Please don’t take this the wrong way OP.
Firstly it’s most likely that people are just busy and thoughtless, not that it’s an excuse and it isn’t hurtful.
But…if it’s happening on multiple levels maybe it’s something to do with your communication style that you’ve been unaware of?
One of my closest friends has recently ended up being cut off by quite a few people, even family members and she has no idea why. She’s really upset and was saying, “I can’t understand why this keeps happening and what I’ve done.”
And I’m sat there nodding and sympathising and making all the right noises and thinking I know exactly what it is and I’ve come really close to doing the same but won’t because I deeply care for you!
She’s completely unaware but since having kids and becoming a “crunchy mum”, she’s lost the ability to talk about anything that isn’t her or her kids. She never asks reciprocal questions. Quite serious things are happening in her friends’ and family’s worlds and she’ll say “how are you?” but doesn’t want the real response and will avoid talking about what’s going on in her friends’ lives.
I’ve been in a room with her where friend 1 was talking about their toddler needing a new bed but them not being able to afford one and friend 2 had just been made redundant but wasn’t eligible for redundancy pay so was worried sick about money (single mum with a mortgage) and within seconds, close friend said, “Well, I’ve been offered a huge promotion (at the same workplace where the redundancy happened ) and I’m going to treat myself to a Chanel bag with my first new wage. I deserve it!” I was sitting there thinking, “FFS read the room!” Unsurprisingly, those friends have been meeting up without her since and she can’t make the connection.
She’s completely unaware of how she comes across. It’s not done deliberately. She thinks by talking about herself and the kids all the time, she’s bonding with us but she’s actually alienating us because we’ll meet up, either one on one or in a group and she’ll dominate the conversation.
And completely forget the details of what’s going on in anyone’s life. “Oh yeah, your sister died, sorry baby brain I forgot! When’s the funeral? Oh it was last week…oh I’d have come if I’d have known as we got on so well…oh yes you’re right, you did text me and let me know…I’m just so busy these days with the kids I forget to reply…sorry. Did I tell you that Ginny won Star of the Week at Forest School? Yes, I have had to explain though to Gigi that we shine in different ways as it can be hard to see a sibling recognised and you can end up feeling overlooked so I made her a special Star of the Week for potty training at home to keep her emotionally regulated…”
She used to be really lovely and has no idea that everyone is just gradually getting more and more done with her. And it’s hard to say, “friend, we don’t enjoy socialising with you anymore. You’re acting in quite self absorbed ways and it’s hard to have a two way conversation. Please change your personality back to how you used to be.” It’s a bit like being friends with a YouTube Video that some vlogger has made…or a podcast. We’re just expected to sit and watch or listen. Then she’ll say, “I always ask how they are but they never really tell me much anymore”. Well yes…because when they do, she immediately changes the subject back to herself or she just doesn’t leave space for them to elaborate and share their real feelings.
She’s been blissfully unaware for about a year. It’s only now that multiple friends and family are distancing themselves that she’s starting to get upset and confused. But still totally unaware.
Again, not saying this is what may be going on for you…but do you think communication is going well generally when you do see them? Have you sensed any changes of atmosphere?
Or could it be something like lifestyle change? Kids at a different age? Income/lifestyle differences that are creating a wedge? Being bonded through a previous job or hobby and now not having as much in common? Them struggling with mental or physical health or money or a relationship?