Why are people dropping me like a hot potato? Is there something inherently wrong with me :(

[Chickenfriedriceismybestfriend]

Have name changed for this but am a few years long user.
Just what the title says really 😢feels like no body bothers with me much any more. Friends, family etc. I feel there never any reciprocation, almost like if I didn't bother then I wouldn't see anyone iyswim. Dunno just making me feel a bit sad at the moment.

I think it's always a good idea to have a bit of reflection on your own friendship style, just to make sure you're not the one who always talks about herself/her kids/ is negative etc etc. It's also good to be generous and think that other people are busy and a bit thoughtless.

But there's no doubt that there is a significant proportion of people who are just plain selfish. You see it on MN frequently- people who have accepted an invitation to do something, then something more appealing pops up, and they want to cancel the first invitation. The marginally less selfish of that group will tie themselves in knots trying to justify why they 'should' go to the more appealing event.

Or, the number of people who are just 'too busy' to send a 30 second text to accept an invitation to a child's birthday party.

And so on.

"Why should I?" seems to be an increasingly popular way of thinking, in my opinion, and it doesn't do society any good at all.

OP there's an app called Meet Up (I think) that gives details of various group events (hobbies, walks and so on)- it might be worth having a look on there to see if anything takes your fancy. You could find new friends who are more on your wavelength.

It’s impossible for anyone on here to answer this properly because we don’t know you or your personality or your friends. A couple of things jump to mind:

a) By far the most likely explanation is just that people of our age and stage are busy and tired. Parents of young children often don’t have time or bandwidth to do anything more than just keep their lives ticking over. It gets exponentially harder when people have families. You have to lower your expectations a bit at this stage of life.
b) I do detect in your posts a degree of (possibly justified) self pity. I don’t know if you are expressing this when you are in social situations but I would focus on keeping a lid on this. No one likes spending time with someone who feels sorry for themselves or is paranoid or needy about friendships. Maybe you are showing this with friends, maybe you are not but keep an eye on it. It is brutal and unfair but it will scare people off if you appear to be too needy with people.
c) It might be worth doing a bit of an “audit” of your communication style and ask yourself if you are always doing what you can to be an effective and attractive friend.

People drop out of stuff far more than they ever did, and sometimes it is very last minute, so factor this into your plans and expect to have a big drop out rate for anything that is organised. This happens to everyone, it is not personal.

Secondly, make your life brighter by organising events and fun meet ups, remember you are not doing it for them, you are doing it for you.

If you would like them to invite you back, why not say how much it means to you when you are invited and also appreciate it when someone else organises something. Some people are struggling so you have to factor in the peaks and troughs of life.

If you feel you are giving too much, then do things that are low key and cost very little, and then you won't have that sense of giving too much of yourself.

Join new hobbies, womens groups and other social activities.

To be fair a LOT of people who have small children talk about nothing else. I suppose there’s not much else they’re doing when the kids are very young and it’s stressful as well. So no-one is at their most entertaining at that point in life lol.

I'm also the organiser in my group, and one of my friends confessed recently that she wanted to arrange and invite people to things but she was far too anxious and it wound her up thinking about it because she really hates being rejected. I didn't really think of it like that before, but I guess for some people it's a really big factor. And then if you're seeing those people out and about it's because they've been invited by someone else.

I also have some friends where they just aren't bothered. They would come out and do something if I asked, but equally they'd be happy at home doing their own thing and be just as happy. So I know I have to make the effort there.

The people I find make the most effort are the ones who live alone. After that, couples. And there's no point trying to stay friends with people who have kids if you don't have them, it's impossible.

So definitely try to make friends with people who are easier to be friends with! Meetup is a good shout.

Yes, but we're all at that stage right now and the vast majority of us still manage to listen from time to time and not dominate every conversation.

Having small children is not an excuse for completely ignoring/glossing over things like a friend's cancer battle, an in law's life threatening surgery, hearing a friend say they are worrying they might lose their home, struggling to buy food and chipping in with, "Ohmygosh, I'm so sorry but I'm SURE another job will come up soon. By the way did I show you this pair of shoes I've ordered from Christian Louboutin? I had a ten percent discount code so they were only £635 instead of £695!" The last one is a genuine example that really happened.

It's ok that some of us can only talk about chicken pox and teething that week but it doesn't mean we can't listen, and reciprocate questions. And to be honest I know my friends don't want to listen to me drone on for 25mins about scab crust formation and the exact temperature readings of my two kids over a 72 hour period...so I don't do it. I try and make a point of having something else to talk about...even if it's shared experiences from the past, a goal for the future, a new recipe I've tried that they might like or anything that isn't toddler related. And more importantly...once I've contributed to the conversation, I listen to what other people are saying.

I honestly think "well I have young kids, what else can I talk about?" is a bit of a cop out. Bearing in mind we're all at least 5 years in with our eldests. It takes a bit of effort but there is other stuff to discuss if we try.

I find your last two points may be a result of how the op has started to feel , rather than the initial cause.

One may come across as needy and talking about themselves if they feel like they aren't often included in social situations.

@Mairzydotes

I agree and it probably is not be the OP’s fault. But unfortunately the nature of the beast is that people are not drawn to people who give the impression of feeling sorry for themselves. You have to give yourself the best chance you can.

You don't have a new partner do you...
This happened to an acquaintance of mine, she complained to me about it happening and I was equally baffled as she seemed really nice!
Then I met her new boyfriend and he made a racist joke and then a really horrible sexist remark about a woman we both knew within an hour of us meeting... obviously as she was an acquaintance i could just avoid her, but it did make me have a conversation with another friend who was present on how I'd find it very difficult to be friends with someone who would choose to date someone like that? Nobody is perfect, and people have different opinions and quirks but I would think very differently about a friend who was happy to date a racist and would probably back away...

He's not called Jeffrey is he? Lol!

Had a similar experience with a good friend. Had to back away in the end as I couldn't understand how she could love such a brazen racist/xenophobe/incelly weirdo. I'm not white! Anyway, years on they're both happily living in their xenophobic, extreme right wing, conspiracy theorist bubble so as sad as it was it was the right thing to do.

I think it's also useful to remember that thing about 'friends for a reason, friends for a season' or whatever the phrase is. I have friends from my NCT group where the majority of chit chat is around our 2 year olds - biting, potty training, boundaries, tantrums, night routine etc. I could talk about it for dayssss with them. I don't bring that stuff up to my uni gang, as I'm one of the only ones with kids, and that's boring and unrelatable for them.

It could be that you've just drifted from people who were friends for a reason, and now that reason has gone, the friendship isn't really there anymore?

Agree with some other posters that there may be something you’re doing. I’ve got three friends who have partner problems - I can’t stand one partner; another can’t stand me (I presume - he’s very rude!); the third insists on coming with her wherever she goes and we don’t want him there all the time. We still manage some meets though, but it’s when the friend seems oblivious that there’s an issue - do they offer to meet at theirs/at a restaurant when you ask them round?
Other friends are deep in the kids phase and will only do things with kids, and only talk about how exhausted they now are, which is boring though we do still see them.
Others are impossible to pin down due to crazy diaries. I presume for the diaries ones I’m not their top priority, but I’d be surprised if my closest friends all started acting off with me. Are you sure you haven’t offended anyone? I have one friend whose house is so dirty nobody wants to go over there, and she seems to have no idea even after people have on occasion been open about it.

Ageee with above, this is what I mean, sometimes it is helpful to reflect and get some professional advice. There are lots of people who keep friends throughout their life regardless of kids etc. So there is something different about you that makes people deprioritise you. You need to find out what that is.

Sorry can't quote everyone but thanks for all the kind replies, they've been really helpful! Am going to self reflect a bit as that can never hurt, can it? And God no I haven't got a racist/sexist partner thank God 🙏 🤣but again, thanks everyone for your suggestions and advice! Will do the old mumsnet head wobble and have a think about my friendship/communication styles, will also check I don't smell of cat wee 🤣but honestly thanks everyone, even you @Cookiecrumblepie although I am currently already in therapy 😉🤣

So there is something different about you that makes people de-prioritise you .
I dislike some of the phrases you are using to respond to the OP. You don’t even know them. None of us do. It could just be a phase they are going through.

not read full thread but could it be an age thing? I have found the further I get into my 40s the less available people are in general. Family commitments and so on. Long term friendships drop off the cliff! Sad but think it's to do with life stage and age.

Thank you 😊 I don't think she's meaning to sound harsh, she sounds just like a family member of mine actually 🤣

Quite possibly, but we do all range in ages! But this thread has given me some good points to think about, eg people are knackered, busy etc! Thanks for your reply

In answer to your thread title, it’s impossible to say without knowing you.

Maybe people like you but are just busy doing others things.
Or maybe people find you a bit of a pain / boring or whatever.

Only you can find out I guess.

@Chickenfriedriceismybestfriend OP I think you understand me! I am not at all trying to attack you of say everything is your fault. I just think in these situations, often people just give generic placatory response like "it's not you hun" or "they're all busy" which is fine, but it doesn't really move you forward or help resolve your issue.

It may well be the case that you are completely lovely and there is nothing wrong but it's worth exploring every avenue if you are serious about broadening your social circle. Looking externally is one avenue, but looking internally is also really beneficial. Often we just don't see things about ourselves that others see and therefore it helps to speak to someone impartial. I think professional help is better than just chatting to random friends because it's confidential and involves more expertise and impartiality.

It might well be context, you just need to mix in different circles. But I do know people who are exhausted going from group to group and constantly hitting a dead end, and I think sometimes their own personality is also a factor in their lack of success in the friendship department.

There is nothing wrong with working on yourself. Everyone can get better and pick up tips. And if you get nothing from it, so be it. You can make friends at every stage of life, don't lose hope. But my strategy would be to tackle it in a proactive, more scientific and methodical way, rather than just surmising about people's business and saying "well, they've got kids". Real friends are friends, regardless of whether they have kids, have jobs, are busy etc. You just need to get through to becoming real friends with someone. You will get there.

Maybe she just needs to get different friends. If people are not interested in you it may be that you no longer have much in common rather than anything you are doing wrong.

The problem imo is trying to cling onto relationships that have run their course. Obviously finding friends is easier said than done once you reach a certain age but it’s useful to let go of the idea you need “fixing” just because certain people don’t have as much time for you. Friends for a season as a pp said.

People are soo flaky now. One friend in a group they sometimes do mid week cinema says she doesnt always reply. I said would you not let them know yes or no. I know what you mean op. We doing coffee this week. 2 are yes one away and 1 no reply.

@stopthepigeonstopthepigeon true, but I think if you continually lose friends over your lifetime then that is something unusual. You can't just constantly cycle through friend after friend. At some point someone has to stick for the long haul don't they?

There’s no way to make everyone like you, you know. No matter what you do some people just won’t like you. And sometimes people drift apart.
I suppose it depends what you want though. Some people want to be popular and sharp social skills will help with that I guess (but social skill are not a part of your personality).

Those sorts of friends (close friends) are quite rare actually. Not everyone is lucky enough to get on (or two). But if no-one considers you a close friend (and a therefore a priority) I don’t think that’s necessarily down to you. It’s the same as romantic relationships if you ask me, it’s often just luck.