Huge fight with LDR partner. Is this relationship ending?

[CallyT]

My partner and I live three hours apart due to his job. We met in my city and then he moved. We've been together a year. For the record he is on the spectrum and doesn't make friends easily.

So we currently can't see each other until next month or so I thought (as he is going to a wedding abroad and I couldn't go).

He calls me tonight and casually mentions he will be in my city on Thursday and Friday to spend time with a new colleague. Digging further this is a woman he just met through work last week (she lives on another continent). He plans to show her round, have dinner and take her to a gallery. He then said he hoped to squeeze in seeing me!!

Well I lost it. Asked how he could be considering coming to my city and not see me and was he going on a date?

It took a really long time for him to say it was just friendly networking and that he told her he had a partner. I could not believe he was seriously considering wining and dining her and not seeing me.

So now he is going to see me but it has opened a conversation. He says he wants to be able to make new female friends and not be controlled. I said I won't be making new male friends

We have been very happy and I'm honestly stunned by this. Am I over reacting?

Please don’t be played OP.

Big update:

He messaged to say he has now cancelled plans with the woman completely and if I will still have him he will come to see me instead.

He said he also wanted to apologize for behaving in an unacceptable manner and asked if we can talk further tomorrow...

Nah, that all sounds a bit suspicious, especially as he didn't volunteer the information - you had to dig a bit. At best he is taking you for granted, at worst he is just not that into you and keeping you on back burner.

He can't see you for a month yet he can make time to wine and dine a new female colleague. As she's new to the country he could have invited her to join you both for dinner - another female may have made her feel more comfortable, but he didn't.

That's a good step.

At least you will be able to talk to him in person.

Get it straight in your head what you want to say, what upset you and why. Say it out loud to yourself a few times. Calm some of the emotions you are currently feeling, as these types of conversations go better if they are not emotion-fuelled.

I hope you sort it out 🙂

It's over. No man ( autistic or not) decides to see another woman when he could be seeing the woman he loves.She's found out about you and cancelled.

He's trying to keep you on side until he finds someone better. He's just not that into you. Look elsewhere. You're wasting your time with him.

Found out!

@Createausername1970 yes I am definitely still feeling emotional this morning.

I'm glad he came to his senses on his own and has apologised. But he still planned to do this and I still have feelings about that.

He now says he majorly fucked up and should have put me first. And that there is no excuse. I feel hurt because he is all I want and thought that same in reverse, but now there is a seed of doubt.

What is the long-term plan, btw? Were you intending to carry on being long distance once married or was one of you going to move? Who was doing the moving? Is he likely to ask you to move again, to be a trailing spouse. Is that what you want?

@senua we haven't talked about it in detail.

At the moment he has some flexibility and I recently started working at a new job where I can mostly work from anywhere with a caveat.

So the immediate plan was for me to be with him more at his and see how that goes. More than that yet to be discussed. So far we have equally visited each other.

Your feelings are totally valid, I would have been very hurt and upset too.

From the advantage of being a lot older, and having been round the block and back again a few times, I think that, possibly, because he does feel secure in the relationship with you that he thought this was OK.

I have done a few stupid things over the years, and assumed DH would be OK about it, and just not thought it through. Because I knew it was all good from my point of view, I just didn't think to run it past him. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

If everything else is good, then give him the benefit of doubt and talk it through. Listen to what he has to say and put your point of view rationally.

🙂

@Createausername1970 thanks. He does sound genuine and to have reflected, so I will have the conversation.

He's now making plans for us instead as it should have been.

I can only assume he decided throwing away a year long relationship for a 1-2 day dalliance (however supposedly platonic), wasn't worth it).