To feel dragged down by this?

[MyMellowBlueFinch]

I’ve been with DP for around four years, we don’t live together and are both divorced so have DC (2 each).

I was fresh out my marriage when we got together and for the first year or so everything was pretty good. He’s always been prone to overwhelm (would sometimes have occasions where he got annoyed and would block me for a day or so) but mainly we had a good time, we got on well, we felt ‘right’ and emotionally I felt he understood me.
However gradually - and especially the last 18 months - I feel he has become increasingly negative about everything. Especially if he feels he’s not getting the recognition he deserves. He will then rant / go on about there perceived slights for hours. The longest time (without me even saying a word) was over two hours. Currently he feels that his special abilities and talents are not recognised at work and people don’t see him as being as able as he is. He regularly tells me he’s done things other people couldn’t / can’t do and no one recognises his intelligence and strengths.
I am unsure if he’s become more negative as he’s got older because he’s realising that maybe he won’t go so much further than this career wise?

He is also very negative about other people - for example if we go for a meal and something isn’t ’right’ it can sour the tone of the whole evening.
He jumps to worse case scenario immediately, like he accidentally drove through a red light in a city he hadn’t been in before and he immediately went to ‘I’m going to lose my licence (no existing points), I’m going to go to court’ etc. in the end nothing happened. He was shouting and hitting the steering wheel when it happened - I wasn’t with him but he called me just afterwards.
He also throws things sometimes when he’s overwhelmed and angry.
I often feel now like even small issues are dreadful. It seems disproportionate to me but something small will happen and the doom will come over me as well. Driving is a real trigger for him so I tend to drive us because he gets so angry with other road users.
I guess I’m just feeling worn out by it? When he’s good he’s great but then I’d say it’s about 50/50 for times like this. The good part keeps me hooked in but I am starting to wonder if I would feel better in myself without the negativity.
No one is very good enough, or considerate enough or understands how hard his life is or makes a special allowance etc.

is this just how relationships can be?

I love him but I don’t really look forward to seeing him anymore because I never quite know what I’m going to get.

I would feel dragged down too - he sounds bloody exhausting!

Honestly OP, you really don't need this shit. He sounds entitled, grumpy, pompous, controlling, angry

Even if it was 5% of the time it wouldn't be acceptable

Imagine dealing with this for the rest of your life...

Leave asap

He throws stuff like pens, paper, books - nothing heavy or likely to hurt anyone.
It’s like a loss of control at that particular moment.
But basically he’s very negative about nearly everything and everyone. It’s like if people don’t accommodate him then they are ‘idiots.’ Like for example if we went to the supermarket and they were restocking the shelves where he wanted to get to he’d start a rant about what a stupid time of day it was (doesn’t matter what time) to restock and people aren’t good at their jobs and why is it so hard to get things right etc. something like that could set him off on a path of angry ranting that could last an hour or so.

Driving is awful. Criticises basically every other road user. Also has a thing about parking. Has been known to get into a row with people parked somewhere he thinks they shouldn’t be, even though they aren’t affecting him.
Apparently I don’t understand because I am ‘weak’ and lack ‘principles.’

He actually has a civil relationship with his ex wife but I do remember him saying she’d told him her mental health was much better since they’d split up.

So what are you going to do about it? Keep telling us anecdotes about how awful he is, keep being told yes you're right he's awful?

I think rather than focus on him, you really should take a look at yourself and why on earth you have such a horrifically low relationship bar.

He's an absolute horror.
You have children.
That you would have him near you, not to mind your children is astounding.

He's a narcissistic, angry, odious little man.

Do you actually have sex with him?🤢🤮

How could you stomach it?

he sounds awful. Must be so draining to be in a relationship with such a negative person and the shouting/throwing/banging things I would find much too aggressive

This is not someone your children need to have in their lives. Or you. Listen to all the women on here and get rid. This is NOT how a relationship should make you feel.

He's the sort of person most people want to avoid. Why do you want to be with him?

Jeez, everything else added up is for sure an LTB but this

Apparently I don’t understand because I am ‘weak’ and lack ‘principles.’

That's an instant dismissal. Anyone who dared degrade me by calling me weak and lacking in principles would immediately discover that they were very much wrong about that.

I know what I should do…
Im finding it harder than I should because he can be great. My therapist says he is chocolate with a side of arsenic, but the trouble is I can’t have one without the other.

DP says he feels things more than other people and so his responses are stronger. I feel like this is an excuse for poor behaviour at times.
When he’s good he’s great but I can never be sure what might happen to bring him back down again.
I love him but I love him most from a distance - in person it often doesn’t marry up with my idea of him. Sometimes I’ve really been looking forward to something and then it’s been spoiled.

DP says he feels things more than other people and so his responses are stronger. I feel like this is an excuse for poor behaviour at times.

You are absolutely correct. “I feel things more than you do” is the national anthem of self-absorbed drama queens who think their feelz are the most important feelz there are.

I am a highly sensitive person and its a daily effort to stay regulated through managing my environment and schedule, being self-aware when I am starting to feel upset or flustered or overwhelmed, keeping strong boundaries with people who trigger me, breathing practices etc.

My sensitivity can also be very enriching and rewarding but it’s my responsibility to manage it. Being sensitive doesn’t give me the right to act out on other people.

@Capeprimrose nailed it with He's a narcissistic, angry, odious little man

It seems to me he's exhibiting classic narc behaviour. Do yourself a massive favour and get out of this relationship as it will just get worse.

Don't throw this one back for some other poor bugger to catch.

Eat the bastard

(in reference to the amazing spider thread of the other week)

Emotional dysregulation sadly
Have a look at EUPD

It sounds like you're reluctant to end this relationship OP, in spite of the fact that you have now come to realise, that he's actually a bit of a misery guts, and the sort of person that other people would avoid, rather than sit and listen to him pontificate about how superior he is to everyone else on this planet.

I honestly think that while you say you love him, you're just not yet ready to admit to yourself that you've wasted 2 years of your life, by continuing the relationship far past it's sell by date. Only you can make the decision OP, but in your shoes I'd be walking away from this one, after all, who wants to spend their life with someone who enjoys moaning about everything and every one? I certainly dont!

Narcissists can indeed be great. That's what makes them so toxic. They are charming, attentive (at least initially) and they hook you in.

If they were all bad no one would be in a relationship with one.

But it will only get worse and he'll make you doubt yourself to the point you won't feel able to leave.

Please trust yourself and leave now.

Urgh massive superiority complex, main character syndrome and perpetual victim behaviour…alongside a nasty temper.

Youve found yourself a hideous combination of undesirable personality traits in one man.😫

He will.not. change.

What you have hete is what is called a "covert narcissist." Read up about it online and you will see it explains his behaviour exactly. And ps you have to end it, as they are not fixable.

While you mull over what to do. Don't entertain it anymore. As soon as he starts ranting, put the phone down, leave, drop him off, go home etc. Just don't be an audience to it

Fucking hell. No, OP, this is absolutely not ‘just how relationships can be’. None of this is remotely normal or OK.

Especially if he feels he’s not getting the recognition he deserves. He will then rant / go on about there perceived slights for hours. The longest time (without me even saying a word) was over two hours. Currently he feels that his special abilities and talents are not recognised at work and people don’t see him as being as able as he is. He regularly tells me he’s done things other people couldn’t / can’t do and no one recognises his intelligence and strengths.

He’s genuinely unhinged. This is personality disorder territory. He’s an unstable, manipulative narcissist.

You say that he’s been especially bad “over the past 18 months” but you’ve only been together for four years. In other words, things have been bad for almost half of your relationship. And that’s not even counting his hissy fits at the start where he was blocking you in fits of temper.

He’s an absolute nightmare who constantly messes with your head. You spend your life walking on eggshells. End this relationship now.

He sounds like a psychopath.

Yeah you’re tip toeing around him and adjusting your behaviour to accommodate his ginormous ego and temper tantrums.

This is not someone you want to grow old with.