To feel dragged down by this?

[MyMellowBlueFinch]

I’ve been with DP for around four years, we don’t live together and are both divorced so have DC (2 each).

I was fresh out my marriage when we got together and for the first year or so everything was pretty good. He’s always been prone to overwhelm (would sometimes have occasions where he got annoyed and would block me for a day or so) but mainly we had a good time, we got on well, we felt ‘right’ and emotionally I felt he understood me.
However gradually - and especially the last 18 months - I feel he has become increasingly negative about everything. Especially if he feels he’s not getting the recognition he deserves. He will then rant / go on about there perceived slights for hours. The longest time (without me even saying a word) was over two hours. Currently he feels that his special abilities and talents are not recognised at work and people don’t see him as being as able as he is. He regularly tells me he’s done things other people couldn’t / can’t do and no one recognises his intelligence and strengths.
I am unsure if he’s become more negative as he’s got older because he’s realising that maybe he won’t go so much further than this career wise?

He is also very negative about other people - for example if we go for a meal and something isn’t ’right’ it can sour the tone of the whole evening.
He jumps to worse case scenario immediately, like he accidentally drove through a red light in a city he hadn’t been in before and he immediately went to ‘I’m going to lose my licence (no existing points), I’m going to go to court’ etc. in the end nothing happened. He was shouting and hitting the steering wheel when it happened - I wasn’t with him but he called me just afterwards.
He also throws things sometimes when he’s overwhelmed and angry.
I often feel now like even small issues are dreadful. It seems disproportionate to me but something small will happen and the doom will come over me as well. Driving is a real trigger for him so I tend to drive us because he gets so angry with other road users.
I guess I’m just feeling worn out by it? When he’s good he’s great but then I’d say it’s about 50/50 for times like this. The good part keeps me hooked in but I am starting to wonder if I would feel better in myself without the negativity.
No one is very good enough, or considerate enough or understands how hard his life is or makes a special allowance etc.

is this just how relationships can be?

I love him but I don’t really look forward to seeing him anymore because I never quite know what I’m going to get.

You're a better woman than I am. No man would block me and have me speak to him again.

He sounds an absolute drain on you. You must be on tenterhooks not knowing what the day will hold. The thing is, it's not as if you can weigh it up and say he only does it once a month or whatever if that date casts a shadow on the rest of the month.

It would depress me to think of seeing him. It would be a relief to know I didn't have to see him.

This isnt normal.

Only 50% good? You are waiting on tenterhooks to see which version of him is going to turn up. His rages are dangerous to you and everyone else.

Definitely not normal and it’s been like this for almost half the time you’ve been together and is just getting worse.

I think your gut is telling you to move on op.
To be honest, that all sounds very wearing. Sometimes I think that ‘catastrophising’ and panicking is quite abusive and deliberate as it keeps you constantly alert to his needs.

Don’t think I could stick all that grief.

Head for the hills. Don't subject your children to this arsehole.

Your OP is like a list of reasons why his wife divorced him (& I bet their marriage only lasted as long as it did because of the kids).

He makes you unhappy more than he makes you happy; move on!

God, I wonder if it’s my ex! He got worse and worse as he got older, more bitter about the fact the world didn’t recognise how awesome he was. I used to have to listen to it for hours. It was awful. I’d get rid, it won’t get better.

My ex was like that which is why he is my ex

Please don't put up with it. You do not deserve to be treated like that.

It's hard when you know the highs are great and you love him but surely your dread of meeting him and his unpredictable nature will eventually make you resentful?

Yeah I'm going straight to LTB, this sounds so draining! Being on eggshells to see what mood he is in is no way to live and you deserve better

Jeez, doesn’t sound to appealing to me.

I think it is safe to assume this will only get worse and you will feel increasingly drained by it. Time to draw a line under it. Sorry OP

From what you've described he sounds like a vulnerable narcissist. No this isn't how relationships are, you deserve better.

I always wonder what made the wife ditch him…
My DH is like this, I sometimes think of his Ex.

Good grief, you seriously think you might be unreasonable? He’s an aggressive, angry, paranoid, resentful, shouty man. And he’s dangerous. I would genuinely never get in a car again with someone who shouts and hits the steering wheel while he’s driving.

Have some self respect, get away from him and enjoy the peace for a while before you start dating again.

Eww. What a fucking twat.

Let him go, seriously. You don’t need this negativity and you certainly don’t need to subject your children to it.

Op you don’t need to justify to anyone even yourself why you want to leave him . He’s a horrible abusive man. Don’t waste any more time waiting for the odd glimpse of a nice man. Move on.

I wonder how it felt to write all of that down?

Can you see it for what it is now?

Because to read this, he sounds manipulative, self centred but entirely lacking in self-awareness

The classic 'people don't see how great i am' is narcissistic. Like everyone should be thinking about him and praising him - grow up!

The silent treatment/blocking is, as others have pointed out, highly manipulative verging on abusive.

nothing in your post hints at a man worth being in a relationship with

No, this is definitely not how relationships are meant to be and his behaviour is not normal. Living your life, walking around on egg shells, wondering what version of him, you'll be seeing, is utterly emotionally draining. He is paranoid, aggressive, self-centred, over-reacts and full of negativity. He seems to have vast mood swings, one minute everything is amazing and the next the world is ending because of a minor issue. Could he be bipolar? Or have some other underlying issue? It's not normal on any level. He needs to seek help from a professional. If he won't, then you seriously need to walk away, because you deserve better.

What in God's name are you doing being involved with a nasty, angry, boring, abusive, twat?
Thank goodness you haven't moved him into your home with your poor children.

You are wasting your time with this unhinged lunatic.

Dump him ASAP.

Dump him!!

He ranted for two hours? I'd have chucked him out the door after five minutes.

It has crossed my mind re a personality disorder but I wondered if I was being over the top.
He hasn’t got any friends either - which seems unusual? He says he has never been bothered about keeping them.

I know the whole ‘I’m so special compared to everyone else’ isn’t targeted at me exactly but it feels like an attack when he’s just going full rant about how he should be better recognised than he is. Also can’t stand it if he thinks someone else has ‘stolen’ his idea. Has a thing about status and not being ‘subordinate.’ Refers to other people who are not as ‘high up’ as him at work as his subordinates though. If they don’t reply to emails quickly enough he says he will ‘pull rank.’ It is tiresome.
Im trying to unpick the attachment here because it doesn’t necessarily feel very healthy.