Why are people dropping me like a hot potato? Is there something inherently wrong with me :(

[Chickenfriedriceismybestfriend]

Have name changed for this but am a few years long user.
Just what the title says really 😢feels like no body bothers with me much any more. Friends, family etc. I feel there never any reciprocation, almost like if I didn't bother then I wouldn't see anyone iyswim. Dunno just making me feel a bit sad at the moment.

@stopthepigeonstopthepigeon I do agree, a lot of life is luck

*get one (or two)

Yes luck too. I met one through walking and kids same school year. We met today. Agree with op people dont commit now or say I can do x weeks. Disheartening at times

This has happened to me too. Several years ago but I still remember how rude the person was.

Friend and I were having this exact conversation today, we're 60s/70s. I don't think there is one specific reason but it does seem like a reflection of society? I find unless I suggest meeting, organise it and book something, then I never get invited out. So the choices are either I get upset about that, or I just carry on suggesting and booking for everyone. Most of the time, I do the latter. It does make you feel like you are on some sort of B list though.

I'm taking a similar approach. I've said this before but I don't want us to just be an insular family of four living in our own small world. It's hard though, my success rates are very low and I sometimes really struggle with the resentment.

I haven’t rtft but I think people having kids is a massive reason for this. I disagree with pp that it doesn’t make any difference to true friends.

Life is so much more complex and demanding now, especially for working mothers. Generally speaking, men are not picking up enough slack.

In the past, sending a child off to primary school involved putting their gym plimsolls and lunch box in a drawstring bag. Now parents are involved in reading, hwk, projects, extra curriculur activities, fund-raising, fancy dress, parents evenings, concerts, it’s exhausting. And children get ill. Working parents travel.

The intensity carries on throughout a child’s secondary and tertiary education.

Nearly every family commitment is more complicated too; look what a bun fest Christmas has turned in to!

I do loads more for my teen and adult dc than my parents ever did for me! And many of my friends are doing regular childcare for grandchildren. Life gets more and more demanding.

However op, I have found a surge in friendships now my friends are late fifties early sixties and women are reducing hours, retiring or their dc have flown the nest permanently after a couple of false starts.

Op my advice would be to rationalise your organising and pick an interest of yours. Set up a club around that interest. Make it weekly or fortnightly but keep it low cost and casual and make it clear no pressure If you can’t turn up one time; so you have built in “flake” weeks.

Then meet in a local pub or restaurant; premises will often let you use a place free of charge on a Mon or Tues night if it brings in drinks custom. And yes you will have to put work in with admin and buying materials or arranging walks or whatever but you will have everyone’s name, and email address and it’s a brilliant way to meet people, Keep it bright and breezy and let friendships develop naturally over time. Good luck.

I’d like to know why my reply has been blocked please MN HQ? It was meant to be helpful!

I was mid conversation with a friend who had text the day before moaning about her DP, I text to give her a couple ideas/thoughts I had, she thanked me and said would text me later and it's been 6 weeks! In that time I've supported DH through a major op and also had some health issues myself she was aware of both and not contacted me. Of course I could text her I know that but I'm waiting to see how long before I hear from her out of interest. I do feel used at times as friend doesn't drive and unless I drive there don't see her (it's also a horrible drive with heavy traffic) she never offers to even put a £1 towards parking let alone share the fuel costs if we go out somewhere, doesn't even offer to pay for a cup of tea! Friend has asked advise so many times, I've given the same advise every time which is ignored (re DP). There comes a point where it's all just draining and you just don't want the hassle anymore

I'm interested in this. I feel the same as the OP.
I think I am pretty dull more of a listener than a talker but obviously there must be more.
I know someone who's a life coach more to do with careers but I guess there's some overlap. I was telling her how I felt and if I didn't make the running no one would invite me anywhere and she was pretty brutal saying if they wanted your company they would invite you . Sounds obvious now but it came as a shock to me!
But still no big revelation as to why ?
Even if I found out I wonder if change is possible? I can't make myself into a chatty person no matter how I try !

Yes Tara gets very draining. I met a few over the summer but I had to plan it. One is great though know her from girls sports if she cant do this week she gives other dates wish more like her ha.

@noreasonbehindit and @Cookiecrumblepie - how can you pin down what might be "wrong" with you though? How would a therapist know?! And as you say @noreasonbehindit - even if you found out, could you change it? Should you? One thing I have found is that popular people talk about themselves a lot, saying "I've just done X Y Z and it was amazing/I am amazing for doing it". I'm often intrigued as to why this is popular? I definitely think there's something I don't "get".

Sorry, but I'm not buying this 'people are busy' nonsense.

You could be the busiest person in the world. If you want to make time for someone, you will. OP says these people are indeed busy... just not with her.

OP - You need to try and work out/find out why this is. Might require some difficult conversations but at least you'll know why you're being left out.

See I've found the opposite. People from mid 40s onwards seem to be out and about doing stuff after the women disappearing for a decade before that.

Between about 27 and 40 odd most of my mates I went out places with were make. Many of the women were all doing " mummy" stuff and daytime outings with others the same whereas I enjoyed an adult social life minus my kids when I had the chance and certainly didn't want to rabbit on about them in my free time

@GoingDownLikeBHS I can only speak from personal experience but from what I've seen, it has been (1) combative personality - constantly disagreeing with everything, being super competitive and oppositional so people find them wearing and drop them (2) being self obsessed (3) being stingy, inconsiderate, being a user (4) being too domineering (5) being extremely needy and overly nice to the point of being sickening. Almost taking over other people and living through them (6) having really low self esteem and always having a low day

Sorry posted before I finished typing, but it's stuff like that, just really difficult personalities but they just don't see it. I've met people that think the world is against them and they blame everyone for being cliquey but in reality, they are just intolerable people.

Or also - wanting friends for a very specific purpose, social climbers. A lot of people see through this. Also people becoming very jealous of their friends, inability to just be normal!

@GoingDownLikeBHS I did point out to a friend that everyone calls her and tells her about their day etc, but no-one asks her about herself. I then mentioned that in front of family and friends and it has actually helped. People have become more aware and she now drops hints to ensure people ask her about her life. And she's also broadened her friendship circle and avoided the big self absorbed personalities that she usually attracts. There are subtle things you can do sometimes to help.