To feel dragged down by this?

[MyMellowBlueFinch]

I’ve been with DP for around four years, we don’t live together and are both divorced so have DC (2 each).

I was fresh out my marriage when we got together and for the first year or so everything was pretty good. He’s always been prone to overwhelm (would sometimes have occasions where he got annoyed and would block me for a day or so) but mainly we had a good time, we got on well, we felt ‘right’ and emotionally I felt he understood me.
However gradually - and especially the last 18 months - I feel he has become increasingly negative about everything. Especially if he feels he’s not getting the recognition he deserves. He will then rant / go on about there perceived slights for hours. The longest time (without me even saying a word) was over two hours. Currently he feels that his special abilities and talents are not recognised at work and people don’t see him as being as able as he is. He regularly tells me he’s done things other people couldn’t / can’t do and no one recognises his intelligence and strengths.
I am unsure if he’s become more negative as he’s got older because he’s realising that maybe he won’t go so much further than this career wise?

He is also very negative about other people - for example if we go for a meal and something isn’t ’right’ it can sour the tone of the whole evening.
He jumps to worse case scenario immediately, like he accidentally drove through a red light in a city he hadn’t been in before and he immediately went to ‘I’m going to lose my licence (no existing points), I’m going to go to court’ etc. in the end nothing happened. He was shouting and hitting the steering wheel when it happened - I wasn’t with him but he called me just afterwards.
He also throws things sometimes when he’s overwhelmed and angry.
I often feel now like even small issues are dreadful. It seems disproportionate to me but something small will happen and the doom will come over me as well. Driving is a real trigger for him so I tend to drive us because he gets so angry with other road users.
I guess I’m just feeling worn out by it? When he’s good he’s great but then I’d say it’s about 50/50 for times like this. The good part keeps me hooked in but I am starting to wonder if I would feel better in myself without the negativity.
No one is very good enough, or considerate enough or understands how hard his life is or makes a special allowance etc.

is this just how relationships can be?

I love him but I don’t really look forward to seeing him anymore because I never quite know what I’m going to get.

It felt like rage more than anxiety - it often seems to appear at rage tbh.

Sounds awful, surprised you’re still with him.

I agree re the emotional dysregulation.
I do think he can choose to control it better at times though. Not fully as he is like this to a degree with everyone - but I believe he is worse with me and his dc.
His dc often mirror his behaviour.

It makes me sad because I know how he can be when regulated but I guess it’s a bit pointless saying that because I can’t have one without the other.

He sounds like too much hard work.

No, it's not normal.

Sounds very much my narcissistic ex.

Things won't get any better that's for sure. They will get much worse.

Walk away and don't spend anymore of your precious life on him.

I wouldn't be staying with the overgrown toddler. Wait until retirement when he'll only have you to take his moods out on!

The honeymoon phase is over and you are now seeing the real man.

It's good that you don't live together.

This isn't normal, you know it's not. Start retreating now, he's not going to improve and do you really want to waste any more years on this tiresome man?

It comes across like you are really babying him and making excuses for his shitty behaviour.

He isn’t a child who has tantrums due to ‘overwhelm’. He is a grown man who is choosing to act like a prick - road rage, throwing things, general negativity and making you feel like you’re on eggshells around him.

This won’t get any better. Time to rethink this relationship, I’d say.

You've answered your own question. x

Sometimes I think that ‘catastrophising’ and panicking is quite abusive and deliberate as it keeps you constantly alert to his needs.

Very astute observation @Whalewatching

Sounds like stress or anxiety or even a hidden alcohol issue if he drinks. None of which you have to support him through of you don't want to. Personally I couldn't be bothered given you don't have kids together.

Draining, boring, conceited prick. No wonder he has no friends.

Listen to your gut
A DP should enhance your life
Tell him it's over

I remember once we were out together and there was a woman with a really cute puppy in her trolley. I stopped to pet it and had a quick chat with her and he just walked off.

When I went after him I could see by his body language that he was annoyed and he was really angry with me for stopping to see a dog?! He said he hated dogs and all they do is ‘shit everywhere’ and ‘bark’ and a lot of dog owners are entitled and think because they have a dog they own the place.
His language often changes when he’s angry / rage full. He starts to swear but not in a normal way… I can’t really describe it. It’s like it becomes aggressive - not at me necessarily but aggressive nevertheless.

But that’s only a small thing I guess. It just seemed weird at the time.

I think you nailed it yourself. He is disappointed with how his life has turned out because he isn't getting the acclaim he thinks he deserves and it's turning into an obsession. Unfortunately while not 'normal' ime it's not uncommon amongst ordinary run of the mill men. They grow up believing that the value of a man is measured by their career success, which is bad enough on its own, as with the best will in the world, there are a lot more soldiers than generals and they can't all be at the top. For some it's even worse because they are less able than they believe themselves to be. They confuse hard work and experience with exceptionalism, and become increasingly frustrated as younger people are valued more.
Unfortunately the only 'cure' is for them to focus less on their job and prioritise other aspects of life, seek validation in relationships and family. Your man had the opportunity to do this when you met, but has remained focused on his job frustration, so I very much doubt this will change now and his attitude will likely only get worse.

You don't live together. Nothing about his behaviour is normal. End it and get some peace and joy.

Well I guess you know why he’s divorced…

No good reason not to end this and walk away now.

He is emotionally abusive - blocking you, unpredictable moods, keeping you guessing as to what will set him off next - getting angry with you for petting a puppy FGS?!

Please just end this. I promise you it does not get better.

He throws things? Like what?

He hated that you gave attention to something other than him.

My ex once walked out my house in a mood when I dared hold my hamster!!

Your guy is a narcissist. They can be charming to hook you in and keep you but they are utterly toxic and he will destroy your self esteem.

Walk away now before it gets worse.

It will only escalate, and before you know it you’ll be walking on eggshells in your daily life just to prevent an outburst.

Cut him loose.

God, this sounds horrible and you absolutely don't need to put up with it. Cut your losses and enjoy having some time without temperamental men who's problems become yours to deal with. He's definitely not going to improve, very likely will get worse, and is showing his true colours as bad partner material. Be glad you had the good bit first but don't use that as a reason to cling onto this sinking ship. Get out and take some time for yourself.