/2024 15:15

Does this man truly sound like a partner to you? A partner is supposed (on the whole) to make your life better, easier, happier — and they’re supposed to RESPECT you. Is he really doing this? Has he EVER?!

PUT HIM IN THE BIN and spend some time healing. You deserve better.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/07/2024 15:15

Not sure if it's abusive however he is a genuinely awful person who has no respect dor you or your relationship and treats you terribly. In a way it doesn't matter what you call it, it's not acceptable, it's making you miserable, you'll never be able to forget what he has done and he won't change in the future.

Do yourself a favour and dump him, concentrate on being single, getting counselling to figure out why you accepted this behaviour, and work on building your self esteem

ShouldhavebeencalledAppollo · 31/07/2024 15:18

You self esteeem must have been in the floor before you met him. Why would you have even accepted this the first time it happened?

You are looking to someone who is harming you, to heal you.

He isn’t going to be faithful. Because he knows you will stay with him. He doesn’t care about you. He cares about getting his end away

flyinghen · 31/07/2024 15:18

You already know you need to leave him, it's just a case of when you are ready to do so. I urge you to make it soon for your sake, seriously there is someone out there who will respect you. I also wouldn't believe for a second that he's not cheating on you. He sounds revolting to the extreme and you deserve better. It's not meant to be like this!

Shoxfordian · 31/07/2024 15:20

Why are you still wasting your life with him? He has no respect for you at all