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Original poster

Huge fight with LDR partner. Is this relationship ending?

61 replies

CallyT · 29/07/2024 19:19

My partner and I live three hours apart due to his job. We met in my city and then he moved. We've been together a year. For the record he is on the spectrum and doesn't make friends easily.

So we currently can't see each other until next month or so I thought (as he is going to a wedding abroad and I couldn't go).

He calls me tonight and casually mentions he will be in my city on Thursday and Friday to spend time with a new colleague. Digging further this is a woman he just met through work last week (she lives on another continent). He plans to show her round, have dinner and take her to a gallery. He then said he hoped to squeeze in seeing me!!

Well I lost it. Asked how he could be considering coming to my city and not see me and was he going on a date?

It took a really long time for him to say it was just friendly networking and that he told her he had a partner. I could not believe he was seriously considering wining and dining her and not seeing me.

So now he is going to see me but it has opened a conversation. He says he wants to be able to make new female friends and not be controlled. I said I won't be making new male friends

We have been very happy and I'm honestly stunned by this. Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
TigerMum8 · 29/07/2024 19:23

No, he obviously wants to start playing hide the pickle with these other women.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/07/2024 19:23

Well, it would be over for me, I can assure you of that. He's dating another woman, and I don't care what bullshit excuses he's using to try and smooth this over. I am sure this isn't the only time he's done this.

batsandeggs · 29/07/2024 19:27

People in relationships are perfectly allowed to have and make friends of the opposite sex. Doing what he is doing is not that and it sounds sketchy as hell that he’s effectively taking this woman on a date, hid it until now and wasn’t even planning on seeing you. Weird and huge red flag.

Talulahalula · 29/07/2024 19:31

Yes, that’s a bit odd.
The bit about being ‘allowed’ to make new friends is a bit of a red herring. I think you tend to make friends organically, for example, through shared interests or because you have mutual friends and that is perfectly normal. But this meeting is not organic, your partner has told you he won’t be able to see you and then has made detailed arrangements to meet this other woman and had not planned to tell you. And even if he was networking, surely one part of the itinerary would be sufficient.

UnRavellingFast · 29/07/2024 19:34

He’s not taking you seriously I’m afraid and if you don’t wish to be one of his booty calls, it is the end. Better for you to control the ending. Good luck and sorry.

Izzosaura · 29/07/2024 19:35

CallyT · 29/07/2024 19:19

My partner and I live three hours apart due to his job. We met in my city and then he moved. We've been together a year. For the record he is on the spectrum and doesn't make friends easily.

So we currently can't see each other until next month or so I thought (as he is going to a wedding abroad and I couldn't go).

He calls me tonight and casually mentions he will be in my city on Thursday and Friday to spend time with a new colleague. Digging further this is a woman he just met through work last week (she lives on another continent). He plans to show her round, have dinner and take her to a gallery. He then said he hoped to squeeze in seeing me!!

Well I lost it. Asked how he could be considering coming to my city and not see me and was he going on a date?

It took a really long time for him to say it was just friendly networking and that he told her he had a partner. I could not believe he was seriously considering wining and dining her and not seeing me.

So now he is going to see me but it has opened a conversation. He says he wants to be able to make new female friends and not be controlled. I said I won't be making new male friends

We have been very happy and I'm honestly stunned by this. Am I over reacting?

I think it is completely understandable for you to be feeling really hurt by this and to question your relationship.

I can maaaybe see that if this woman were some important business contact / potential client, he would want to invest time in cultivating that.

I also disagree with your notion that a man in a relationship with you shouldn't be able to make new female friends and vice versa. Personally my husband and I both have friends of both sexes, including some made more recently through work, and neither of us feel threatened by that.

But... and they are big buts.

  1. Wining and dining a 'new friend' in a city hours away seems very 'extra' and I would be deeply uncomfortable with a partner of mine doing that.
  2. If your partner didn't have the time or inclination to make the journey to your city to see you but has the time to do it with someone they just met, that suggests a serious lack of enthusiasm for / prioritisation of your relationship.
Sunnydiary · 29/07/2024 19:37

I would consider this relationship over.

Treeslovetrees · 29/07/2024 19:49

He’s testing you to see if you’re ok with his plans. He fully intends to shop around, do you want to continue with him?
YANBU to tell him no.
It’s very hurtful to make that journey for another woman, but not you. It’s also lack of creativity to take her to the same city he spent time in with you.

Olika · 29/07/2024 19:52

It's over. He is showing you how important (not) you are. Just end it.

LaughingElderberry · 29/07/2024 19:53

What does "squeeze in" seeing you, translate to, I wonder?

I'm treating another woman to drinks and dinner, but I'll pop in at some point for a quick shag with you?

Throw this one back.

dunroamingfornow · 29/07/2024 19:54

He can find the time to meet someone else and will travel to do so. He can't find the time to see you. Factually that's incredibly hurtful. I would consider it over

fdsgfd · 29/07/2024 19:56

He can have new friends (male and female).

He shouldn't want to prioritise travelling 3 hrs to YOUR home city to spend time with someone he has just met. If he was committed to you he'd be making that journey to see you.

Throw him back

something2say · 29/07/2024 19:57

This is not 'ten out of ten' behaviour from him towards you is it? My partner would never come here and not see me. Never. You can do better. I'm really sorry xxx

soscarlet · 29/07/2024 19:58

I don’t understand the heterosexual thing of not having friends of the opposite sex. Surely it’s a good thing if your partner can have friends of the opposite sex - it shows they don’t view your sex as only for sex… but that’s not what this is, and this bloke trying to wail about being “controlled” and not being allowed to have friends is a distraction technique.

He can’t be bothered to travel to see you, but can for this person. To me it wouldn’t matter if it was a male or female friend, it’s that the relationship isn’t being prioritised. It feels very “he’ll see you if he has time”. Don’t let anyone leave you hanging, end it now.

RedHelenB · 29/07/2024 19:58

I don't see the problem, she's a new colleague a long way from home, why shouldn't he be friendly towards her?

BobbyBiscuits · 29/07/2024 19:59

You say he struggles to make friends. Surely it could be good for him to have some? I wouldn't say it's a date, just that he's meeting a friend. If they were male would it be ok? Unless you genuinely think he wants to cheat with her...
But I can see it's not going to work if your values around opposite sex friendships don't match up.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/07/2024 19:59

RedHelenB · 29/07/2024 19:58

I don't see the problem, she's a new colleague a long way from home, why shouldn't he be friendly towards her?

Oh FFS.

Soontobe60 · 29/07/2024 20:01

How long did you live together before he moved to a different city?

Uricon2 · 29/07/2024 20:02

Nothing wrong with making new friends, but travelling to your LD partners city to wine/dine and show another woman a nice time while not planning to see LD partner (and not liking being called out) tells me this relationship is absolutely dead in the water. Sorry OP.

lavenderlou · 29/07/2024 20:11

I think the fact that you said he has autism is relevant here. It sounds to me like he is lacking in communication and relationship skills rather than that he is intending to be unfaithful. Now that you have pointed out that the situation isn't working for you, has he offered to change anything to rectify things? Eg, spend a couple of hours showing the colleague round then spending the rest of the time with you?

However, as someone who has a number of family members with autism, this is unlikely to be the last time he acts in a way that you consider thoughtless. He might be able to improve with some help and guidance from you, but you probably need to consider whether that's something that would work for you in a relationship.

Original poster
CallyT · 29/07/2024 20:25

She flies back to Indonesia at the weekend. So it is a temporary situation.

He said he has always had more female friends and struggled with male friendships.

I am just in a state of utter shock that he would come all this way and suggest he would squeeze me in. He then said he didn't want to impose as he knew I was busy. Logic does not make sense.

Usually he is very empathetic so I'm genuinely very shocked by this.

OP posts:
something2say · 29/07/2024 21:17

I wouldn't take anything from what he says now; I would take everything from his actions.

He would come to your city and not see you. That means he may be lukewarm about his feelings towards you.

You don't need to know anything more really - my feeling is, your future husband would drive nine hours to see you for one hour, and take you with him if he moved jobs - this level of lukewarm love is not good enough and you should not settle, now that it has made itself known.

I am sorry - but in the long run it will be a good thing that you haven't wasted anymore time here.

Original poster
CallyT · 29/07/2024 21:21

@something2say just two weeks ago he did travel a similar distance to see me. He was working far away and travelling all day to reach me then stayed a week.

Every sign showed that he was serious and loved me. I am just stunned at the moment.

I don't even believe he is planning to cheat, I genuinely think he doesn't get (autism) or feel as I do.

OP posts:
PeriIsKickingMyButt · 29/07/2024 21:22

This is just...no. Just no. This would be the absolute end for me.

Fathomless · 29/07/2024 21:23

a year in he should be making this sort of effort only for YOU.