Huge fight with LDR partner. Is this relationship ending?

[CallyT]

My partner and I live three hours apart due to his job. We met in my city and then he moved. We've been together a year. For the record he is on the spectrum and doesn't make friends easily.

So we currently can't see each other until next month or so I thought (as he is going to a wedding abroad and I couldn't go).

He calls me tonight and casually mentions he will be in my city on Thursday and Friday to spend time with a new colleague. Digging further this is a woman he just met through work last week (she lives on another continent). He plans to show her round, have dinner and take her to a gallery. He then said he hoped to squeeze in seeing me!!

Well I lost it. Asked how he could be considering coming to my city and not see me and was he going on a date?

It took a really long time for him to say it was just friendly networking and that he told her he had a partner. I could not believe he was seriously considering wining and dining her and not seeing me.

So now he is going to see me but it has opened a conversation. He says he wants to be able to make new female friends and not be controlled. I said I won't be making new male friends

We have been very happy and I'm honestly stunned by this. Am I over reacting?

I am due to meet his parents soon. We had started talking about marriage and children. I have told all the major people in my life we are a serious item and he's met my parents.

I don't understand.

I said I won't be making new male friends

Ok, but what does that have to do with anything?

This is my take on it.

You said he casually mentioned it, so he wasn't trying to hide what he was doing, just didn't think it through.

A friend has a husband who has very recently, at the age of 55, been diagnosed with Autism and he could be massively selfish at times - not because he was just thinking of himself, but because he hadn't thought about it from her point of view.

Usually, once prompted, he could see where he had gone wrong. And most of the the time he was lovely and did/does mean well, just gets it a bit wrong sometimes.

She had the patience of a saint, plus he was under her nose. You have an LDR, which is hard at the best of times.

Really, how much do you like this person? Do you genuinely feel there was a sexual motive behind his actions, or just thoughtless? If you think on balance he was thoughtless, then have you got the capacity to deal with it on an ongoing basis, as it probably won't be the last incident to annoy you.

Yes to this.

He's not your mirror image.

@Createausername1970 I don't think he is or was intending to sleep with her. I trust him in that regard.

But I am upset by the fact he has felt such a pull to this person that he would go to this effort. So yes I do wonder if he has felt the spark and is now pursuing it.

Usually he is lovely and I have been happier with him than any previous partner now I'm early 30s.

But I cannot pretend to be ok with this sort of thing or bury my feelings when I'm really not.

Why oh why are you contemplating having DC with this man.

Because before today he never gave me a reason to doubt and had continually demonstrated intent on our relationship @Letsgocamping67

If he hadn't given you cause for concern previously, then don't do anything rash. Let him know you found this difficult and you need to talk it through.

You said he has difficulty making friends, and tends to have female rather than male friends. My ND son is 22 and that applies to him.

I obviously can't say for sure either way, but I would edge more to your boyfriend being ND thoughtless, rather than he has lost the spark.

As I said, he may be your soulmate and a lovely partner - but there will probably be a few incidents along the way that you will be very annoyed about, that he needs to have explained to him.

Yeah, this is red flags a go go. The fact that he felt able to so openly tell you about this is worrying. What kind of supportive, empathetic partner is he going to be going forward if he has so little regard for your feelings? What kind of father? Things to think about.

@SoYoung he did and didn't. Yes he told me and people with autism are usually very honest. This is in line with him being an honest guy in general.

However he did not tell me the sex of said person, it was a lot of 'they' until I asked for more info. From that pov trying to avoid saying it was a woman I think

Yes I specifically said I felt this shows a lack of empathy for me. I am thinking about all these things. Head is spinning.

I'd feel disappointed to learn he was seeing anyone, male or female, and didn't want to make plans to see me too. Squeezing me in doesn't count as making plans.

He's not prioritising you. He's not that fussed about seeing you. That hurts.

Yes on reflection that's exactly it @DeliciousApples

He travelled to see me two weeks ago from quite a distance and I don't think I've been blind in any way. He has been quite intentional before now with making me a priority and showing serious intent. The point is we agreed to see each other as much we could when h moved for this job.

It has left me very hurt and confused. Haven't even eaten dinner tonight Ive been so out of sorts.

I'm in a long distance relationship with a man in a city a few hours away, also, and, although I can understand why you're hurt, I can see this from a different angle.

When I read your post, I read it as DP had heard a colleague was coming to your city from a distant country, offered to meet up with her (the long journey being ok in this situation as she's come a much longer distance) thinking it would be nice to see you as well.

I think if my DP did this, I'd perhaps expect him to invite me to some of the day or evening (not all of it), or to ask if he could stay at my place.

I'd only be upset if he had told me he couldn't possibly see me for a month (rather than us agreeing on a month until we next met, due to both being busy). At the moment my DP and I are having a month apart as we're both tired from travelling to see each other, but if my DP suddenly had a friend he wouldn't ever see otherwise come to my city, I'd be ok with it.

It's quite normal to have friends of the opposite sex, by the way. Yesterday my DP spent hours with a female friend (talking through some of our relationship problems with her!) and I'm happy. I'm going to my ex's birthday tomorrow and he's happy with that.

I wouldn't assume your DP is cheating or going on a date. He's said he's told her about you; he's told you about her and he wants to see you. If everything else has been going well, I'd perhaps explain to him why you're hurt that he seemed not to have time to visit you, yet now has time after all, but I wouldn't expect him not to have female friends, especially as he finds friendships hard as it is.

I absolutely agree with this.

Yes I specifically said I felt this shows a lack of empathy for me.

I hope you don't mind my asking but have you got much background information about autism? Lack of empathy is an inherently autistic trait. I don't think you can judge a lack of empathy in an autistic person in the same way you can a neurotypical person. It's not about being inherently selfish, it's just a part of the autistic brain that often doesn't work in the same way. I'm not saying that you have to be ok with that - it might be that being in a relationship with someone with autism might not be for you. Or you may have to be more explicit than you think in explaining why some actions are not OK.

I don't have experience of a partner with autism but do have a sibling and a DC with autism and have found a few books which have helped me to understand some of the more challenging things they do. I'm sure there must be some available for partners/spouses.

@Fifferfefferfeff thanks for your perspective.

The facts so far are that he and this woman met professionally in his current city, he was with her again at another professional event last night and now he will be showing her round my city. I have no idea why she will be in my city or if he has essentially suggested a trip from where they both are.

We have been seeing each other frequently but now due to his wedding abroad this weekend and my time on a theatre tour it has to be a painful 5 weeks.

But lo and behold he actually can make the time to come to my city - just not to see me.

I'm afraid he didn't volunteer the information that the woman knows about me, I asked and I hope he has been honest with her.

Even if I can gain a deeper understanding of autism, it won't allow me to be ok with this sort of thing. If we somehow work this out obviously I will strive to but it's a worry.

I love him and I'm very upset. I want this to work out.

Also not to sound utterly crass but we've been apart 2.5 weeks and I'd be chomping at the bit to shag his brains out if I was in his city this week.

Our sex life is good so this lack of being keen as usual also seems odd.

Making a new friend would be something like having a coffee with them one lunchtime, not being so overfriendly you travel three hours to take them out and show them round a new city and go for dinner with them- at the very least this is unprofessional and doesn't set clear boundaries for the other person. I socialise a lot with work and this would not be something I would expect when I visited another country at all, a dinner, partners invited, yes, but not a weekend of trips out with this colleague at a long distance from the original place they had met, it's not even like he said I'll show you the sites in his original city!

I think your antenna are up for a reason, he's making a lot of excuses of why he can't visit and all of a sudden he can. He's hidden the sex of the person. He's left it weeks and weeks to see you.

I think he's being honest because you asked directly, he may not even know himself what he's up to, but it's not professional or sensible behaviour.

It must be very upsetting to hear all this when you have been talking about parents meeting and marriage but it's better to know he has very different views of acceptable friendships to you and that most likely is a deal-breaker.

Have you made arrangements so that you will be seeing him for longer? I wouldn't make any decisions until you've had a chance to talk to him in a calmer environment. Then you can explain how you feel and see how he responds.

The thing is though- the OP did say, that's not ok behaviour, and he said tough, I want to make new female friends and stay in cities with them and take them out, so that's the deal. If it was all to do with his lack of understanding of social norms, then surely he'd be worried he was doing the wrong thing, as it is he's asserted his right to continue, even when the OP has said she doesn't think this is normal behaviour. Going to professional events is normal, drinks with other colleagues, normal, going off the two of them on a weekend trip and hiding you are going with a woman, not normal.

@lavenderlou we have an arrangement for me to stay at his place for a week or longer late next month.

This whole plan is kind of insane because he is flying to another continent on Saturday for a wedding. And he's coming to my city Thursday/Friday now. So really we would have one night together to discuss this which isn't ideal.

@Alwaystimeforacupoftea well just before we hung up he suggested he is open to compromise but what does this mean? I think in the grand scheme a lunch or event here or there is ok. Travelling to your partner's city for plans with another woman is not.

Having friends of the opposite sex is fine. Prioritising time with them over you on the one weekend in a month when he’s going to be in the same city as you is not fine. It would also not be fine if it was a male friend, in fact, because he would be putting them before you. You are in a long distance relationship and he has all the bloody time in the world to socialise with friends in his own city when you’re not around; it’s really shitty for him to make a point of doing that on your bloody doorstep instead of spending some rare time with you.

I was in an LDR when I was much younger and my ex used to pull this sort of stunt all the time. It’s basically an unpleasant, humiliating power play designed to show you that he’s the one controlling the relationship.

@KreedKafer the odd thing is that he doesn't have form for behaving this way. So while it feels like a power play now, there is no pattern of him behaving in other power play-y ways. That's what makes it so odd. But I suppose a year isn't very long.

It just come as a complete curveball. He has been such a solid and realise guy since day one so I am struggling with this seemingly overnight change.

He's making an awful lot of effort for a woman he's just met

On the generous side of interpretation, could it be that he volunteered to take this person to your city, realised it wasn't quite the right thing to do, hid it a bit and now doesn't feel he can back down on this occasion as it's all arranged.

Just a thought.

I mean nothing about this seems terribly sensible or in line with what you think you know about him, and it's not the kind of thing you can discuss on the phone easily. I don't know, I'd be very very annoyed by this, and it wouldn't be ok for me for the future either. Perhaps he has just stuffed up and now is finding it difficult to back out.

It's good you are getting to know him better- even if it isn't what you want to hear or see. That's how you get to know whether it would work longterm or when kids arrive. It really is the test of how you get on over months, years and during problems that shows you who someone is.

It might yet turn out ok, I am usually very sceptical of such stories but I do wonder here if he's done something stupid (I mean the plan, nothing with this lady as yet) and is now rather stuck because you've called it out.